I have a sereis of Year End blog posts that I usually write:

• A recap of the previous year
• A final tally of iTunes spending
• A post revisiting the goals I laid out for myself at the end of the previous year, and what I want to accomplish in the year ahead

While looking for my 2011/2012 goals post, I realized I didn’t actually write one: I was too stressed out about losing my job before NYE, and dealing with the aftermath of my cookie adventure in the days that followed. As a result, I completely forgot about my “what I did/what I want to do” post, which is probably for the best: it would have turned into a huge freakout about not having a job and my only goal would have been to fix that immediately. In April, I did just that – did it most spectacularly, actually – and the rest of the year was a great deal of fun, including my much-desired trip to London 2.0. Now that 2012 will draw to an official close in just under 9 hours as of this writing, what do I hope to accomplish in 2013?

• MORE. ADVENTURE. (you thought that was going to say “more boners”, didn’t you? well, I do hate to disappoint:)
• MORE. BONERS.
• Continue to kick ass at my job. I don’t write about work very often because I’m (still, 7 months in) trying not to jinx things: I really, really, really love my job. The work is fulfilling, my co-workers are amazing, I am continually challenged with interesting things, and I look forward to going into the office each day. I can’t believe that I lucked out in getting this job, and I want to do my damnest to make sure I’m a vital part of the team.
• So, with above in mind: get promoted. I recently realized that I’ve never actually been promoted in a job – I’ve received raises and new titles and so many more duties, but never an official “you were level 8 and now you are level 9 – gratz!” sort of thing. My current title is “Technical Writer”, so my goal is to be a “Senior Technical Writer”. I have no idea what that entails or what kind of arduous quests I will need to complete, but I would like to do it. In 2013. GO!
• It would be pretty lofty of me to wish for time in London for a third year in a row (but oh how much do I want to be back in London – SO MUCH), so I will aim for something a little more this-continenty in 2013: it’s been way too long since I’ve been to Portland. Also, I would really like to do New York again for realz (without the crazy casting schedule and death in the family this time).
• Seriously, more adventure. That means getting out of the house more; leaving my comfort zones. I want to see and do new things, meet and do new people, have excellent times that result in epic blog posts (or better yet, the dreaded bullet point cop-out because too much went on to paragraph it all up). Fun: I want to have it.
• More scooting. The arrival of the Minibator meant I didn’t do nearly as much scooting this year as I have in years past, so 2013 will be a good time to fix that.
• Um .. eat more veggies, I guess.
• Be happy!

.. they aren’t the noblest of goals, but they’re what I need right now.

2012, you started out shaky (literally), but redeemed yourself quite nicely. I can’t wait to see what 2013 has in store!

Happy New Year, y’all! Be safe tonight!

Mom on an unwed relative: “She never married, you know. She’s the Virgin Mary!”

Mom (who is secretly Swedish) knows about Ikea’s plan to take over the world: “Where’s the pharmacy and medical clinic in the new Ikea? I want to buy sweater.”

Mom tires of wearing head-to-toe leather: “Can I borrow Ed pants? I forgot my jeans so I will wear his.” Incidentally, mom is better hipster than you: she wears a long-sleeved shirt under a short-sleeved shirt under a tank top (and then a vest, and then a floor-length leather jacket). My mother is the matrix.

Mom is down with technology: “You stay here and fax Ed; I need to get my tickets.”

Then again: “Call?” “yes press call.” “Call? Do I press call?” “YES MOM, PRESS CALL” “This call here?” “YES MOM” “Call?” “YES” “Why you getting crabby?”

Mom hits the sauce: “Wine with green label is best. Always buy green label wine, it always good.”

Mom worries about my gangland friends: “Keem there’s nothing wrong with leaving a party if it gets too rowdy, just go home if your friends start fight.”

Mom confuses Ed a great deal: “There sure are a lot of bums!” “Where?” “On the road.” “oh.” “You think that’s the underwire?” ” .. I don’t know”

Mom remembers the 70s: “Is that one of those new LSD candles?”

Mom knows that one guy with the disease: “OH I forgot to leave the bag out for the Canadian diabetic!”

Mom steals a banana: “I told them I have diabetic so I need to eat this banana right now even though we tell kids not to eat the banana.” Incidentally, my mother doesn’t have diabetic, or even diabetes. Her doctor once told her she might develop it at some point (and to her credit, she’s no longer in danger of diabetic) so she took that as “HAVE DIABETIC” and now lives her life as someone who has some weird-ass disease that means she can only drink hot water and eat enormous slabs of chocolate.

We took her to the ferry terminal this morning, and she’s home now. It was a good visit, and I only lost my shit once (as seen above when she tried to make a phone call on my iPhone and failed miserably). Her visits are rough on me because she doesn’t like to DO anything – she “can’t be bothered” to see or learn or experience or do, so we end up doing nothing. She’s difficult to have conversations with, because she doesn’t actually listen to me – I could pour my heart out about everything, and she’d come back with a bizarre non sequitur about the guy across the street that doesn’t smile and that she told off (in her mind). It’s .. hard. I wish I had a mom I could have meaningful discussions with, but I don’t. I have this. And I do the best I can.

Mom doesn’t trust the law or her brother: “Look out for uncle’s dick!”

