keep it wholesome

A Petition to Nintendo:

The Animal Crossing franchise and series, created and produced by Nintendo Entertainment (hereafter referred to as Nintendo), is marketed as family-friendly and child-safe. We believe that the new installment of this series for the new Nintendo 3DS handheld console, hereafter referred to as “Animal Crossing 3DS”, should maintain this tradition.

In particular, we believe that romance and dating have no place in this game. The purpose of this petition is to voice our concerns as loyal customers, good parents, and/or concerned consumers that Animal Crossing 3DS should stick to its family-friendly roots. We implore Nintendo to remove the ability for the player’s in-game character to date and romance fellow villagers, who take the form of walking, talking animals. This can be construed as a sign of support for bestiality, and while we are not making the claim that this is Nintendo’s purpose, we certainly do not wish to see anything even remotely related to this sentiment present in the final product.

In one conference demonstration, the player was shown kissing a porcupine. This is not only completely unacceptable for its context, it also could have more immediate health concerns should any young and impressionable players attempt to emulate what they see.

In short, this is a game marketed toward family audiences and young children, and we find the introduction of romance, dating, and anything of its kind to be wholly inappropriate content given this consideration. Doubly so, because of the animal-like nature of the possible targets of that romance. We ask that Nintendo remove this content for the North American release of Animal Crossing 3DS.

Sincerely,

The Undersigned

Oh. My. God.

I .. I don’t have any other words.

So I’m going to go make out with a porcupine.

Posted in Nerd-Fu. 1 Comment »

nerdgasm

I spent a very long time answering repetitive Nintendo game surveys last month, all to bring my Club Nintendo status up to “Elite”. This is the second year Club Nintendo has been around in North America, and as I qualified for Elite Status last year, I knew it’d be worth my time. Thing is, I didn’t even have to think about my points last year – I had purchased SO MANY DS games in 2008 that when it came time for the points to count (it’s not how many points you have but how many you rack up during a year – important, because I redeem my points for free shit all the time) I was so far past the required amount for Elite Status I was given a princess to stuff into any castle I pleased.

This year, it was much more difficult – Nintendo’s banner year wasa 2008, and my game buying has dropped off to a sad, almost non-existent level. The announcement came out in late May saying we had until June 30th to get enough points to qualify for Elite. I had SOME points, but I was still a long way off; over 500 short if I remember correctly. I wasn’t about to go out and buy games I had no interest in just to collect the Club Nintendo points, but I had to find a way – last year’s Platinum Elite reward was a goddamn Mario Hat which was the basis of my entire October. I knew the reward would be something good, so I had a lot of work to do.

I did over 50 post-game surveys at 10 points each to bring my total up. With aching fingers, I slogged my way to Platinum Elite status – Gold Elite is for the weak – and waited for Nintendo to tell me what would be coming my way. The email arrived this morning:

Gold Elite Status Reward: a 2011 calendar featuring your favourite Nintendo characters!

well that is pretty neat!

Platinum Elite Status Reward: A motherfucking NINTENDO STATUE:

holy crap awesome awesome awesome

Sweet jebus, now I have something worthy of being an HEIRLOOM to pass down to my grandkids! I knew the reward would likely be cool and appeal to the Rare Game Swag Whore in me, but this is kind of INCREDIBLY AWESOME. YAY! CLUB NINTENDO IS THE BEST!

This will be especially sweet; knowing that I didn’t go completely broke buying a thousand games to get the points necessary – I EARNED it. For reals! My mom would be so proud.

nerd street cred

I like badges and I like collecting things things, so it’s only natural that I am in Mad Nerd Love with Nerd Merit Badges:

click the picture for a description of each badge, and be jealous that you are not as cool as me

You may remember my posting about Nerd Merit Badges before, when we Did Some Science together (with sexy results). While my insatiable lust for awesome things has lead me to find additional badges in secret places online, NMB will always be my first love (not in the least because I’m their favourite):

i am certified awesome

I wonder if I could find a Brownie uniform in my size – I have an awesome idea for a porno.

Posted in Nerd-Fu. 1 Comment »

i have ridden the mighty moon worm

.. or done something else equally impressive: I removed the Stocks, YouTube, and Notes default iPhone apps from my phone.

I still don’t know if I actually broke something or if Bad Things are going to happen to my phone soon, but I’ve been through my installed app list a dozen times and nope – those icons aren’t there. People have been asking me all night on Twitter how I did it, so I thought I’d share even if I don’t think the “fix” is going to appeal to everyone.

