delicious juice dot com: unapologetically inappropriate

You know what you need? MORE CATS.

This is Fiji. She is a femme fatale with a secret past and glorious green eyes; fond of high fives, sensual espionage, and belly rubs. Fiji came to Katie’s Place Shelter after seeking asylum from her foreign diplomat boyfriend who had been arrested for selling secrets and imitation tuna to the Soviets, and she has decided that Canada is the perfect place to retire from her exotic past. Fiji is seeking a forever home; one where she can forget all about the danger and intrigue of her former life and instead bask in the warmth of sunshine and unconditional love. Will you be the one to take Fiji in? She’s at Katie’s Place Shelter in Maple Ridge, waiting for you with open paws and a sophisticated air.

This is the closest you are likely to get to James Bond:

This is Bit Bit. He needs a home after his previous home was destroyed in an unfortunate zombie ninja incident. Bit Bit managed to escape after valiantly saving several adorable large-eyed orphans and also a delicious pie, but sadly found himself without a place to sleep when the dust and limbs settled. Science has proven that taking Bit Bit into your heart and home will make your hair thicker and shinier, make you more attractive to the sex of your choosing, cause multiple undetectable “bank errors” in your favour, and increase your attention span. Someone once told me you are looking for all those things, so do yourself a favour and adopt Bit Bit today. He’s at Katie’s Place Shelter in Maple Ridge, being suave and fighting crime, and he needs YOU.

Over the course of the last week, I’ve unsubscribed myself from dozens of newsletters and email lists. I’ve kept far away from Etsy and deleted all my bookmarks for my favourite shopping sites, because I am done.

It’s taken me a lot longer than most people, but I am finally tired of being in debt. What started out years ago as an exercise in self-pity basically turned into a lifestyle, and with the advent of international shipping and being several clicks away from literally anything .. well, I have a lot of stuff. I do not need more stuff. I am extremely fortunate, because I don’t want or need for anything (we are far from rich, but my taste in everything except electronics tends to run towards the cheap and ridiculous)  - so there is no reason for me to scratch that shopping itch on a near-daily basis, buying anything that catches my eye. So, no more. When I’m bored I often find myself window shopping online, which inevitably turns into an impulse purchase. Instead, I’m going to put that energy to poor (but free) use; setting up silly Lego scenes or working on my erotic biography of Wilder Penfield (sample dialogue: “Doctor, I smell burnt toast!” “Shh, baby, that’s just my burning love for you” *commence plowing*).

To combat the debt, I’m turning it into a game: for every chunk of debt we pay down, we shall celebrate with Pinkberry. It’s cheap and delicious (much like myself), and a satisfactory way to celebrate my newfound fiscal responsibility without going into further debt. We all win, but especially the bank!

This entire process is undoubtedly going to take some effort. For one, it’s not like I’m never going to spend money again: I just need to remember the distinct line between want and need. I need oxygen, Diet Coke, and weapons-grade plutonium to live. I want a thousand shiny trinkets and things that go beep in the night. Until I come into several million dollars (which will happen when someone buys the rights to my life story), these things are no longer the same. I may slip up and invent loopholes from time to time – this week I spent $15 on the Humble Bundle and felt guilty about it until I decided that digital purchases did not count – but I’m getting better at saying “NO” to myself, and that’s all I can really hope for.

Also, our trip to London does not count.

Like all things, this will be an adventure. As long as I keep looking at it like a fun challenge instead of an annoying limitation, I should be able to have fun with it – and as long as there is fun, I can do anything.

Who’s up for some good old-fashioned free fun?!

I am SO TIRED that attending my first meeting this morning actually woke me up a little. That ain’t RIGHT.

Two days ago, the airline emailed me to let me know our flights to London had changed ever so slightly: instead of an 8:05pm departure we’re now leaving at 8:25, and returning at 2:55pm instead of 3:10. We’re still two months away from our trip, but if the airline has already started notifying me about changes and that my seat is terrible I figure I should be allowed to start packing. So, I have. There’s a small suitcase in my Lady Cave where I’m storing “For London” items – so far, it contains a whole lot of UK power adapters, our Oyster Cards, and a piggy bank of the leftover change I had from our last trip. I’m off to a good start, I think – I can get around the city, I will have power for my phone and laptop, and I can buy some Diet Coke. What more do I need?

Certainly not pants.

