hopefully not last will and testament

I have a love/hate relationship with mayo. It’s not something I normally need, because the most common application around these parts is on sandwiches and we all know how I feel about those. I don’t think mayo is a vital condiment like ketchup or salsa; it’s more of a “nice to have” just in case. Mayo is tricky to keep around, though – it comes out so infrequently that I always find it’s expired when I use it next. This leads to the overkill affect when grocery shopping; buying the same item over and over again because you can’t remember if you bought it last time. This is why I currently have 7 cans of green chiles in my cupboard – we only use them when we have Costco enchiladas, and we haven’t had them in over a year. Same for creamed corn, although that gets used more frequently. And it’s just better if you don’t ask about the taco seasoning, okay? Just .. don’t.

Mayo continually escapes my grasp, though. I don’t WANT 5 jars of mayo in my food closet, so each time I buy food I think “do we really need this? probably not.” and put it back. Last time we did groceries, though, I specifically remember saying we needed mayo and made a play for the aisle. Ed stopped me, saying “nah, we totally have mayo at home! trust me!” and so I DID, since he makes sandwiches all the time and would likely know if our mayo was still good or not. I put the jar back and went on my merry way, grabbing a bottle of jerk sauce just in case we were out (we weren’t; there are three full bottles in the house and I bought another one tonight). This was barely three weeks ago; I figured any mayo we had that was still good then would likely be fine now so I again did not buy any.

I’m tired. I’m cranky. Ed is out at a fancy dinner eating foie gras and pate and pork bellies and other disgusting things that people consider gourmet instead of gross, and all I want is a simple tuna sandwich with a side of ruffled potato chips, like my dad used to make me. It’s comfort food through and through, and I eat it even though it makes me sad (it was the last meal I shared with Sasha and every time I make a tuna sandwich I expect her to come running for her share). I’ve had a really rough couple of weeks, and while it’s not lobster served on a bed of hundred dollar bills, it’s all I want right now. A tuna sandwich, a handful of potato chips, and a hug (and a pug and a MMF 3-way, but I’ll take what I can get right now).

Yeah, the mayo that Ed swore was good and fine? Expired in NOVEMBER.

Ed SUCKS.

I’m going to eat it anyway. My bra is off, and I’m not putting it back on for ANYTHING. Therefore, this is a will of sorts – if this expired mayonnaise kills me, I, Kimli of the Internet, declare that a) Ed killed me, b) you can find pictures of his wang in secret location that will auto-post itself if I go without blogging for 72 hours, c) Sasha and I would like our ashes spread somewhere awesome, and d) don’t touch my stuff.

That is all.

Anyone have a hazmat suit I can borrow?

what’s in my bag?

What ISN’T in my bag? Well, not these things:

what? it's all important!

  • My iPad in a Roxypop case while I wait 50 years for my replacement Portenzo case
  • Cheese
  • Like/Dislike stamps
  • Old Navy wallet containing necessary but not vital cards and ID
  • World’s Most Awesome Pill Case holding an assortment of (legal) drugs and a pair of earrings
  • Peppermint oil for headaches that the above mentioned pill case cannot cure
  • House key and the enormous fob that gets us into the garage, attached to a huge Hello Kitty-in-glasses keychain
  • Small black H&M bag holding:
  • Colour filters
  • Pork piPod and headphones
  • Lego man LED light
  • R2D2 LED light
  • Thunderbolt LED with sound!
  • MAC Compact
  • Hello Kitty x Tokidoki coin purse that holds money, the World’s Dirtiest Smutton, my bank card and driver’s license
  • Bokeh filters
  • 5 gum in Rain (spearmint)
  • World’s Geekiest Keychain:
    • Scott Pilgrim and Ramona Flowers charms
    • Gate Keychain
    • Ray gun pew pew
    • A robot
    • Rockstar Games keychain that came with the collector’s edition of Grand Theft Auto IV
    • Metal Domo-kun cellphone charm that Ali got from her trip to Japan in like 2000 and gave to me and it’s my favourite
    • An actual key! (spare key to the bucket on my Vespa)
  • One bus ticket
  • An expense cheque for almost $900 that American Express would appreciate me depositing very, very soon
  • A pen
  • Four different kinds of lip gloss
  • An eyeshadow stick I’ve been meaning to return because the colour sucks
  • Solid perfume from Lush (Lust)
  • Keys to the Mazdabator
  • Small gold Benefit bag containing:
    • Three more kinds of lip gloss
    • Three kinds of eyeliner
    • Emergency mascara
    • Tweezers
    • Perfume roller ball
    • Another barette
    • Two Delicious Juice Dot Com buttons
    • Two keys for the heart lock I have on all my bags and my work ID
    • A very round stone
    • Two 5-pence coins
    • A Toronto subway token

.. all toted around in a teal messenger bag satchel thingie I got from Bodacious on Boxing Day.

All these things tell you a story: I am afraid of being caught in the dark with dry lips and no toys, and I carry too many keychains (missing are my scooter keys, coz it’s not riding season).

No wonder my shoulder hurts all the time.

Thanks to Rick Chung, from whom I stole this idea and who carries a lot less stuff than I do (but has a way cooler USB drive).

 

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