an adventure in numbers

Number of:

  • Modes of transportation used: 11
  • Butterflies in our stateroom: 2
  • Meals eaten next to small Chinese girls who spent the entire time removing every trace of condensation from her water glass when she wasn’t throwing elbows at me: 1
  • Punk rock cabbies: 2
  • Convenient outlets near the bed in either sleeping area: zero, goddamnit
  • Dick specials: 4
  • Non-entrendre dick specials: 1
  • Minutes on board before I realized I could drink: 3
  • Straight tequila mini-ships downed: 2
  • Confusing desserts: 1
  • Bryan Adams-singing stewards: 1
  • Small Asian boys breakdancing to Sweet Home Alabama: 1
  • How much I sucked at casino: lots
  • Delicious flan I could have eaten: 74
  • Ruing done when Ed found the bacon sandwiches and I didn’t: 3
  • Trips back for bacon sandwiches: 2
  • Minutes spent naked on our private verandah: 20
  • Illegal acts performed: 3
  • Engagement rings purchased: 1
  • Temperature in degrees of the hotel bathroom in Seattle: 123
  • Times I changed clothes on the ship: 6
  • Pounds gained: 0
  • Pounds that would have been gained if the cruise had been any longer than a day: 20
  • Hours of sleep on the boat: 6
  • Mysterious wake-up calls at 3:30am: 2
  • 3am arguments: 1
  • Pictures uploaded: 88
  • Fun had: 169
  • Minutes it took me to start planning our next mini-cruise, hopefully this time with friends: 6
  • Hours slept as soon as we got home: 5

Words that aren’t in bullet points coming soon, but the whole trip was SO AWESOME! We’ll absolutely be doing it again, and you fuckers need to come with us. HOORAY FOR ADVENTURE!

me and ed and anthony and stephanie

forks you, man

WORDS! FOR YOU!

We left Vancouver on Saturday morning, a little later than we intended – neither of us felt like getting out of bed when the alarm went off, so snooze was hit repeatedly until my bladder could not be silenced any further. We were out of the house by 9, and at the border by 10 along with the rest of the Lower Mainland. An hour or so later, we managed to get through the crossing and into the US (after only a mild scolding from the guard because Ed kept putting his sunglasses back on so he could see). I insisted on a stop at Trader Joe’s for snacks; something that would come in extremely handy during our long drive.

The start of the 101 is awesome; it rivaled the lower Oregon Coast. Chuckanut Drive is hugely popular, and it’s very easy to see why – the scenery is unbelievable. Our new goal is to scoot/ride the Chuckanut because in addition to being fun to say, it is all of the awesome and would be SO FUN on two wheels. After landing in Burlington, we headed west towards Anacortes – we had a ferry to catch!

I’d like to claim I totally did this on purpose so we wouldn’t have to worry about keeping a schedule, but the truth is I just forgot to check the ferry times. As luck would have it, we arrived at the Keystone terminal 2 minutes before they started loading the 1:30 sailing. Unfortunately, without a reservation, we were at the mercy of the cars ahead of us. If we didn’t make the boat, we’d have to wait until the 3pm sailing – no great hardship because we didn’t have anywhere we needed to be and it was gorgeous outside, but it would definitely stop the momentum we had so far.

The cars started loading onto the ferry. As they got down to the last 5 cars, the boarding slowed as they shuffled people to and fro on the tiny, 1-deck boat. The second to last car in lane 5 went, and they stopped. There were three cars left – a giant Hummer in lane 5, the Mazdabator, and a minivan behind us. We all waited with baited breath as word squawked over the radio – there was room for one more. BUT WAIT! The Hummer was too big, so they’d have to skip it and take the next car .. which was US! We were the very last car allowed on the ferry by virtue of being smaller than a Hummer! We giggled our way up the ramp and onto the boat, feeling so very smug about it all. Take that, giant car! Enjoy the 3pm sailing!