Basically, I’m an app whore – there are 288 apps on my computer and 180 installed on my phone (this includes the native apps like Settings, Mail, Safari, etc). I’m also extremely anal retentive – I keep everything organized using special Kimli Logic, which I don’t recommend you try at home. In addition to the 4 applications on the toolbar (my phone isn’t jailbroken), I have 11 full pages of things; the maximum you can have in side-scrolling content goodness. You can certainly install more than 11 pages worth of stuff, but the items past page 11 will only be accessible via the Search function on page 0 of your phone (1 screen to the left of your home page).

Prior to my amazing and totally intentional discovery, I had to settle for moving my unwanted icons to the last page and never looking at them. I installed a dozen new things over last night and today, and was shuffling things around when I thought “hey, why can’t I move these stupid things to page 12 and have them vanish?!” .. so I did.

Here’s the catch, though – if you have less than 11 FULL pages of icons, iTunes will simply move the native app icons to any available hole on a page. So, the solution is to obviously install EVERY SINGLE APP and force that Stocks icon right into oblivion (I told you this wouldn’t appeal to everyone). Easy as pie, right?

This fix didn’t work for everything. For some reason, iTunes insisted that Voice Memo live on page 1 no matter what until I allowed it to live on page 11, not 12. I finally wrestled it into submission by removing everything except the three unwanted items onto the invisible page, at which point it dropped off my iTunes like an umbilical cord – I can’t actually SEE page 12 on my device profile page anymore. I’m scared to try and add another app to force page 12 to reappear, because I kind of enjoy not having the stupid YouTube icon mocking me with it’s party-killing buzz.

Another weird? If I go to page 0 and search for “Stocks”, it appears in the list. Again, I’m too scared to try and open the tool – what if it makes them all come back? No, I’d rather live like an ostrich. I don’t want those things back on my phone. If I can’t see them, they aren’t there.

I found a couple more awesome things to share, but since they’re games, I’ll write about them over on Gamers with Casts soon (ie: after my birthday weekend). Stay tuned, and let me know if you try this bizarre “fix” – I’m curious to know if I am somehow special/haunted, or if it really is a valid way to remove native applications.

Of course, when iOS4 comes out next week, this will all be moot. Thanks a lot, Apple. Way to make my efforts meaningless.

Posted in Nerd-Fu. 1 Comment »

demons and trickery

There is WITCHCRAFT AFOOT:

original image on the left; satan-tweaked on the right

Click the above image for the large version on Flickr.

I went on a bit of an app spree last night, downloading a half dozen things that looked interesting. Most of these things were games – Robot Unicorn Attack has been ported to the iPhone, and is glorious – but I also spent $1 on an app called “TouchRetouch“.

People, this app is MADE OF HELLFIRE LIES AND SATAN’S TRICKERY.

I’m not saying the app is bad – rather, the exact opposite. This app is SCARY. It shouldn’t be able to DO THOSE THINGS. The image above is just four examples Ed and I did last night – select or take a photo, then use the TouchRetouch tool to remove aspects that you don’t like. AND IT WORKS REALLY WELL.

In the examples above:

  • Taken in the Britannia Heritage Shipyard in Steveston, this picture is one of my favourites – except for the STUPID WHITE HAIR that I didn’t see until halfway through my shot. I removed it, but subsequent pictures didn’t turn out as well as this one did so I’ve always had to live with that ugly little hair reminding me of how much I suck .. until now
  • Eddy Street in San Francisco, taken because Ed’s childhood nickname was “Eddy” (not Eddie) – but now the intersection has no marker at all
  • The Village Dick at the Ren Faire, shouting insults as people look on in the distance .. OR DO THEY?
  • My thumb, holding a leaf upon which the tiniest snail in existence perches – but no more; my thumb is but a memory of my inability to frame pictures properly

This app basically does what the Content Aware and/or Clone tool in Photoshop does, except all the above were done in bed, naked, ON MY PHONE, and for a dollar. How much is Photoshop 5? $699USD, not to mention the computer needed to run it? Yeah. This app is a frickin’ dollar, and is amazing – truly the work of Old Scratch himself. There’s even an HD version for the iPad, also priced at $1.

I was blown away by this last night, and I’m still a little freaked out with awe – people, the future is here. I keep mine in my bra for safety.

