delicious juice dot com: unapologetically inappropriate

Another huge lottery jackpot, another lecture from my mother because I don’t buy lottery tickets. It can’t hurt! You never know! You need money to live! It’s better to spend $30 on lottery tickets than going out to eat! You can’t win unless you buy! I’m due for a huge jackpot any day now! If your work goes in and buys tickets, don’t be afraid to give them money! You could hit the big one! It’s just $5 or $10 or $100 dollars, that’s nothing! FUCK OFF!

I hate lottery tickets; everyone knows this. I also really, really hate the bizarro-land lectures from my mother because I don’t buy them. She honestly thinks that it’s completely foolish of me not to gamble, because I COULD WIN! MONEY! And then BOY, wouldn’t my life be SUPER! I could go on for hours about how backwards and offensive this is, but it would fall on deaf ears – so I just swallow my bile and spew it out on the internet, where it’ll do just as little good but at least make me feel better. I know it’s pointless to try and change my mother, so I won’t even try – but as it’s pretty much the only thing she ever talks about, it can make conversations with her pretty awkward and one-sided. I can usually placate her by telling her that Ed buys lottery tickets – he does, but he doesn’t tell me about it and I look the other way. It makes my stomach hurt, actually. I am not a fan.

Yesterday we had grand plans to have a low key Halloween Eve with beer, fireworks and pie. The beer and pie were easy enough to do, but it proved to be far too wet for any decent explosive fun: we shelved the idea until tonight, when we will join the masses and blow shit up for the sake of pretty colours and loud noises. The evening was still very enjoyable though; we ordered food in from Incendios, had a blast playing with Reilly’s music collection via the iTunes Remote, and devoured a massive pumpkin pie from Costco the size of a small car. With any luck, the rain will hold off after dark for long enough for us to get our bang on – but either way, I’m good. I put 98% of my Halloween energy into our office party on Friday, so I’m kind of okay with low key even with all the bitching I did about having NOTHING TO DO earlier in the week. Which is dumb, as I’ve actually done a lot of stuff this weekend – got a wikked haircut, had dim sum with friends, devoured an aforementioned pie – it’s just not in costume, is all. And that’s okay. Every day is pretty much a costume for me, so I don’t feel the need to wear a mask tonight. Maybe I’ll wear my sequined, feathered devil horns though – I love those things.

And who knows – maybe I’ll take that $30 and go out for dinner instead of buying lottery tickets. Take that, mom. I truly enjoy not listening to your advice. Neener neener!

i am pretty sure the safety instructions tell you not to do this with sparklers

As predicted, no one in my office has any idea what I’m supposed to be for Halloween. While I’m not surprised – honestly, I look like myself with a few extra accessories – I AM a little put out: I chopped off some of my hair for this! And, um, dyed it blue kind of! I should have just gone with the Bieber mask, I guess.

I’m particularly pleased with my hair. I’m getting a cut tomorrow which will basically just clean up the hack job I did this morning, but I’m loving this style. I wish my hair held blue dye better, but I did what I can – in the light my hair is blue, purple, red and brown with some white here and there. I’m classy!

I even got the necklace right, and have an Amazon box at work. I just wish someone here knew what the fuck – everyone keeps asking me where my costume is. Booooooooo!

.. to answer the age-old question that has baffled mankind for centuries: what will I look like with blue hair?

We’ll have an answer soon enough. Oh, the things I do for a mild chuckle!

I finally heard back from VanCam about my camera yesterday. The main circuit board needs to be replaced at the low, low price of $565 (including parts, labour, shipping and minus the $40 I paid up front). I laughed at the guy – that is SO not going to happen. For starters, I paid $565 for the camera brand new two years ago. Also, I got so mad the last time I tried to figure out what was happening with my stupid camera that I went online and bought a new camera, out of spite. My new camera is the Pentax K-x, which is a fancy updated entry level DSLR – it’s much better than my old one. Also, it was cheaper than getting my old camera repaired. When I was done laughing, I told them to have my camera sent back unrepaired and make sure the lens and strap were intact. I can’t wait to try the 50mm on my fancy new camera – with any luck I’ll have it back before the end of the year.

