guilt

I don’t often feel like anything I ever do is wrong, but I’ve got some guilt going and I don’t care for it one bit.

Ed is in Alberta on business, and he left two days early to spend some time with his friends and family and/or away from me. From the brief conversation we had via MSN last night, I gather that he didn’t get to see as many friends as he’d have liked – they’re all busy having babies and shit. Most of me is reacting as expected (“ewwwwww, why”), but there’s a small part of me that won’t shut up that wonders if I did the right thing.

Not having babies is the right thing for me; there’s no question about that. However, every once in a while I wonder about Ed: is he truly on board with Team No Babies, or was he simply caught up in the ferocity of my convictions?

It seems as though everyone from Ed’s Alberta life is having kids – best friends, the cousins he grew up with, the people he hung out with daily. There are babies everywhere, except for in or around us. I’m ecstatic about that, but is he? Have I trapped him (for lack of a better word) in a life he doesn’t want? Am I denying him his right to procreate?

This thought kept me awake last night, because it’s a hell of a thought to have. I don’t tend to dwell on the consequences my decisions have wrought, but every once in a while – like now – I seethe with guilt because of my unwillingness to be a vessel of life. As far as *I’M* concerned, everything is super – I don’t want kids, and my mother doesn’t want grandkids (but even if she did, who cares) so that’s that. But .. Ed’s an only child too, meaning not only will HE not get the chance to raise children, I’ve denied his parents grandchildren. I feel .. mean.

Part of the problem is my inability to take people at face value. You can sit me down, look me in the eyes and say with every ounce of conviction you can muster “Kimli, I do not like mayonnaise”, and I will always wonder if, deep down, you don’t actually like mayonnaise but are saying you don’t just to spare my feelings. Ed has told me that he doesn’t want kids .. but is that true? Or is he just telling me what I want to hear? Do these visits home make him sad? Are his friends leading the lives he was meant to have; one that he’s being kept from because of me?

I am a selfish being, and I’m okay with that. If Ed came home tomorrow and said he wanted children, I would let him have them .. just not with me. I’d let him go; let him find someone to have children with. There are some things that are too important to simply “put up with” if there’s discourse in a relationship, and this is one of them. I’m not going to change my mind, but he’s allowed to change his – the price just happens to be me. It would suck great heaping gobs of suck, but part of being pro-choice is allowing people to CHOOSE what’s right for them – and if he CHOOSES to want children, I’m not going to stand in his way.

Yeah, this is a really crappy line of thought for a Monday morning: cutting your husband free if he decides he wants the one thing you won’t give him. I’d do it, though. I have a secret fear of being resented, and I’d rather let him go than think he’d be secretly hating me for the next 50 years.

Now I have a sad.

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