Blown. Away.

more words

Hey look I totally did a thing:

i did words

I’ve join the crew at Gamers with Casts to review games and estrogen up the place a little. I love video games and words and it’s high time I reviewed things other than my own vagina, so here I am. My first review is up and I have a bio and everything. Check it out. There will be more reviews coming soon!

rap battle

(Someone started a fictional character rap battle thread on SA; this was my contribution)

time to transform and THROW DOWN

Listen up motherfuckers, it’s Optimus Prime
Leader of the Autobots and the bringer of rhyme
Brought back from the dead coz I broke so many hearts
Thought you could replace me? You’re a heap of spare parts

I’m an 18-wheeler mack truck, you’re a fucking minivan
I bring pain to the ‘cons while you’re the soccer mom’s man
Even as Hot Rod you were a total douche
Roller’s got more fans, and he comes out of my caboose

You’re only worthwhile coz you were voiced by Bender
It was a banner fucking year for the first offender
Over in the real world I’m Peter fucking Cullen
Brought back for the movies while you’re lookin’ pretty sullen

I’m the original gansta, name was Orion Pax
Alpha Trion rebuilds me after Megatron attacks
Bad boy of Cybertron until I got blown up
Even had a girlfriend; all you have is Kup

The Matrix of Leadership glows on in my chest
It’s in it’s rightful home, I’m the best of the best
I never had to use it to light our darkest hour
I defeated all the bad guys using my own fucking power

I like my ladies sleek
You’re a futuristic antique
People cried over me
You’re a goddamn RV
Elita One is my ho and Bumblebee my right hand
How’d your story end? Can’t be bothered to Wiki it, my man
“Til all are one” doesn’t include the likes of you
You’re a failure as a reboot; not fit to be my number two
You tell me you’ve got nothing but contempt for this court?
With your spoiler and flames, you’re as useful as a serial port

You tried your best to be me, even calling yourself Prime
Too bad no one loved you, you wasted all your time
I’m a beloved 80’s icon, father figure to a generation
You’re a faded memory of failure, a move of desperation
Hiding in plain sight, protecting humans as they make out
I’m Optimus fucking Prime; transform and roll out

full of stars

First there was CameraBag. Shortly after, QuadCam. Recently, it’s been Hipstamatic. And now .. PhotoTropedelic, I think I love you:

SO MUCH FUN!

For the record, I made several naked pictures of Ed – yes, THOSE pictures – all fancy, but even with the effects they were a little too graphic to post. Sorry.

New favourite app!

Actually, I should totally post the wang pictures anyway. Who’s with me?

my thumbs aren’t idle

Contrary to popular belief, my life hasn’t been all sexy swinger’s parties and grown-up decisions lately: I’ve managed to squeeze in a fair amount of video game playing (at the expense of other things, like housework and non-anonymous sex).

So, what have I been passing my time with lately?

DS:

Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box
To say that I was eagerly awaiting this sequel to last year’s Professor Layton and the Curious Village was a bit of an understatement. The game itself didn’t disappoint – the good Professor was just as uptight as ever, his “assistant” was raising eyebrows of the authorities, and everything was just so delightfully British. The puzzles range from easy to murderously confusing, and more than once I found myself looking things up online because I just could not figure it out on my own. They added some mini-games that increase the amount of content – you can brew tea, exercise a fat hamster, and build a camera; all of which unlock even more things to see and do. You might blaze through the story quickly enough, but to go back and complete everything is where you’ll find a lot of the action.

And yet .. I wasn’t feeling it. I love the series and would gladly recommend it to just about anyone, but I wasn’t head over heels about the sequel as I assumed I would be. I think there might be several reasons for this – I was sick while playing the game, and being unable to remember my own name and at the same time attempting to solve complicated math puzzles or garlic puns would frustrate anyone – but at the end of the day, the Professor was spent and pleased with himself while I laid there dissatisfied and unfulfilled. I might go back and give it another try to see if I can’t spark the old flame, but something was missing.

Mario and Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story
The third entry in the Mario & Luigi RGP series is a damn good one that you shouldn’t pass up. It’s got all the fun you’d normally find in a Mario title, but in an adventure format AND it’s hilarious to boot. I’m 19 hours in and there’s no end in sight. Where else can you roam around the inside of Bowser’s gut while a toothy alien nerd has chortles at you from the outside? This game is great. I am enjoying it mightily.

