This morning at the breakfast buffet next door, the bacon was so crispy it broke when I tried to pick it up with the tongs.
I’ve never been more aroused.
Or have I? I’m dealing some kind of crazy hormone imbalance or something – I’ve got an itch that I can’t quite scratch, and nothing I do has gotten me any closer to a happy ending that lasts longer than an hour or two. As amusing as this is for some people, it’s incredibly frustrating and annoying – especially when you start daydreaming more and more fantastic and complicated ways in which to trick people into having sex with you. The last plan involved a calculator, an elastic band, and three tablespoons of instant coffee. I’m like MacGyver, but I still can’t get laid. Is it my lack of mullet? Because I can fix that.
Even though Ed is out of town, I’ve been trying most of my tricks on him. I remembered I was married, for all the good it’s done me – it seems that Ed isn’t exactly receptive to my long distance attempts at seduction. I’ve tried every trick in the book, but because that book is Cosmo, things are going about as well as you’d expect if you were taking advice from a magazine that suggests aggressive testicle manipulation as a surefire way to surprise and delight your man.
For fun, I looked up a list of Cosmo-approved ways to spice up a relationship and tried them all (at once, which might be the problem). Things didn’t exactly go as the magazine assured me they would – I wasn’t swept off my feet in a fit of lustful passion so much as drawn into an argument about how poking me in the shoulder is a really fucking lousy way to let me know you want to fool around unless you’re an 8 year old – but it was an interesting experiment nonetheless.
What titillating things did Cosmo want me to try outside of surprising him with an unexpected prostate massage?
SHARE A SECRET
Tell your partner something about yourself that you’ve never revealed before. It doesn’t have to be a dark confession — it could simply be a big dream you have. Knowing that there are layers to your personality that haven’t yet been peeled away will pique his interest… and his attraction to you.
I don’t have many secrets left, so I had to think really hard about this. Finally, I sent Ed a text message with a secret to see if it piqued his interest…and his attraction to me: when I was 7 I got caught shoplifting bulk candy by a nosy old woman.
Hot, right? Can you not just picture the raging boner this scintillating, interest-piquing secret caused? If you can, you’re likely alone – it took forever for Ed to respond, and when he did, it was only to express mild surprise that he married a criminal and to ask if my text was a misfire, meant to go to someone else. That didn’t go remotely as I had hoped, so I tried to next one:
CREATE EROTIC ANTICIPATION
The days of not knowing when — or if — you’ll sleep together are long gone…and so is that libido-lifting sense of wonder. Well, you can’t go back in time, but you can reignite that excitement. Plan a really hot evening for both of you, but don’t let him in on the details. Just tell him that you’re cooking up a really sexy surprise for him. Build the anticipation by teasing him with hints of what’s to come. Let his imagination work overtime.
I was bored and horny last night, so I decided to try this “Sexting” thing that we’re all apparently doing all the time. I won’t give you the sloppy details .. mostly because there aren’t any. I said some naughty things and received some lukewarm replies about being stuck at a trade show. I hoped some saucy text messages would help, or at least make the day a little more interesting, but apparently at insurance trade shows people stare at each other’s crotches a lot and I was scolded for trying to give him an erection while he was working. Well then. Strike two, Cosmo.
WHEN YOU’RE COUPLED UP — BUT NOT HOOKING UP ENOUGH
Our motto is, “If you want an interesting sex life, start with the life part.” Re-enact the way you behaved when you first started dating. Little things like getting glammed up when you go out for dinner and acting like you would on a date keeps the relationship fun. And don’t forget to flirt. By sending a sexy text, playing footsie or whispering something suggestive in his ear, you’ll keep your chemistry up which will make sex extra hot. It’s also a good idea to plan some active dates like going on a long run or playing tennis against another couple. Working up a sweat might not seem that romantic, but it’ll keep your blood pumping and will make you feel more connected to your body — which will pay off once you’re naked.
I tried to get Ed to log into ICQ so I could ask him if he would ever have sex with five guys at once – all in capital letters – so we could act the way we had at the beginning of our relationship, but I was quickly shot down. He doesn’t like to be reminded of his first embarrassing steps on the internet, and the fact that I kept logs (and constantly refer to them because they’re so fucking funny) doesn’t really help matters. Then I tried to send a sexy text, which we all know ended badly. I don’t run – you try it when you’re sporting DDs; there’s no athlete bra strong enough to contain the awesome power – and I am far too hip to know any couples who play tennis because I don’t live in a fucking country club. Strike three!
WHEN YOU’RE TOTALLY COMMITTED… AND BORED
After a few years together, even the best relationships start to cool off a bit. The easiest way to keep things hot is to make over one half of your couple (that would be you). Take a foreign language class or start a craft biz on Etsy.com. It’s simple really: If you do interesting stuff, it’ll keep him interested too.
.. yeah, this hasn’t worked either. I do nothing BUT interesting stuff – crafting, going to conferences, giving presentations, doing interviews, attending the opera and being on TV and blogging the hell out of my life. I’m a smut-peddling, Fluevog-wearing, scooter-riding, sexually aggressive loud mouth suffering from both social anxiety and exhibitionism. I honestly don’t know how my life could get more interesting outside of having a third arm grafted on to my torso. I’m so fucking interesting it hurts – so where’s the interest? Isn’t Ed supposed to be salivating over me? What the fuck, Cosmo. You are a giant fucking fail.
Short of declaring an open season on the relationship and my pants (which I’ve actually done, but that’s a story for another time), I’m out of things to try and getting more frustrated by the second. Nothing I do arouses anything more than mild curiosity and irritation, so clearly the problem must be me. This is more than a little damaging to my self-esteem – nothing makes a girl feel more sexy and desirable than non-stop rejection – but here I am, still pathetically trying to keep things interesting and failing miserably.
Seriously, I had JUST gotten over being told that I was too fat to fuck – it happened 13 years ago – and now this.
Has anyone written The Dumpy Girl’s Guide to Sex: How to Trick People into Fucking You When You’re as Desirable as a Turnip? I could use it.