Half an hour later, we landed in Port Townsend and continued our trip. We took the US20 south to the 101 towards Port Angeles. The ride was good, but a little boring – this part of the 101 is quiet inland, so there wasn’t much to look at. Besides, I had ulterior motives – we had to get to FORKS.

We pulled into Forks just before 4pm and found a spot to park. Forks is little more than one main street with a few residential offshoots, and most of the Twilight action is on the main drag. If you check the Forks website, there are various places you can go – “Bella’s house” (a random house they decided was close enough to that described in the book), “the Cullen house” (same thing), and .. the hospital, and stuff. Yes, these things are in the book – much like someone mentioned a tree or a bench or a particularly puffy cloud – but they’re not the ACTUAL THING, as SMeyer pulled it all out of her ass while writing. I feel really, really bad for the people who live in those houses, because even though the website says “please be respectful of the people who live there”, if you’re rabid enough to go to Forks to look around, what’s one further act of fandom to peek in a window or take a piece of souvenir siding?

Ed needed to take a nap to recharge his batteries, so I was on my own for Forking it. I took pictures of as many embarrassing outside things as I could, then ventured into the first of the two Dazzled by Twilight stores – there were two, on the same street, three doors apart and next to the Twilight Lounge. The store was small and filed with many, many things – but was NOTHING compared to the Twilight Alpha Base.

The store was huge and crowded with both merchandise and people. As awkward as everything was, I have to give both stores props – they let me take pictures of anything I wanted (and offered to take pictures OF me, to which I couldn’t say “no thank you” quickly or vehemently enough). I was so very Canadian here; I didn’t want to just ASSUME it was okay to take pictures in the store – a lot of places don’t allow it – but thankfully they were totally cool with it. So, I took pictures. A lot of pictures. I tried to take a shot of every single ridiculous product I could find because some were clearly worse than others. I was shocked at the variety of things they slapped a Twilight logo on just to sell random crap, but it’s clearly working – just as I’ll buy pretty much anything if it has Katamari or a scooter on it, people will buy Twilight stuff. Among my quote unquote favorites:

get it?

you really need to read these - click for big

help stop the needless slaughter .. give us money so a fictional character can eat

on the window of the candy shop

every business in forks sells twilight stuff. here you can send packages, get keyless remotes programmed, and buy twilight souvenirs!

my heart belongs to my husband but my neck belongs to edward cullen

Seriously, just look at the rest of the set. There are some gems in there.

After I left the store, I wandered down the rest of Main Street before heading back to the car to wake Ed up. It was too early to stop for the night (and the hotel with the Twilight rooms had no vacancy), so we hit the road again and ended up in Aberdeen for the night. Aberdeen was cool, but I think my favourite was Astoria – there was a fucking Goonies festival going on! I wish we had more time there, but Sunday’s weather was pretty terrible and we both just wanted to get to Portland to relax.

As so we did! We arrived at our hotel last night around 7:30, in the middle of a crazy rain storm. It is very fancy here – there are guys in suits and gloves who insist upon doing things for me, and I keep having to give them money. The location is fantastic though; we’ve been able to walk everywhere and enjoy delicious things. Portland’s food carts are fucking awesome, and I can’t WAIT until we get them in Vancouver (assuming they will be as delicious and plentiful and varied as they are here). Last night we turned to Yelp to help us find somewhere to go, and we ended up at a very ritzy place that we normally wouldn’t be able to afford – except it was Happy Hour, and the menu was insane, with absolutely fantastic food under five frickin’ dollars. Our bill came to $25, and $13 of that were the drinks we had. Ed definitely won the evening with that find, but I’ll get him next time Gadget.

