I may never shop at a women’s sex store again.

Um, this update is going to be both TMI and PG-45: reader discretion is advised.

Anyway, ‘nee and I went to a Yelp Elite event at Mis Trucos on Davie Street. It was fun meeting new people and enjoying some fancy times dressed all in white, but it was extremely crowded and warm in there so after an hour we bailed to make room for others – the lure of Davie Street was impossible to resist, even in the rain.

Our first stop was at Priape. I’ve known of Priape for years – as if someone like me wouldn’t know the best place to find an 18″, 20 pound fist-shaped sex toy called a Thunder Stick – but I’d never been inside. Today that changed – and it changed my world.

Sex toys made for gay men are AWESOME! They come in such an interesting array of shapes and colours, NONE of which had faces! I absolutely loathe sex toys with cute anthropomorphic animals on them; something that gay men apparently don’t have to worry about. Also? THE SIZES! Holy crap, where has this place been all my life?

I don’t know why the makers of sex toys for females think that all women are delicate flowers who want slender, dainty dildos in pastel colours – sometimes we want a good hard stuffing; something that a “Flora” just can’t do. Finding a dildo of a decent size (anything over 7″) in a woman-friendly sex shop is impossible and would be prohibitively expensive, if the local prices are any indication ($149.85 for 7″ x 1 3/4″?!). I’ve found a fantastic solution for this epidemic of wimpy sex toys in Priape, though – they sell things in there that strike fear deep in places where no fear – or those toys – should ever be.

And the prices! WHY are men’s toys so much cheaper than women’s?! It’s not FAIR. An 8″ dildo with some serious weight to it (yay!) is $19.95 in Priape; the closest I can find at Vancouver’s favourite store clocks in at $159.85. That isn’t a typo; that’s standard and it’s REALLY UNFAIR. I bought a 9″x a lot dildo for $22.95 at Priape; a price difference as unbelievably large as some of the butt plugs they had on display. The dildo is large enough to do some serious damage when wielded as a weapon; something that satisfies my size queen tendencies and also makes for a hilarious story. I have no need to ever shop at a women’s sex store again – not only does Priape have a great selection at ridiculous prices, there are naked men all over the place in there. So much awesome.

I don’t understand how sex toys are priced at all. 9″ is good and all, but they had a 10″ model for $32.95, a $10 difference – but the jump from 8″ to 9″ was only $4. $10 seems like a lot of money for that extra inch, and I am technically poor so I went with the slightly smaller one and used the difference in price to buy some new lube. I didn’t go to Dildo School for nothing.

I learned SO MUCH this afternoon. Now, do I use this knowledge for good or evil?