Today is Ed’s birthday. Happy birthday, Ed!

I did not have time to craft him up a birthday card in my usual nonsensical style, so I improvised: I gave him a filthy card and, borrowing heavily from James Joyce’s love letters to Nora, crammed it full of birthday greetings and early 20th century lyrical smut. I may not share Joyce’s passion for his lover’s farts – quite the opposite, really – but I wholeheartedly approve of the lusty nature of his correspondence and the graphic yet quaint descriptions of titty fucking and hand jobs.

I love you Ed, and not in the least because you let me do unspeakable things to you in the name of science!

yay ed!

According to the Google, Mercury is not currently in retrograde. This leads me to believe that the End of Times has begun, because things are getting all doomy up in here – for the past week, the news has been full of FUCKED UP SHIT that is only getting worse:

• Naked face eater in Florida
• Random murders and car-jacking in Seattle, leaving 5 dead
• Two shot and killed in Maple Ridge and a third victim in critical condition; suspect killed in a police shootout
• Body parts mailed all over the place (with some still in transit)
• A torso in a suitcase and a man on the run after leaving notes saying he’ll kill again

.. and just now, I’ve been offered cash compensation – twice – due to the problems I am experiencing with the vaginal mesh I didn’t even know I had. Okay, maybe my vaginal mesh issues aren’t on the same scale as someone eating another person’s face, but STILL. Weird things are happening all over the place and I for one am preparing for the worst: I bought three bottles of Diet Coke and a can of Pringles on my way to work this morning. I’m ready for anything.

I can’t help but feel that all this bizarre, X-Files-style news portends something scary and ominous; perhaps worthy of the terrifying music from the Prometheus trailer (seriously I think the world is ending every time it comes on TV). Are things aligning in a bad way? Were the Mayans onto something? What does Nostradamus have to say about all this? In what way is it the fault of the Liberal media? SO MANY QUESTIONS. So many fucked up crimes. Don’t kill each other, okay? And don’t send body parts via Canada Post. No one wants to deal with the cleanup when they inevitably fail to deliver the package on time and mail you a “come get it yourself” notice instead.