Today was fun. We drove around to the places we (I) wanted to go that weren’t in walking distance, then wandered downtown Portland for a few hours. We went to Powell’s, and once again I want to just live in the basement because it is so fucking awesome in there. We found an Apple store, and it was decided that I will NOT be getting an iPad – I want one, but I don’t WANT one so clearly it can (and should) wait. Tomorrow we’re going to the video arcade, and Stumptown/Voodoo Donuts, and to check out the Rose Festival going on at the waterfront. It should be another fun, full day!

road trip 2010! um, half of it. we have to go home sometime.

forks welcomes you

vampires (do not) live here

I’m trying to find time to write about the trip, but I’m either out experiencing it or I’m exhausted. I promise there will be a full write up of our adventures, including the much-anticipated trip to Forks – but right now, I have Portland to explore. The picture above leads to the Flickr set for this trip; click on it and check out the pictures. I did have time to add commentary to most of the images, so there’s that. Have fun. Try not to wince yourself into a headache.

Portland ho!

smells like teen spirit

Good morning from Aberdeen Washington, the Birthplace of Grunge. Ed and I landed here last night around 8pm, and found a nice little hotel – Aberdeen’s Finest, according to the neon sign – offering free wi-fi and decided to stop for the night. It was a good decision – we were both tired and hungry, and Aberdeen is big enough to have three 7-11s so clearly it is a sprawling metropolis with many options.

After checking in and asking the clerk where to eat, we found ourselves at Billy’s. Billy was a local legend around these parts, and Aberdeen itself is chockfull of seedy history:

By 1900, Aberdeen was considered one of the grittiest towns on the West Coast, with many saloons, whorehouses, and gambling establishments populating the area. Aberdeen was nicknamed “The Hellhole of the Pacific”, or “The Port of Missing Men”, because of its high murder rate. One notable resident was Billy Gohl, known locally as Billy “Ghoul”, who was rumored to have killed at least 140 men (Gohl was convicted of 2 murders).

Hell. Yes. I didn’t know any of this before we stopped here, but if I had, I would have made a point of it. At Billy’s restaurant, Ed had a yak burger and a pint of Dick’s and I enjoyed a delicious but less hilarious-sounding meal. We came back to the hotel room, set up our various internet devices, and pretty much passed out for sleeping times. I had truly wanted to write an epic update – I have SO MANY PICTURES – but that’ll have to wait until later.

I know some people (okay, just Shan) will be disappointed that we didn’t spend the night in Forks, but I have other, non-creepy things I want to do before we get to Portland so it was good that we kept going. We did stop in Forks for at least an hour, and I explored the main drag with my camera. I want to properly name and describe the photos that I have but I was way too tired to do so last night and we’re about to hit the road again, but I will try to get to it tonight. I have words. Words about Forks. I will leave you with this, though: Even though I am not into Twilight at all and think the entire thing is ridiculous, I found myself a little melancholy after leaving the town because they do such an epic job of ruining the fantasy.

Here is a picture. There will be so very many more.

at least it's spelled right, i guess

it has to be done

Ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to Forks.

Yes, THAT Forks.

I’ve never had any reason to care about this sort of thing, and it’s not at all intentional – but when I was plotting our travel route for our upcoming vacation, Josh pointed out that US101 goes right through the town where Twilight takes place, and a stop there would likely give me some epic blog fodder chockfull of hilarity. And he’s right. A stop in Forks is bound to be hysterical and tinged with pity, so I am going to make the best of it. For some reason I gave us two full days to get from our place to Portland, so we’re going to have a lot of time to stop at random places – and I can’t think of anything more random than this.

Still, it’s going to be awkward. I have a very low tolerance for things that make me wince with uncomfortable embarrassment, and the research I’ve done has unearthed some of the most cringe-worthy stuff I’ve ever seen. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to look at any of it with a straight face and/or without carrying a large sign that says “I’M HERE FOR THE SAKE OF IRONY ONLY”, lest anyone think I’m actually a Twi-hard who dragged her hapless husband – conveniently named Edward – along for the ride. It’s both sad yet financially wise of Forks to play on the rabid fanbase – seriously, when your town’s website has an entire section dedicated to a terrible series of books, what can you do? Ignore it and miss out on a slice of the pie provided by crazed fans who will throw money at ANYTHING remotely associated with their obsession du jour, or suck it up and play along?