 

It seems as though the entire universe is in a bad mood today, myself included – so let’s all cheer up by looking at some beautiful cats that need homes. I can absolutely guarantee that giving a cat a much-needed home full of love will do wonders for any mood, so don’t think – just go with your heart (because if I do it, I’ll end up with 84 cats).

Rosie:

This here is Rosie. Don’t let her upright stance fool you; Rosie spends an equal amount of time being adorably upside down:

Rosie is shy at first meeting, but will quickly become your best friend. She’s a snuggler, loving attention and playtime. Rosie is full of personality, and could easily dominate other, more timid animals – so she’s probably better off being the doted-upon only cat in a stable home. Sadly, Rosie has experienced some trauma recently and as a result she’s going through some litter box issues. All she needs is a bunch of love and a little patience, and she’ll be back to her within-the-lines self in no time.

Do you have a home you can offer gorgeous Miss Rosie? She’s currently at at Katie’s Place Shelter in Maple Ridge, waiting for you. GO NOW!

Tyson:

Tyson is a healthy, affectionate cat with fun crinkly ears (fun fact: he’s known as a “Shelter Fold” because he has folded ears due to past ear hematomas as opposed to being a Scottish Fold cat). In addition to his neat eats, Tyson also comes installed with a mouth at no extra charge to you:

This lovely happy boy needs you to love him madly. If you are in love with Tyson, you should adopt him from Katie’s Place Shelter very soon because I am about to tell my co-worker who is also named Tyson and is ALSO orange all over that he needs to step up and take his kitten doppelgänger home.

Shelley:

Shelley, like me, would do best in a home without children. She’s a fluffy ball of love, hungry for affection and a home of her very own. Shelley is a gentle, undemanding cat with a lot to offer a family; able to entertain herself but happily accepting of attention. She’s also beautiful and SO FLUFFY:

Shelley is patiently waiting for you at Katie’s Place. Please give her a home today!

See more kitites who only want to be loved at Orphan Animal Pics!

KITTIES!

We Wangzilla-Pinduccis are a delicious bunch:

Our weekend in Victoria was actually a great time – the weather on Saturday was gorgeous, and we spent it all outside. The highlight of the afternoon was definitely the Petting Zoo at Beacon Hill Park – apparently, I am extremely delicious to baby goats. I made many friends at the zoo while fending off my dress, sweater, buttons, bag, phone, necklace, sunglasses and hair from being eaten; goats were all around me up in my business and it was awesome. One goat in particular, Wall-E, looooooved me – he would jump on my back and snorfle at my neck, and kept coming back for attention (and to eat my pieces). Eventually, he did the cutest thing ever – climbed up into my lap and FELL ASLEEP ON ME:

He slept like that for at least 15 minutes before I had to set him down (he was heavy and slidey), but it was hard to let him go because OMG ADORABLE. I want to love all the animals, all the time. LOVE.

Speaking of loving animals, I should have some new cats to feature that need homes – adopt them! Adopt them now! Watch this space for more heartbreaking pictures of orphaned cats.

Also, I’ve made a Big Life Decision that I will inevitably share here shortly.

Happy rainy Monday!

It’s probably psychosomatic, but coming to Victoria always makes me tired. Like, asleep at 8pm tired. It never used to be this way – these are my old stomping grounds, and I distinctly remember stomping all through the night and into the wee hours of the morning. I’m not nearly old enough to be one of Victoria’s many elderly, so there is absolutely no excuse for dozing my way through yet another visit home. Last night as I was lamenting my lack of energy, I grew angry at the apathy of it all – so I dragged Ed outside for some fresh air in the Minibator.

We ended up on Dallas Rd (as was often the case while cruising in my mother’s purloined Hyundai Pony). There were two enormous cruise ships in dock, so we stopped at Ogden Point to gawk at these floating cities (and to familiarize ourselves with where humanity will inevitably end up living when we melt all the ice caps and the oceans rise up to reclaim the land). We stopped at the Breakwater to enjoy the smells of my misspent youth, parked at Clover Point and totally made out while a creepy man in a van watched, and looked for ghosts at the Victoria Golf Club. I wanted to stop at Ross Bay Cemetery, but Ed declined so I showed him my favourite stupid prank – driving through the stretch of road through the golf course with the car’s headlights turned off. That bit of road is completely unlit, so passing through the supposedly lady-haunted valley in complete darkness is spooky as hell (if a ridiculous thing to do).

