I woke up this morning (without a hangover – thanks, Asian Super Genes) to an email from my former employer, asking for my help with a locked file they want to make changes to. The email is from someone I do not know; it’s the new HR manager they brought in after decimating the ranks. He was given my name by my former boss.

How I’d like to respond:

• “lol”
• “I’d be happy to help; my rates start at $125/h with a 3-hour minimum”
• “gee, when I worked there and I couldn’t get into a locked file, I’d simply recreate it. Can’t anyone there now do that? If not, I’d be happy to help – my rates start at $125/h”
• “I know of what you seek, but I dare not divulge the information. You must climb high into the mountains beyond Mistshire and locate the Lair of the Ancients. If you are able to survive their arduous tests, they will tell you how to find Grim Sal’dornos – he is the only one who can tell you how to unlock the secrets of the Quarterly_Performance_Evaluation.doc”

How I will respond, because as much as I sometimes wish otherwise I do not go out of my way to be an asshole:

• “Try the following: <possible passwords>”

I’m a pussy, but I’m not a jerk.