You need to have your vagina inspected.

All sexually active women should have a pap test done once a year. It’s a pain in the ass uterus, but it can save your life: having regular pap tests can prevent cervical cancer. The test looks for abnormalities in your cervix that could become cancerous down the road, so regular testing can detect these things years before it turns into a Lifetime Movie of the Week.

Do it. Do it now. Canadian ladies, call up your doctor and make an appointment. If you’re like me and don’t HAVE a doctor because you aren’t spewing out babies, there are clinics that specialize in sexual health and can do a pap test for you: go here if you’re in BC, or here if you’re in the rest of Canada.

If you’re in the US, congratulations on the changes to your health care system. Don’t wait to get your pap tests done, though – you should be able to get a free or low cost pap smear done via your National Breast and Cervical Cancer Early Detection Program. Call your doctor and/or the number for your state today, and give your lady bits a workout.

Cervical cancer is a bitch. Just look at this list of symptoms of intermediate and advanced stages of the disease:

• Intermediate Stages
  • Foul smelling vaginal discharge
  • Bleeding or spotting between periods
  • Painful intercourse
  • Bleeding after intercourse
• Advanced Stages
  • Pelvic or back pain
  • Urine leakage
  • Weight loss
  • Anorexia (appetite loss)
  • Fecal matter coming from vagina
  • Kidney failure due to obstruction of ureters

That’s gross, dude. None of those things sound like fun. Urine leakage? I already have a bladder the size of a walnut and have been known to literally wet myself – only by a drop or two, but still – when I can’t get to a toilet in time; why on earth would I want to sign myself up for pee leaking if I can prevent it? And look – “fecal matter coming from vagina”. That’s horrible. Pooping is disgusting enough; pooping out your girl junk? That’s just plain nightmare-inducing. All of these horrible, horrible things can be easily prevented: get a pap test. 30 minutes out of one day once a year is not at all too much to donate to the long, healthy, happy life of your vagina.

I must confess that I, too, I am guilty of neglecting my lady garage. My last exam was several years ago, when I was trying to have my tubes tied to avoid accidental child-bearing. This is stupid of me, because I have a history of abnormal pap smears and should be getting tested every damn year like clockwork. So, I’ll make you a deal – I will have my pap test done before the end of April. If, by May 1st, I have not written a lengthy update about the state of my vaginal affairs, I will donate $100 to PETA (I was going to say I would donate to something Glenn Beck supports, but I just can’t do it what with all the vomit suddenly in my mouth. I don’t agree with PETA’s methods and would not voluntarily give them money, so this is a viable alternative).

What are you waiting for? GO SCHEDULE YOURSELF A PAP TEST! If you want more information, check out the LACE Campaign or the BC Cancer Agency. It’s good stuff. I love your vagina almost as much as I love my own, so make sure it’s healthy.

Err, and something for the men:

not shown: boobs; beer

Also, men should go have a prostate exam.

Just sayin’.