A Petition to Nintendo:

The Animal Crossing franchise and series, created and produced by Nintendo Entertainment (hereafter referred to as Nintendo), is marketed as family-friendly and child-safe. We believe that the new installment of this series for the new Nintendo 3DS handheld console, hereafter referred to as “Animal Crossing 3DS”, should maintain this tradition.

In particular, we believe that romance and dating have no place in this game. The purpose of this petition is to voice our concerns as loyal customers, good parents, and/or concerned consumers that Animal Crossing 3DS should stick to its family-friendly roots. We implore Nintendo to remove the ability for the player’s in-game character to date and romance fellow villagers, who take the form of walking, talking animals. This can be construed as a sign of support for bestiality, and while we are not making the claim that this is Nintendo’s purpose, we certainly do not wish to see anything even remotely related to this sentiment present in the final product.

In one conference demonstration, the player was shown kissing a porcupine. This is not only completely unacceptable for its context, it also could have more immediate health concerns should any young and impressionable players attempt to emulate what they see.

In short, this is a game marketed toward family audiences and young children, and we find the introduction of romance, dating, and anything of its kind to be wholly inappropriate content given this consideration. Doubly so, because of the animal-like nature of the possible targets of that romance. We ask that Nintendo remove this content for the North American release of Animal Crossing 3DS.

Sincerely,

The Undersigned

Oh. My. God.

I .. I don’t have any other words.

So I’m going to go make out with a porcupine.

I spent a very long time answering repetitive Nintendo game surveys last month, all to bring my Club Nintendo status up to “Elite”. This is the second year Club Nintendo has been around in North America, and as I qualified for Elite Status last year, I knew it’d be worth my time. Thing is, I didn’t even have to think about my points last year – I had purchased SO MANY DS games in 2008 that when it came time for the points to count (it’s not how many points you have but how many you rack up during a year – important, because I redeem my points for free shit all the time) I was so far past the required amount for Elite Status I was given a princess to stuff into any castle I pleased.

This year, it was much more difficult – Nintendo’s banner year wasa 2008, and my game buying has dropped off to a sad, almost non-existent level. The announcement came out in late May saying we had until June 30th to get enough points to qualify for Elite. I had SOME points, but I was still a long way off; over 500 short if I remember correctly. I wasn’t about to go out and buy games I had no interest in just to collect the Club Nintendo points, but I had to find a way – last year’s Platinum Elite reward was a goddamn Mario Hat which was the basis of my entire October. I knew the reward would be something good, so I had a lot of work to do.

I did over 50 post-game surveys at 10 points each to bring my total up. With aching fingers, I slogged my way to Platinum Elite status – Gold Elite is for the weak – and waited for Nintendo to tell me what would be coming my way. The email arrived this morning:

Gold Elite Status Reward: a 2011 calendar featuring your favourite Nintendo characters!

well that is pretty neat!

Platinum Elite Status Reward: A motherfucking NINTENDO STATUE:

holy crap awesome awesome awesome

Sweet jebus, now I have something worthy of being an HEIRLOOM to pass down to my grandkids! I knew the reward would likely be cool and appeal to the Rare Game Swag Whore in me, but this is kind of INCREDIBLY AWESOME. YAY! CLUB NINTENDO IS THE BEST!

This will be especially sweet; knowing that I didn’t go completely broke buying a thousand games to get the points necessary – I EARNED it. For reals! My mom would be so proud.