Scribblenauts
Rooster Hat aside, Scribblenauts is very, very good .. but not great. It’s as inventive and amazing and hilarious as you want to make it, but the actual movement of Max (the guy in the Rooster Hat) is so clunky you might be driven to fits of shrieking which’ll scare the cat into launching off your thigh with all the power of his claws and 22 pounds of horse muscle, and that will hurt. The game itself is huge – there are 10 levels each with 11 puzzles and 11 action scenes, as well as encouraging you to repeat scenes using different objects, getting you extra points. The game isn’t always clear what it wants from you though, or something that you think should work won’t come out the way you intended – trial and error is a big part of it. It’s really cool though, and I’m liking it a lot – it’s my Go To game when I get tired of wandering around Bowser’s bowels in search of mushrooms.

PS3:

Little Big Planet
We’re a little late on the bandwagon for this one, but we were waiting for a PS3 price drop. We picked up the Game of the Year edition (for $8, thank you EB trade-in policy) which comes with a whole lot of extras – it’s well worth it to seek out the GOTY copy, if you’re in the market to buy the game. Little Big Planet is incredible, and it’s easy to see why it’s the flagship title of the PS3. Ed and I are playing it together – literally the first game we’ve ever attempted to play co-op all the way through – and it’s a great deal of fun. It’s very cute and looks amazing in HD and the hardest part is not playing ahead but waiting for both of us to be available to play. We have a date to night to play some more levels, and once we’re far enough ahead I’m going to play through it single player to collect the things I’ve missed – but it’s a truly original game, and one that is well worth getting for the PS3 – or getting a PS3 for, if you’re in the market.

Katamari Forever
Maybe I’m just too used to paying DS title prices, but PS3 games are incredibly expensive. As a result, we’re trying to keep our collection down to excellent titles only. We have exactly two PS3 games – Little Big Planet and Katamari Forever (technically the entire reason I wanted a PS3).

It’s .. well, it’s a Katamari game. You either love the games, or you don’t get them. I am absolutely in the “love” category – but this is the 5th title on the 4th console, and they’re all the same. Katamari Damacy was a breakthrough title – We Love Katamari was even better, both story wise and in game play – and the others .. well, they’re Katamari games. They’re good, funny, creative, fun – and exactly the same. The King breaks the universe, The Prince is tasked to create replacements, and the katamari keeps on spinnin’.

If you’ve never played a Katamari game before and only have a PS3, then get this one. If you have access to a PS2, get the first or second title instead. Die-hards will buy this one and they’ll enjoy it, but there’s really nothing to write home about. Disappointing, but it’s very difficult if not impossible to recapture the original magic – that’s why you move onto new things, like Little Big Planet.

Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days comes out today – my copy is waiting for me at EB Park Royal – but it’ll be a while before I can get to it. Titles are finally starting to back up again, but I’m pretty sure nothing comes out between now and December (the new Zelda DS title) so I can catch up on my games and maybe get some sleep.

illicit mushrooms

I’m illicit!

More than usual, even!

Now that some decent games are finally being released for the DS after almost 9 months of horrible offerings, my pre-orders are starting to come in. Last week while I was sick I received a call from my favourite EB, telling me my copy of Mario and Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story was in and I could pick it up any time. Hooray! I called Ed and asked if he would do the honours, as I was feverish and housebound. I texted him a permission slip (EB takes pre-orders seriously it seems and has given Ed shit for picking up my stuff in the past) and he grabbed the game for me that night.

I’ve been playing it for the last few days, and it’s pretty cool. I’m enjoying it more than I did Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box, even though the story makes about as much sense – it’s cute and engaging, and almost exactly what I needed to pass the time while sick.

Yesterday I was determined to leave the house for a while, as I hadn’t been further than the sidewalk since Tuesday. We didn’t do anything exciting – went to the mall so I could buy a new keyboard and some packaging material, and I traded in a few games (4 crappy/finished DS titles) for a copy of Little Big Planet (for the PS3 I don’t have yet). I got to talking about upcoming DS titles with the guy behind the counter (known as Band Guy, because he’s in a band) and he mentioned that he was looking forward to the Mario and Luigi RPG and Scribblenauts. I expressed confusion, because the M&L is already out – I have it. I’m pretty sure I didn’t hallucinate it like I did everything else.

Turns out that Nintendo pushed the street date back by a couple days but the store didn’t find out until the next morning – AFTER they had sold one copy. That one copy sold was to Ed, and for the time being, I’m the only person who has the game. Do you want to touch me? It’s okay; you can touch me.

This means I can get in many hours of M&L:BIS before I get my sweaty little hands on Scribblenauts on Wednesday (launches tomorrow; we’re always a day late up here). Also, there is a rooster hat involved. I will be beyond disappointed if I do not get my rooster hat.

ROOSTER. HAT.

No, I am not better yet.

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