There are few things more awesome than emergency dental appointments. I bit down on a Timbit this morning and had an incredible amount of pain in my right mouth – I either cracked a tooth or lost a filling. I’ll know in a couple hours; the awesome ladies at my dentist office managed to squeeze me in – but this sucks. Between this and last night’s epic screaming match, I am having a fairly lousy day. I’m trying to be upbeat about stuff, but all I want to do is go home and hide in the closet or something. Boo.

i tried candy corn for the first time on tuesday: i do not care for it

In the 9.7 years I’ve had this blog, I’ve never made a cent from it. I don’t have ads or shill products in exchange for kickbacks or say nice things about companies that give me free stuff. People have told me to do otherwise, but I just .. haven’t. Don’t really want to. I kind of like being able to say that I’m complete untethered and sponsor-free and answer to no one but myself – in addition to being a pride thing, it also means I can say whatever I want without fear. DAMN HELL ASS! CRAP BOOBS CRAP! HELL DAMN FART!

Ahem. Anyway, I’ve been mulling over an idea for a while now, and yesterday decided to take the plunge: I applied to be a link affiliate for iTunes. This has nothing to do with Delicious Juice Dot Com, but would be used for my App Blog – I’ve been using another site’s affiliate code, so every time you buy something based on my suggestion, some other site gets cash. This hardly seems fair, so I tried to Do Something about it.

And promptly got rejected. Apple doesn’t WANT me as an affiliate. They have utterly flattened my ego and left me bruised and alone on the forest floor. To soften the crushing blow, they gave me a list of reasons I was turned down and said once I fixed them, I could apply again:

Dear Hopeless Loser Kimli,

We regret to inform you that iTunes has chosen not to accept your application for the iTunes Affiliate Program at this time.  This may be because:

• The content is unrelated to iTunes
• Your site promotes tobacco, alcoholic beverages or excessive drinking/drug use
• Your site contains extreme religious content
• Your site is international (with a majority of visitors based OUTSIDE the US or written in a foreign language)

Busted. They reviewed my site and saw that instead of reviewing apps, I regularly extol the virtues of the Army of God and make crack pipes from empty Русский Стандарт bottles (after drinking the contents of course). Apple was right to reject my affiliate application. Who am I to think that I deserve to benefit from the information I share with others? No one, that’s who. I am a bad man. A bad man who blogs in Ancient Sanskrit.

I’m really surprised that one of the reasons for my rejection *wasn’t* “adult content”. While it’s true that my app blog is relatively clean – I’ve only mentioned my vagina and boobs once – if they traced it back here, they’d be awash in my feminine juices which I hear not everyone appreciates for some reason.

So, I might try again. I might not. It isn’t a do or die thing for me; I just thought it might be neat to see what it’s like to profit from my constant internetting. I might also start giving away apps to people – did you know you can gift applications? I might buy some iTunes credits for this exact purpose. I like sharing things, okay. If it costs me a dollar but spreads some love in the process, then that’s a dollar well spent.

in your eyes i am complete

I was on TV! On Thursday the CBC came to my office to the confusion of my coworkers and interviewed me about an assault with a disturbing twist: four teenagers went to the school of a 5th and beat him up the day after a particularly volatile Warcraft III match. CBC wanted to get a gamer perspective on this, and my favourite CBC person caught wind of the story and passed along my name. Yay! Click any of the pictures to view the video!

kemli welsh, online gamer

top story: kemli's boobs

If you want to know what the hell is going on with my desk, click here – I tagged everything visible in the photo. Clearly this is the most important part of all; as my desk is so awesome.

So very amused!

Today’s Groupon is for the Vancouver Alpen Club – convenient! If you want to experience the sequins and Magic Gravy for yourself, you ought to get it. Is good deal!