Mom needs to urinate: “Mummy has to go pee pee!” *leaves the door open* *pees*

Mom is worried about Tom Cruise: “He’s into a very serious religion. It’s very sad, they’re all rich but can’t find true love so what’s the point money doesn’t make you happy.” *buys $50 in lottery tickets* “I sure hope I hit the big one!”

Mom knows something we don’t: “Those busturds, they’ll kill you with no mercy. Just you wait and see.”

Mom is just like us: “I like that Trader’s Joe. So many stuff!”

Mom needs .. something: “Keem, what is that thing I bought?”

Mom channels Wilford Brimley: “Ever since I got diabetics I can only drink hot water.”

Mom wants either rice, vinegar, or an inhaler: “I want basmatic yogurt!”

Day One is complete.

Staring at a naked raw bird is an inopportune time to realize you’ve never roasted a whole turkey before.

I had to REMOVE THINGS. From INSIDE. Where it was wet and slimy and UTTERLY HORRIBLE.

I am completely traumatized by the necessity to manhandle turkey innards, and I don’t think my hands will ever be clean. Next time someone offers me a free turkey, I’m going to say “no thank you” and run away as fast as I can instead of thinking “ooh, free meat!” and planning to cook Boxing Day Dinner for assorted people. It may mean skipping the once-yearly chance for my mother to be proud of me, but if that’s the price I pay to never again have to touch raw guts, it is a small sacrifice to make.

THE HORROR.

Also, my mother is here. Last time I lost her in Ikea; this time I’m planning on taking her to America. This is going to be AWESOME by which I mean oh god help me.

Anyone who wants to watch me LOSE MY FUCKING SHIT should be at the Metrotown Apple Store in approximately one hour.

My fucking iMac’s display is flickering and going completely black within seconds of turning the machine on. Machine works – I was able to switch all functions to my second monitor before shit died – but I basically now have a very large Mac Mini the size of a 21.5″ iMac.

I am so fucking mad I could punch everything.

FUCK.

“Do you need a hand out with that?”

“Nope! *I* have a *skateboard*!”

He raised an eyebrow, clearly not understanding my genius. No matter – I would have the last laugh; gliding my heavy computer through the busy mall with relative ease and aplomb. I was at the Apple store in Metrotown to finally pick up my iMac; the “3-5 days, tops” estimate having received its 3-week chip earlier in the night. It took far longer than it should have as the guy in charge of releasing my equipment into the wild screwed the process up half a dozen times (as well as trying to charge me for the repair caused by their own fuckup), but I was finally free to leave and put my master plan into place:

who’s laughing now? me. i’m laughing now.

Ed usually carries my computer to and from the Apple Store for me, but he was at a work function so I was on my own. I know from my previous 5 visits that the iMac is not a light machine and that Apple stores are always in the middle of malls nowhere near an entrance, so I borrowed Ed’s skateboard (the one he rides, not the one he got from Tony Hawk) and carried it around with me as I ran errands and bought all the presents. I half expected to be hassled by The Man (skate or die dude), but people were more confused than anything else (which is exactly how I like people to be in my presence).

As soon as my iMac was brought around the corner, the guy realized what I was up to and celebrated my awesomeness. A variety of Apple employees voiced their approval, and I made my way back to the Minibator in style. It was slightly complicated because I had to keep adjusting my trajectory, but I made it to the car in record time with all my stuff in one piece and no super tired arms for my efforts.

I haven’t yet set up my machine – I’m fucking exhausted from a bad sleep, no dinner and a long day at work – but they did replace both the Bluetooth chip and the antenna, so I have hope that this’ll be the last time I have to haul my computer around (whether by Ed-mule or skateboard).

I am terribly pleased at my cleverness.

So, the world is going to end on Friday. I’m not quite ready for that yet – there’s a big list of things I’d like to do before my time is up; things I haven’t yet done with my life. I figure if I go non-stop between now and the (other) big bang, I just might be able to get all done. I mean, technically I don’t really believe the world is going to end – the entire idea hinges on the Mayan calendar guy getting bored and refusing to calculate dates 5000+ years into the future especially when he wasn’t getting paid overtime – but, you know, just in case. I like to cover all my bases.

So, without further ado, I present to you the List of Things I’d Like to Do Before I Transform and Roll Out My Domain Expires the Viagra Wears Off the End of the World:

• DONGS. It’s happening with or without you, Ed.
• Drink a whole beer (also, find a beer I can drink without making Beer Face)
• Be in charge of things officially, instead of just taking over for my own sanity
• Publish something
• Do an actual Walk of Shame
• Spend more time in Europe
• Visit Japan
• Do something that will warrant a Wikipedia entry about me
• Get my iMac back from the Apple Store in Metrotown
• Solve the mystery of my father’s death
• Change someone’s life for the better
• Convince Ed to install Heather’s ceiling fan
• Get over my assorted self-image issues
• Live a life that makes people say “Damn, Kimli was an awesome person and I am glad I knew her”
• Seriously, dongs.

I’ve got five days. LET’S DO THIS!

Also, if all this planning is for naught and the world doesn’t end on Friday, this list shall automatically revert to whatever better term there may be for “Bucket List”, as I don’t like that name one bit.