fiscal irresponsibility

Another huge lottery jackpot, another lecture from my mother because I don’t buy lottery tickets. It can’t hurt! You never know! You need money to live! It’s better to spend $30 on lottery tickets than going out to eat! You can’t win unless you buy! I’m due for a huge jackpot any day now! If your work goes in and buys tickets, don’t be afraid to give them money! You could hit the big one! It’s just $5 or $10 or $100 dollars, that’s nothing! FUCK OFF!

I hate lottery tickets; everyone knows this. I also really, really hate the bizarro-land lectures from my mother because I don’t buy them. She honestly thinks that it’s completely foolish of me not to gamble, because I COULD WIN! MONEY! And then BOY, wouldn’t my life be SUPER! I could go on for hours about how backwards and offensive this is, but it would fall on deaf ears – so I just swallow my bile and spew it out on the internet, where it’ll do just as little good but at least make me feel better. I know it’s pointless to try and change my mother, so I won’t even try – but as it’s pretty much the only thing she ever talks about, it can make conversations with her pretty awkward and one-sided. I can usually placate her by telling her that Ed buys lottery tickets – he does, but he doesn’t tell me about it and I look the other way. It makes my stomach hurt, actually. I am not a fan.

Yesterday we had grand plans to have a low key Halloween Eve with beer, fireworks and pie. The beer and pie were easy enough to do, but it proved to be far too wet for any decent explosive fun: we shelved the idea until tonight, when we will join the masses and blow shit up for the sake of pretty colours and loud noises. The evening was still very enjoyable though; we ordered food in from Incendios, had a blast playing with Reilly’s music collection via the iTunes Remote, and devoured a massive pumpkin pie from Costco the size of a small car. With any luck, the rain will hold off after dark for long enough for us to get our bang on – but either way, I’m good. I put 98% of my Halloween energy into our office party on Friday, so I’m kind of okay with low key even with all the bitching I did about having NOTHING TO DO earlier in the week. Which is dumb, as I’ve actually done a lot of stuff this weekend – got a wikked haircut, had dim sum with friends, devoured an aforementioned pie – it’s just not in costume, is all. And that’s okay. Every day is pretty much a costume for me, so I don’t feel the need to wear a mask tonight. Maybe I’ll wear my sequined, feathered devil horns though – I love those things.

And who knows – maybe I’ll take that $30 and go out for dinner instead of buying lottery tickets. Take that, mom. I truly enjoy not listening to your advice. Neener neener!

i am pretty sure the safety instructions tell you not to do this with sparklers

kimli flowers

As predicted, no one in my office has any idea what I’m supposed to be for Halloween. While I’m not surprised – honestly, I look like myself with a few extra accessories – I AM a little put out: I chopped off some of my hair for this! And, um, dyed it blue kind of! I should have just gone with the Bieber mask, I guess.

i don’t own shorts or rollerblades ok

I’m particularly pleased with my hair. I’m getting a cut tomorrow which will basically just clean up the hack job I did this morning, but I’m loving this style. I wish my hair held blue dye better, but I did what I can – in the light my hair is blue, purple, red and brown with some white here and there. I’m classy!

chop chop

I even got the necklace right, and have an Amazon box at work. I just wish someone here knew what the fuck – everyone keeps asking me where my costume is. Booooooooo!



doing science

.. to answer the age-old question that has baffled mankind for centuries: what will I look like with blue hair?

We’ll have an answer soon enough. Oh, the things I do for a mild chuckle!

five can thursday

I finally heard back from VanCam about my camera yesterday. The main circuit board needs to be replaced at the low, low price of $565 (including parts, labour, shipping and minus the $40 I paid up front). I laughed at the guy – that is SO not going to happen. For starters, I paid $565 for the camera brand new two years ago. Also, I got so mad the last time I tried to figure out what was happening with my stupid camera that I went online and bought a new camera, out of spite. My new camera is the Pentax K-x, which is a fancy updated entry level DSLR – it’s much better than my old one. Also, it was cheaper than getting my old camera repaired. When I was done laughing, I told them to have my camera sent back unrepaired and make sure the lens and strap were intact. I can’t wait to try the 50mm on my fancy new camera – with any luck I’ll have it back before the end of the year.

