Dear Apple:

I would like to bring the seriousness of your false advertising to your attention. While I am not requesting a refund – you will pry my iPhone out of my tiny, clammy hands – I do hope that this letter will force you to Do Something about the misleading claims made by your company.

I have been using your “Facetime” video phone feature a lot over the last few days, and I am extremely disheartened to note that my Facetime experiences contained none of the following:

• News that my spouse is finally pregnant, meaning fatherhood is at last within my reach
• Fat babies crawling across the floor and waving hello to Business Trip Dad
• Grandparents admiring graduation gowns
• Fashion advice
• Ultrasounds being shown to extremely photogenic soliders on a tour of duty
• Heartwarmingly funny fathers (who are barely older than their teenage children) reacting to a drastic haircut and/or new braces
• Crystal clear high definition picture

Based on your constant advertising for the iPhone 4 and Facetime, I had a reasonable expectation to see some, if not all, of the things your commercials promised. I do not recall your campaign featuring choppy, pixelated images that freeze and drop calls at random, or a strange echo that comes from using the speaker phone.

Also, there was a great deal more penis in my Facetime experience than previously advertised.

In all fairness to consumers, I really think you ought to redo the Facetime commercials on television to show real people, really using the product. Simulated images and happy, wholesome people sharing gooey snippets of life’s big moments in crystal clarity is just not the reality: you should be showing grainy tits and cocks at 4 frames per second, and maybe people illegally streaming live concert footage for their friends who couldn’t get in. This sappy Oxygen Network stuff just doesn’t happen in the real world.

So much cock!

Sincerely,

Kimli