I know I just used some common sense yesterday, but I need to call upon my ebola-riddled powers once again: I DO NOT. NEED. AN IPAD!

I am a 9th level gadget whore, and it slays me there’s a cool new toy out there that I don’t need. Not needing something has never stopped me before – let’s stack all my portable internet devices on top of one another and see how deep the rabbit hole goes – but I know with each throbbing cognitive bone in my body that buying an iPad would be a stupid move the likes of which I haven’t done since that time I convinced myself I truly did have a need for two laptops, a netbook, and an XO (turns out I didn’t – who knew?).

Still, the lure of shiny and new is hard to resist. I MUST resist, though. To strengthen my resolve, here are some excellent reasons why I don’t need a goddamn iPad:

• I just – like, 7 days ago – bought an iMac and it is gorgeous if not portable
• I love my iPhone and it would be very very sad if I suddenly started cheating on it
• I’m enticed by the $499 price point – that’s only an hour or two of whoring, tops – but to get the balls-out device I want (go big or go home) and all the accessories, I’m looking at a bill of $1128.60 (more, if there’s an environmental levy)
• iPhone apps are one or two dollars; iPad apps start at $5
• Ed would probably want a divorce and take up with a boring version of me
• I’m going on vacation in a week and need money for fun vacation times
• No camera
• Cannot be comfortably stored in my bra for safe keeping
• Will not make me any sexier
• I’ve already HAD a tablet PC and it didn’t do much for me
• Things I currently own that can do what the iPad does, but better: Macbook, iPhone, iPod Touch, 17” HP laptop, iMac, Dell laptop, PSP, Nintendo DSi, EEE PC plus my work laptop

NO IPAD. BAD KIMLI.