Forks aside, I’m starting to get excited about our vacation. Since I’ve given us 48 hours to get to a place only 13 hours away, we should have plenty of time for Adventure. It’s been a long time since I’ve been to Port Angeles – has it changed? Are they sweaty with Twilight fever? Is that McDonald’s still there? I want to go to Long Beach in Washington, and see Marsh’s Free Museum. There’s an alligator! And salt water taffy! Driving down the 101 was a highlight of our drive to San Francisco last year; how does the upper portion of the highway compare? The weather should be changing just in time for our trip, which is good – I have a lot of Portland wandering to do. My camera(s) are charged and ready; Domo is nestled in with a thousand power adapters, and I’ve cleared a block of 12 hours to spend in Powell’s: bring on the vacation!

As a special treat, I will bring back some of the cheesiest, saddest Twilight Forks souvenirs I can find and give them away on my blog. To enter the contest, leave a comment on this very post – when I return I’ll draw a few names and send you a little piece of Twilight, right from the town that started it all (even though SMeyer had never been there).

Spread the love, I say. If I have to wade through this crap, you’re all coming with me.

roll the bones

My life does not have enough random excitement in it. I mean, yes, I get to go to the opera and examine blood splatter and party with famous people and have creative stalkers and am given awesome things because I am just so adorable – but I need more. More adventure, more excitement, more craziness. I want it all. I want to be the girl with the most cake. I want to fuck you like an animal. I want to rock and roll all night and party every day.

So, with this in mind, I decided to take advantage of Travelocity’s new Top Secret program. It works the same as Hotwire or Priceline – you give the date and city, and it’ll spit out heavily discounted hotel rates. The only catch: you don’t get to find out where you’re staying until you’ve booked the reservation. I’m feeling adventurous this afternoon, so I went ahead and booked Ed and I into a random hotel in Portland for our road trip in early June. The mystery locations made available to me were three 4-star hotels with prices ranging from $85CDN to $105CDN per night, so I went with the one with the most attractive amenities: non-smoking and free wireless.

Looks like we’ll be staying at the Governor Hotel in downtown Portland for our trip. Hooray! I actually know exactly where this is; I took a picture of it the last time we were in Portland. It’s right on a streetcar line, and while I’m sure there’s going to be a ridiculous valet charge per night, it still comes below what we wanted to spend on a hotel for our trip. Ed’s first instinct was to whine about the valet, which I am ignoring – it’s his fault we’re not going in May when the rates are cheaper to begin with, so let me have my goddamn valet parking or so help me god you’ll never get another blowjob again.

Adventure!

pretend this diet coke is guinness

My lineage beyond my gonorrhea-riddled grandfather is a little murky, but I vaguely recall my dad telling me he was basically a Western Europe Mutt with heavy emphasis on the British Isles. As I am very likely at least 1/16th Irish – maybe even 1/8th – I feel entitled to temporarily adopt some stereotypical Irish mannerisms for the day and celebrate St. Patrick’s Day with the best of them. “Kiss Me, I’m Partially Irish” may never catch on, but I will hoist an imaginary green beer and dance a lively jig in honour of the patron saint of a country I may or may not have any legitimate ties to. Erin Go Bragh!

If you did not attend one of last night’s two workshops on Forensic Pathology at the Vancouver Police Museum, I know you are kicking yourself in the shins and cursing wildly under your breath. You missed an excellent evening – creepy, educational, and deliciously lurid. Chris Mathieson, the Museum’s Executive Director, delivered an engaging walkthrough of a typical autopsy (15,000 of which were performed in that very morgue between 1932 and 1980). It’s not too late to take part in some of the fun – next Tuesday’s workshop is on Blood Splatter, and the following week is Ballistics. Get your tickets online and come out to support one of Vancouver’s best kept secrets!

