Daily Archives: April 22, 2009

i hate you because you’re beautiful

Posted in everyday kimli by

There are few things more damaging to my self-esteem than walking into an elevator already occupied by a fucking supermodel. Dear girl who was on my elevator: I hate you. You are impossibly tall and blonde and skinny and you seriously looked as though you were heading to Milan to do a little turn on the catwalk (on the catwalk yeah). I already know that I’m funny looking, but until I had to get on the elevator with you, I was perfectly fine with my plaid sneakers, denim skirt, black leggings, blue shirt with sparkly thread done up in the back with a bright green organza ribbon, huge sunglasses and green headphones. Compared to you, though, I look like a clown. You made me feel as ridiculous as I look, which is saying a lot because I always look ridiculous but I rarely feel my conventional shortcomings (much to the chagrin of the people who have to be seen with me).

I’m going to go home and crawl under the bed now.

Stupid supermodels, making the rest of us feel bad.

i’m a respectable woman

Posted in relationship drama by

I found my wedding ring.

It was under my laptop the whole time.

I have no idea how or why – I’ve looked there. It was the first place I looked, and the place I kept going back to check. When I take my bling off at the end of a long day of pimping, I put everything in a tray on my laptop. I swear I checked my desk a dozen times, moving my laptop and monitor and cables and the thousand other things that clutter my life. The ring wasn’t there. I moved all the furniture around my desk, spent hours on my hands and knees (shut up), used a Swiffer duster thing to poke into impossible spaces – no ring. This morning, I wasn’t even looking for it. After all, I thought it was gone forever and was planning to replace it. I was actually looking for a necklace that I wanted to wear today, and it wasn’t in the usual location by my typewriter. I wasn’t looking TOO hard; I didn’t even move the laptop – I just tilted my head and peered beneath it for a quick look (my laptop is propped up by four overturned tea lights because I am too lazy to buy a proper dock). I didn’t find the necklace – it was actually on the living room table – but I DID find my missing daisy hair clip, and .. wait, what’s that?

I didn’t have to pick it up before I knew what it was – the grooves on the bottom of the ring were unmistakable. It was my wedding band; the very one that has been missing for 3 months and that I had given up all hope of ever finding again.

What the hell.

Gremlins have been in my apartment. It’s the only explanation. I might have known – last night I found the cap to my water bottle that I’ve been missing for several months; it was under the bed. Something is playing tricks on me. I may have to zip tie all my belongings down so they stop walking away.

I’m completely stoked to have my ring back, and I may never take it off again. Once again, I am a highly respectable sophisticated married lady. I was really worried for those three months that someone might take me for a harlot, but everything is good again – I no longer fear illegitimacy! I am not a wanton slut!

*cough*

Hooray for ring finding! This has been the best Earth Day EVER!