Our ride took us through Uplands to gawk at the estates, where we saw a ghost bunny. I drove us up Mt. Tolmie to look out at the city, and then I had to pee so we went back to my mom’s place. I felt much better after our nighttime drive – sure, we didn’t find ourselves at a party making out with strangers or on Douglas St loitering in front of the many 7-11s, but that’s okay. I went Outside and wasn’t asleep at 9pm, so it was a victory for me.

I am up early (it’s almost impossible to sleep here, so when I finally doze off around 4am I tend to stay asleep for a while), so I am going to take advantage of the day and go downtown to see what’s changed. Tonight we’re going out for dinner with mom, and then I plan to Go Outside again: I want to wander the Inner Harbour and Government St like a tourist. Outside! It is pretty super!

I am in an abusive relationship with a bagel.

Tim Hortons (whom I’ve partially forgiven for the Router Fiasco that was my entire life several years ago, mostly for the sake of convenience) has a Various-Cheese-and-Jalapeño-Bagel that KICKS MY ASS. I don’t know why – as half a brown person, jalapeños are not spicy to me – yet every time I eat one of these things, I find myself in a significant amount of discomfort and glee. Sure, I could just not eat them, but they are mighty delicious (if a little burny). I just wish I knew why my mouth hole finds them so very spicy, when all other jalapeños are mild like kittens dancing on my tongue. Still, the burning is much better than the alternative of “no breakfast”, as I can rarely get outside for lunch these days. I am busy. Beyond busy. Working 12 hour days busy. Burny bagels are the fuel that allow me to stagger home at night!

Ed and I are off to Victoria tomorrow, for a long (long, long, long) overdue visit to see my mother. I did a solo trip in mid-January to delivery frilly underthings, but we haven’t been over as a unit since November or so. It’s not that I don’t want to see my crazy mother, but the expense of it all – not including gas or incidentals, it costs us $165.80 for a return trip to the island – fucking gets my panties in a knot. It feels like throwing money away, and that enrages me. It’s so bad that’s actually cheaper to take the ferry between Sidney and Anacortes WA, and just drive back through the states. I was actually hoping we could do that this weekend, but I’m not the only one who’s thought of it – the reservations for the noon sailing from Sidney are full, and cars start lining up at 8am to get on that boat. If we missed the sailing, we’d be waiting until 5:55pm for the next boat and I just don’t want to do that.

The more I dwell on it, the angrier I get. I should just suck it up – get through this visit, and I’m off the hook for a little while. Plus, there’s London to look forward to. I know that’s a hundred times more expensive than going to Victoria, but it’s something *I* choose to do – it’s not an obligation, which makes all the difference in the world. Fuck obligations, unless they’re cheap and all the fun. Expensive and some of the fun is not good enough. I WANT ALL THE FUN.

Okay, enough ranting. I have many, many words to cross out and then new, better words to write down in mustard yellow. ONWARD!

A play in one act:

Ed, after delivering me a cookie (because my project document reached 100 pages and I thought I deserved one): You’ve got some make up under your eye there.
Me: *rubbing face under eye*
Ed: Nope, still there *pokes me in the face where my makeup has strayed outside the lines*
Me: *rubbing harder* ow .. maybe I’ll just go look in the mirror.
Ed: OK!
Me: *looks in mirror* *laughs wildly* *makes reference to Oscar Wilde book*

.. yeah, it wasn’t smeared makeup under my eye – they were deep, dark circles accompanied by a fine set of luggage. My “look 30 until I’m 60″ Asian Card must have gone through the wash or something, because I am kind of haggard this morning. Stop looking at my portrait, people. It’s where all my sins and misdeeds go, and by exposing the picture to the light you’re aging me needlessly and I DO NOT CARE FOR IT.

I may need some sleep and several gallons of water.

It’s a well-known fact that while Apple offers free engraving on devices ordered through their online store, you’re censored in what you can have engraved – for example, they won’t do swear words or anything referencing drugs, stealing music, jailbreaking, and more. It’s not a huge deal – if you really want to have “I fuck like a cocaine pirate” engraved on your device, you can just take it to a kiosk and have it done separately. You could also try to disguise your filthy words in other languages, use hex or binary, or replace vowels with symbols (simple k-rAd speak isn’t enough – “sh1t” won’t go through but “sh!+” might) .. but that just seems like a lot of work to me.

It was far easier to just use taboo words from 17th century Scandinavia:

Despite my whorish tendencies, I will never go A2M. I am so sure of this that I have it engraved on things!

Take that, censorship! Kimli: 1, Apple: all my money!

Heeee.