This week is suddenly crazy with busy! Tonight is the only downtime I have all week, and it will be spent madly (but discretely) packaging Smuttons for Friday’s Mini-Craft at the MOV. Tomorrow will be drastically different from last night’s crime and autopsies – it’s Fan Night at the Opera, and I’ll be attending to see the Vancouver Opera’s production of Nixon in China. I wasn’t able to make the dress rehearsal because of mom’s surgery, but the awesome Ling invited me to tomorrow night’s performance complete with, according to the VO’s blog, cute stage directors, cake, and swag. This will be my first “modern” opera, and the first I’ve seen in English – I can’t wait!

And now I’m off. My boss just handed me an enormous pile of work that I have to somehow complete in between all the fun that I’m setting up. I really need an assistant to manage my bursting social calendar – maybe I could get an intern. Interns don’t wear pants, right?

here, let me help you with that bra

who wants a cocktail?

soggy

Tofino was awesome. The weather was both horrific and spectacular – torrential downpours and glorious sunshine, sometimes both at once. We arrived just after 8pm on Friday night after a harrowing drive from Nanaimo, and immediately settled in for a weekend of fun.

We were there for less than 48 hours, but we crammed a lot of experiencing into those two days. Extended romps at Long Beach – fireworks – a great deal of lounging – side trips to Ucluelet, Cathedral Grove and Coombs – and all the food in the world. We didn’t have time to stick around for Sunday’s boat ride, but next time we will make it a priority.

My near-death (in my mind; it probably wasn’t as serious as that) didn’t stop me from going back to the beach, although I made sure to stay away from the shore. When we were out on Saturday afternoon, I was standing a goodly distance away from the water, taking pictures. All of a sudden, a rogue wave came crashing up the beach towards us – we all ran, but I was quickly overtaken by the water and found myself flailing crotch-deep in the pounding surf. I walked as fast as I could towards the others, but I could feel the water pulling at me and I almost lost my balance. I panicked and shouted for Ed just before the water ebbed around me and I was able to extract myself from the tide – but it was scary as fuck, and I was shaken for quite some time afterward (as well as soaked through every layer and squelching with every step).

I still need to sort through most of my pictures, but I managed to upload a few favourites this morning:

pumpkins in macmillan park

i like moss

sunset at the cabin

surfin'

the hazardous misadventures of perilous kimli

Getting swept out to sea: I don’t like it.

We’re in Tofino. The four of us arrived last night, meeting up with the other four already at the cabin. It is awesome here, even when faced with near death via epic tides.

I’m posting from my phone in a sketchy-coverage area, so this will be short – in fact, it’s just long enough to say that I did survive the tidal wave and my boots were not waterproof and I may have to go home tomorrow pantless.

Which, of course, is just fine by me.

portland is for good times

Ed and I have been together for 12 years; married for seven. After all that time, he knows that when I get cabin fever for some excitement – something that happens if I go more than one weekend without Adventure – it would behoove both of us to do Something Fun, and damn quickly before I literally have a tantrum. To this end, we (okay, I, but he wisely went along with it) decided to spend our anniversary weekend having an Adventure: we drove down to Portland, Oregon.

We stayed at the Inn @ Northrup Station, which is apparently in a super trendy neighbourhood. The hotel was super perfect – right on the street car line, close to a million things, quiet, funky, awesome. I would absolutely recommend that you stay there if you get a chance. There were giant jars of saltwater taffy everywhere!

mmm taffy

mmm taffy

Our trip was great. We arrived on Friday afternoon, and checked into our hotel just before 5pm. We chilled out for a bit, then went out to do a little shopping – relaxing trip or not, I was in a tax-free state and I had Grand Plans. I bought some Doc Marten boots and some sassy clothes, then we headed back to the hotel for some Adult Swim and sleep.

shiny!

shiny!

