I’m trying very hard to make good on my promise and get my pap test done, but it is not going as smoothly as I had hoped. For starters, I tried to contact the office that inserted my Weapon of Sperm Destruction back in ’08 but they won’t see me because my referral expired. I have to make an appointment with my family doctor (which is the problem, because I don’t HAVE one) or go to a walk-in clinic and ask them to get me an appointment with the vagina doctors. This is incredibly annoying, and I can feel untold amounts of rage building up in my spleen as we speak.

I made the stupid appointment for an appointment, and we’ll see what happens. It’s not until May, because that’s the earliest I could get – even for a referral. I suppose I could ask the clinic doctor to take a peak at my uterus for me, but that’s only half my issue – I want a family doctor I can build a relationship with; one that I can go to for regular checkups and prescription refills instead of blindly casting about for the first person in a white coat willing to prop me up and dive in. I don’t WANT to open a new file every time something is wrong or I need more pills to keep me sane. How am I supposed to take charge of my health when I can’t find anyone willing to see me more than once?

I’m beyond pissed off that I can’t find a doctor because I’m not shitting babies with every step I take. I even used the BC Physician Directory to once again see if I could find someone willing to take me, but after eight phone calls and no luck I gave up. The list spat out 18 female doctors* accepting new patients, but none of them would take me. I foamed with rage over this years ago, and I’m still just as upset – it is fucking insanity that I cannot get a doctor to see me regularly because I choose to remain childless.

*: I could and will try for a male doctor next; I just feel more comfortable getting my cervix scraped by a woman. I don’t know why this is, especially considering the last few women who were in there for business not pleasure attempted to feed me the tired “oh you’ll change your mind!” bullshit when I explained that I am the President of Team No Babies. Truth be told, I think male doctors are afraid of my almighty vagina. When I’ve asked to be papped, they suggest I find myself a nice woman doctor, or refer me to someone else. Yeah, that’ll make me feel good about myself – no one wants my vagina on a personal OR professional level.

And people wonder why I’m so scornful towards breeders. It’s their fault I could very well have cancerous cells tap dancing on my fallopian tubes and can’t get them detected before terrible things happen! Stop the insanity! Equal health care for everyone, you elitist assholes!

So much angry. This can’t be good for my empty womb.

After I watched (most of) last night’s episode of Glee – screw you Global TV; I was watching the US feed for a REASON – I asked Ed if his first time was awkward and/or accompanied by a snappy song and dance number. He said he was nervous, but it was a fairly routine deflowering – no wacky sitcom-style situations or baffling plot twists. Mine was similar – nervousness, excitement, impatience, confusion (“so, when does the other person get here?”) – but nothing exciting enough to build an hour of entertaining television around.

I did realize something, though: this year marks the 20th anniversary of my first time.

This calls for a celebration! Or, perhaps .. a re-release!

the easter eggs are particularly terrifying

Kimli’s Virginity, the colorful, wildly imaginative family adventure starring Kimli and her first real boyfriend, returns from the afterlife in a digitally remastered 20th Anniversary Deluxe Edition. This special edition is complete with animated shorts, behind-the-scenes featurettes, and recently uncovered, never-before-seen footage. An all-new director’s commentary is accompanied by the original trailers, premium features, and an in-depth interview with the cast. Relive Kimli’s First Time all over again, in high definition and stereo surround sound!

Yeah, that would be awesome.

And very, very disturbing.

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