Our office party is this Friday, and I’m kind of leading the party planning. It’s going to be great fun, but I’m undecided about my costume. I don’t really feel a need to go all out this year; I won the contest last year with my Super Mario costume – but I have three half-assed options, and I’m not sure which one to do:

• Rehash the Ramona Flowers outfit from PAX – I’d need to dig through my closet for an outfit, and make a giant hammer (+2 against girls)
• Punk Girl Scout – would require fabric to make a sash, and merit badges attached
• Bring back the terrifying Justin Bieber mask from Northern Voice – would require a paint stirrer

Nobody would understand the first costume, the second is a lot of work (relatively speaking), and the third is kind of lame (but really funny in my head). So, I’m putting it up to vote – which of my three really lame ideas should I do?

In other news, I’m so tired of constant negativity. I’ve really been paying attention to how people respond to things lately, even just random questions and small talk – and it’s disheartening to see/hear/read how many people instinctively have something negative to say. How about trying to be upbeat and positive for once? Is everything really THAT BAD? Yeah, it’s raining outside – is that truly the worst thing you’ve ever encountered in your life, or are you just bitching for the sake of something to say?

This isn’t to say that some people don’t have legitimate reasons to be negative and only an asshole would expect them to be cheery at all times .. it’s just the others that are starting to get to me. Does everything really suck so very hard just because your bus is full and your sandwich had mustard instead of mayo on it? I’m the first to whine about my first world problems, but I try to balance it out with general good cheer. Yes, the days are getting shorter – but spring is just around the corner! Okay, it’s raining – but it’ll pass soon enough! Maybe I spend too much time in my own head where it is happy and hilarious most of the time, or maybe I read too much into your 25 complaint-filled Tweets in a row. It’s just .. tiring. If you have a reason to be down, then more power to you – but constant complaining about nothing, to no one in particular, is just really fucking yucky.

(if you think this is directed at you, you are wrong)

The Kermit Dress lives!

During one of our last trips to America for shopping, I tried on this bright green pleated muumuu of a dress that I LOVED because it was hilarious, but everyone else hated. I often make jokes about shopping with handlers to keep me from buying ridiculous items, but it’s more of a necessity than a joke – I’ve given my friends Veto Power in an attempt to save me from myself. If you think I look terrible most of the time now, you should see what would happen if my friends weren’t involved. It .. isn’t pretty. Apparently, buying things because they’re funny does not really work with clothing.

I wasn’t really all that surprised to see the Kermit Dress again yesterday, on the clearance rack. Determined to make it work, I scooped it up and tried it on again – and was immediately veto’d by both Renee and Miranda. I was crushed – I LOVE the Kermit Dress. It’s so .. green and pleated, and it has a giant bow. Sure, it’s fantastically unflattering – it kind of makes me look like an artichoke – but I love it anyway, and it made me sad that four people had veto’d the dress.

Then I put a jacket over top of it, and pulled on my boots.

That was it! It changed the Kermit Dress from a shapeless horror to .. well, a shapeful horror that was actually kind of cute! After reviewing the outfit with the additional accessories, Miranda changed her vote and Renee soon followed. Just like that, the Kermit Dress was mine – look for it at some event near you! It is kind of impossible to miss!

The rainy season has begun, which means I won’t be wearing pants for the next little while. My pants are too long and they drag on the ground, so I try to avoid wearing pants because it’s just the grossest feeling ever (and plus I am tired of my coworkers quitting in wet pant protest) – I get to wear all the dresses and skirts I can’t really wear in the summer because I’m on Lola and it just isn’t safe. It feels equally unsafe on the bus, but here the potential for road rash is lessened.

Hey, universe: stop sticking it to people I care about. Thanks.

in limbo

Old people dancing to live polka music may just be the cutest thing ever.

A Friday night and with nothing to do, last minute plans were made for Out. But where? Miranda was craving German food and ambiance, so we headed to the Vancouver Alpen Club. I am not necessarily a fan of German food – something about that much schnitzel terrifies me – but as I had scarfed down leftover pizza an hour earlier, I was up for anything that did not involve my couch.

