Inevitably, talk turned to my job hunt. I answered truthfully – I’m pursuing a number of different leads, some more promising/interesting than others. Mom was quick to jump in with some good advice for me: TAKE THE FIRST THING YOU FIND OR YOU’LL BE HOMELESS!

I’m beginning to think my melodramatic tendencies were a learned behaviour.

Some of the things I’m looking into are more appealing than others, but mom thinks I need to accept the very first thing that comes along or no one will offer me anything ever again. I can’t help but be slightly offended at this line of thinking, because my mother has NO IDEA what I do for a living – how would she know one way or another if I’m hireable or not? I know she simply worries about my mortgage – I think she cares about it more than she does me – but my reassurances that my mortgage is FINE and being paid and I’m in no danger of being thrown out onto the cold, cold streets anytime soon do little to shut her up. I gave up trying to explain things to her and let her ramble on about jobs being hard to find and I need to swallow my pride and take the first job that comes along no matter how terrible a fit because it’s all about sacrifice and bills and money and lottery tickets – but damnit, I didn’t start out listening to my mother, and I’m not about to start now.

Everyone tells me that something awesome will come along; something that will be a perfect fit for my wordsmithy ways and technical wizardry. I want to believe them – it keeps the blinding waves of panic at bay – but when I’m not getting responses from these dream jobs, I start to think mom is right and I SHOULD take the very first thing that comes my way for the sake of my jet set lifestyle and continual home ownership. I’m torn between logic and the dream on both sides of the equation, and it’s giving me a headache. At this stage in my career, I don’t think that my looking for an excellent employment fit is really all that unreasonable – I work so much better when I’m enjoying myself, and it’s not like I ask for very much (other than complete creative freedom when writing dry documentation material). When things were good at my last job, I genuinely had a blast: when writing my recap of 2011, I was amused to see how many posts I made about the work I was doing, and how much fun I had while doing it. Wanting that again is not at all too much to ask .. and in that line of thinking, I want to hold out for a company that will appreciate all the awesome things I can do instead of make exceptions for the weird girl in the corner.

.. on the other hand, the threat of government cheese is all too real and fills me with illogical panic every time I pay the bills.

I’m even torn about the timeline of it all. I’ve been without a job for barely over one month (and most of that month was swallowed up by the holiday season) – surely it’s too early to start freaking out and accepting jobs that fill me with dread and depressions. I did receive severance and qualify for EI if it comes to it – but it’s too soon to worry, right? I still have the luxury of time to wait for the right offer to make itself available to me .. but how long can I keep this consuming panic locked away in a dark place where no one can see it? I don’t even LIKE cheese.

My goal for the upcoming week is to get a technical writing portfolio online. One step at a time, and all that – although now I’m second guessing my ability to do even that. What if my work is horrible and everyone hates it and me? OH GOD

This is why I should never THINK. Thinking is scary!

thinking gives you wrinkles