There are few things more awesome than emergency dental appointments. I bit down on a Timbit this morning and had an incredible amount of pain in my right mouth – I either cracked a tooth or lost a filling. I’ll know in a couple hours; the awesome ladies at my dentist office managed to squeeze me in – but this sucks. Between this and last night’s epic screaming match, I am having a fairly lousy day. I’m trying to be upbeat about stuff, but all I want to do is go home and hide in the closet or something. Boo.

i tried candy corn for the first time on tuesday: i do not care for it


extreme religious content

In the 9.7 years I’ve had this blog, I’ve never made a cent from it. I don’t have ads or shill products in exchange for kickbacks or say nice things about companies that give me free stuff. People have told me to do otherwise, but I just .. haven’t. Don’t really want to. I kind of like being able to say that I’m complete untethered and sponsor-free and answer to no one but myself – in addition to being a pride thing, it also means I can say whatever I want without fear. DAMN HELL ASS! CRAP BOOBS CRAP! HELL DAMN FART!

Ahem. Anyway, I’ve been mulling over an idea for a while now, and yesterday decided to take the plunge: I applied to be a link affiliate for iTunes. This has nothing to do with Delicious Juice Dot Com, but would be used for my App Blog – I’ve been using another site’s affiliate code, so every time you buy something based on my suggestion, some other site gets cash. This hardly seems fair, so I tried to Do Something about it.

And promptly got rejected. Apple doesn’t WANT me as an affiliate. They have utterly flattened my ego and left me bruised and alone on the forest floor. To soften the crushing blow, they gave me a list of reasons I was turned down and said once I fixed them, I could apply again:

Dear Hopeless Loser Kimli,

We regret to inform you that iTunes has chosen not to accept your application for the iTunes Affiliate Program at this time.  This may be because:

  • The content is unrelated to iTunes
  • Your site promotes tobacco, alcoholic beverages or excessive drinking/drug use
  • Your site contains extreme religious content
  • Your site is international (with a majority of visitors based OUTSIDE the US or written in a foreign language)

Busted. They reviewed my site and saw that instead of reviewing apps, I regularly extol the virtues of the Army of God and make crack pipes from empty Русский Стандарт bottles (after drinking the contents of course). Apple was right to reject my affiliate application. Who am I to think that I deserve to benefit from the information I share with others? No one, that’s who. I am a bad man. A bad man who blogs in Ancient Sanskrit.

I’m really surprised that one of the reasons for my rejection *wasn’t* “adult content”. While it’s true that my app blog is relatively clean – I’ve only mentioned my vagina and boobs once – if they traced it back here, they’d be awash in my feminine juices which I hear not everyone appreciates for some reason.

So, I might try again. I might not. It isn’t a do or die thing for me; I just thought it might be neat to see what it’s like to profit from my constant internetting. I might also start giving away apps to people – did you know you can gift applications? I might buy some iTunes credits for this exact purpose. I like sharing things, okay. If it costs me a dollar but spreads some love in the process, then that’s a dollar well spent.

in your eyes i am complete


assault with a disturbing twist

I was on TV! On Thursday the CBC came to my office to the confusion of my coworkers and interviewed me about an assault with a disturbing twist: four teenagers went to the school of a 5th and beat him up the day after a particularly volatile Warcraft III match. CBC wanted to get a gamer perspective on this, and my favourite CBC person caught wind of the story and passed along my name. Yay! Click any of the pictures to view the video!

kemli welsh, online gamer

top story: kemli's boobs

If you want to know what the hell is going on with my desk, click here – I tagged everything visible in the photo. Clearly this is the most important part of all; as my desk is so awesome.

So very amused!



Today’s Groupon is for the Vancouver Alpen Club – convenient! If you want to experience the sequins and Magic Gravy for yourself, you ought to get it. Is good deal!


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