The Vancouver Alpen (not Alpine, as I later learned) Club is a fantastic freaking place to be. It’s likely the single most German place in all of Vancouver, and it is awesome. Great food, a live band with an accordion and tuba, and so many adorable old people cutting a serious rug while dressed in their sparkliest clothing. It may have been the only place outside of a Vegas revue that I’ve ever felt under-sequined – EVERYONE there was sparkly. I was matte and sad and desperately wishing I had had a feather boa. With me, I mean – I had several at home, of course.

put on your red shoes and dance

We ordered drinks and food from a super friendly server who was genuinely upset for me that I was the Designated Driver for the evening. I didn’t start out as DD, but Reilly ordered a beer that came out the size of his head so we thought it best to arrange our safe passage home beforehand. Also, I don’t drink and stuff. It was all largely unnecessary in the end as we were there for several hours, the one beer was more than enough, and it was followed by two equally large coffees – but it was nice to receive condolences over my DD status as opposed to the usual eye-rolling from servers who think I’m the cheapskate of the bunch.

Since I had eaten before I left the house, I opted for a pretzel and the haussalat while the others ordered complicated-sounding foods like schweinefilet, schweineschnitzel and rinderrroulade. I later regretted my unadventurous ordering, as the bites I stole from everyone’s plate were kind of sublime – the Germans know how to make a mean gravy that made EVERYTHING taste amazing, even more so than it was unadorned. Reilly also ordered the Sausage Sampler, something I had my eye on but opted against because a) even I have a sausage limit, and b) a traumatic childhood experience left me scarred and loathing European wieners.

so much schnitzel!

The VAC was split into a restaurant and a dance floor which was decorated with disembodied, mounted animal horns. These may have been the same animals featured in Reilly’s Sausage Sampler, actually. It’d have been pretty fucking creepy if not for the band blasting polka’d versions of all the hits of the 50s and 60s and beyond – seriously, you’ve never heard “Mambo Number 5″ until you’ve heard it as a polka. When people weren’t dancing, they were enjoying the band and rocking out – we had an old German man sitting with us, providing the tuba line on the table so hard my wrists were shaking. It was really sweet to see the old, bedazzled couples having such a fantastic time – they reminded me of my parents, who used to go out dancing at the Legion every weekend before my dad got too ill and my mom too crazy. I imagine it was very similar to what I saw last night, and it made me smile.

There was something incredible going on at every corner of the Vancouver Alpen club – even the notices posted on the bulletin board were amazing. I have a new crush on a man named Paul, who needs some lederhosen:

paul needs lederhosen. won't you help him?

As it turns out though, German food gives me weird ass dreams. In the 5 hours I slept, I :

• Killed a man at a public bath because I had an overwhelming urge to push him down the stairs
• Narrowly avoided decapitation due to someone stringing navy blue yarn across a McDonald’s parking lot at a Halloween party
• Couldn’t get my passport in Victoria because I couldn’t tag the photos I took at Fragapalooza (the keyboard kept switching languages on me)
• Had sex at train crossing while fleeing from my crime
• Discovered Ed was previously married, 65 years old AND being hunted down by his ex-wife for sex
• Drove through a video game demo and came to a stop in an episode of King of the Hill guest starring John Goodman as a surly short-order cook
• Rode Lola down the interstate without a helmet or a seatbelt, behind people I know in incorrect couple configurations
• Was hunted down by the brother of the man I pushed down the stairs – he wore a trench coat and spoke like a bad crime movie from the 50′s (I lost him in a pickup truck that I later had train crossing sex in)

Any one of these would make for a weird dream, but all of them at once had me awake and baffled at 7am. What the hell was in that gravy? Doesn’t matter; I’d eat it again in a second, over cereal if I had to. It was tasty.

We’re already making plans to go to the Alpen Club again, this time with Ed and Josh in tow as they are both Fans of Sauerkraut. Next time, I’m gonna wear sequins. I will never be out-sequined again.

hee hee "sausage"