It rained all Saturday morning, so we hung out and waited for the rain to go away. It lifted at noon, so we hopped the streetcar and wandered around Portland. We did a ton of awesome stuff on Saturday – lunch at a haunted pizza parlor, video games, Powell’s, Voodoo Donuts, Stumptown Coffee, the Saturday Market – our feet hurt. We sat to rest our feet at the waterfront, and were simultaneously hit with a bizarre sense of déjà vu – we’d been here before. It wasn’t our first trip to Portland, but we’d never been down to the waterfront before – so why did we recognize our surroundings?

Ed had a memory of doing jumps through the park and I remembered parking my car in the hideout to save the game, and we figured it out – Grand Theft Auto 3. The part of town we were in was accurately represented in Liberty City to the point where we recognized where we were based on a game neither of us had touched in 6 years. Hah!

up up down down left right left right b a start

up up down down left right left right b a start

That evening we had dinner at Casa del Matador around the corner from the hotel. The food was awesome – I had a pomegranate margarita – but it was admittedly a little hard to enjoy because of the drunken, aging party girl sitting next to us. She and her party were there when we arrived and still drinking when we left, and each time she would sober up a little it got quieter – then someone would order shots, and her volume and obnoxiousness would go through the roof again. There’s nothing sadder than an aging bar star, and she made me really glad I’ve never been into that scene.

okay!

okay!

We awoke fairly early on Sunday and got ready to check out. I was sad, because I’d love to spend some quality time in Portland (with my scooter) – but we’ll be back. Not knowing what to do but knowing I should stay out of Powell’s Books for the sake of my ability to pay rent this month, we decided to take the streetcar for the entire route and see the city that way. It was a nice ride until the hobo got on – he was smelly – and we got to see a lot of the city and the university. After the streetcar trip, we got back into the Mazdabator and hit the road after a couple of stops at Trader Joe’s for trail mix and Target for all the socks in the world.

Our ride home was uneventful save for two incidents. We stopped for lunch in the fake Vancouver, and went to Burgerville because it is crazy delicious. After we ate lunch I treated myself to a blackberry sundae, because their ice cream is amazing. The overly attentive lobby boy made the sundae for me, but there was an .. incident.

if i had a houseboat i could live here

if i had a houseboat i could live here

When applying the whipped cream to the sundae, the nozzle malfunctioned. Apparently when this happens, it is not advisable to apply more pressure to it in the hopes that something comes out – because when something DOES come out, it’ll explode with great force and spray cream everywhere.

And I mean everywhere.

I received a face full of cream from a strange man. I was too surprised to do much more than laugh, but I was covered in it – the whipped cream shot out with amazing force and covered the wall, the cooler, the ceiling, the guy, and me. All the employees rushed to my aid because I was laughing too hard to do anything for myself – I had a gaggle of people surrounding me trying to get whipped cream out of my hair and off my clothes. It was hilarious and sticky, and you could see everyone struggling mightily to keep the innuendos under check. The sundae guy was relieved that I found it so funny, and he thanked me multiple times for being such a good sport – what else would I have done; it was clearly an accident and also it was hysterical. I am pretty sure these things only happen to me – I am a magnet for creamy surprises.

cute yet spooky.

cute yet spooky.

The drive to the border was boring, but when we got to the truck crossing there were a million cars trying to get into Canada. I convinced Ed it was a good idea to go to the Duty Free store, where I stocked up on clearance Clinique and bought myself some expensive perfume as a reward for bypassing over an hour of traffic. We crossed the border without incident, and made it home by 8:30 last night.

Today is our actual anniversary, and we have the day off. We’re going to buy ourselves a Playstation 3 with the contents of the Puggy Bank (Katamari Forever comes out tomorrow !!), be shot by Miranda and Reilly, and maybe go out for dinner later. All good things that require me to wear pants, so I should really get going already.

Happy anniversary, Ed! You are a Good Egg.

nah nah nah nahnahnahnah katamari damacy

nah nah nah nahnahnahnah katamari damacy

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