Monthly Archives: April 2007

she lives!

Posted in medical anomaly, vroom vroom by

It’s the strangest thing – I hurt all over! It totally feels like I took a massive header on my scooter and dislocated my shoulder! So wacky.

I managed to survive the latest incident in the excellent life of Kimli, no thanks in part to the awesome man who stopped to make sure I wasn’t dead. It must have been a great site; I was lying on the ground tangled up in Sally and trying desperately to get up except I couldn’t. My disease ridden Spidey-sense kicked in again; when he asked if I was okay I squeaked out “I think I dislocated my shoulder ..” and sure enough, that’s what I did. It hurt. A lot. Andrew (my guardian cabinetry maker) called 911 (the first time 911 has been called because of me, not by me), then called Ed (trying to remember his work number when I was tasting concrete [the asphalt, not the guy] was not at all challenging) to age him prematurely by telling him his wife had been in an accident. Andrew made me a pillow, then stayed put until the three (!) cars of paramedics arrived – a cop car, a fire truck and an ambulance.

The paramedics asked me a bunch of questions, then got Sally off me (I was still tangled in her). They rolled me over and loaded me onto a stretcher – my first time on one! Whee! Then they took me into the ambulance, where they poked at me to determine I wasn’t going to die then and there before we took off for the hospital.

A word to the wise – if anyone is planning on doing anything that requires a trip to the hospital, it would be a good idea to NOT wear any of your favourite clothing. Throughout this entire ordeal, I am totally pissed that they had to cut off my favourite hoodie – irreplaceable, since the store is sold out – and cut up my favourite shirt so they could get to my shoulder. They managed to save my jacket, but STILL. SO ANNOYED. Today I am going out to look for a new hoodie. Yes, my priorities are totally in place.

My injuries were not life-threatening enough to warrant the siren, but they took me to the hospital (handily located just up the road) and loaded me into the emergency room where I began the waiting game. Ed had arrived back home by breaking several laws of both speed and physics just after the ambulance took off, but Andrew the Awesome had waited at our place for Ed to arrive so he could tell him which hospital I was taken to. Andrew is the best. He restored my faith in humanity.

The hospital experience really sucked ass. I had to wait for 4 hours before I could get in to be X-rayed, and they wouldn’t give me any kind of painkiller until about hour 3. I went through several panic attacks because I couldn’t move or sit up, and managed to wiggle myself down my bed so I was hanging off the edge by about 18 inches, losing my shoes and socks in the process. Ed made it to the hospital shortly after I arrived, and he soothed me and rebuffed my many attempts to just get up and go home already because lying there in severe pain was not as much fun as I had anticipated.

I did finally get in to be x-rayed. Unfortunately, it was Bring a Complete Newb to Work Day, and the X-Rayettes had to take SEVEN shots before they were able to confirm the diagnosis I had made hours earlier – yep, dislocated shoulder. The x-ray process was horrible, because every time the X-Rayettes discovered their latest attempt at interior photography was of my foot or the floor, they made me roll over onto my good side so they could shove the board thing under me and prop me up with foam Lego. What seemed like a million years later, they said “like, okay! We totally got a good shot! Tee hee!” and I was wheeled back to my spot in the First Aid area of the emergency room.

After my Adventures in Radiology, the rest went by fairly quickly. They gave me this cool tube that contained not the internet but laughing gas, and when I was sufficiently high as a kite, they wrassled my arm back into its socket. It hurt like a goddamn bastard, but apparently was cool to watch and I squeaked a lot (but didn’t scream because I am totally a ninja). They gave me a sling, a few T3s, and shooed us out of the hospital. Ed fed me and took me home, and I used my good hand to text message a bunch of people my whereabouts – just a normal Thursday in the life of Kimli.

So, here we are. It’s a long weekend because we Canadians are surprisingly religious, so I’m sitting at my desk wrapped in my sling and wondering how the hell I’m going to shower, since it hurts my everything to move. I’m stuck in the sling for at least a week, meaning I can’t drive (Ed has volunteered to be my chauffer) or scoot or play any Wii games. Boo! I know I’m lucky that the accident wasn’t a lot worse, and in the end everything is good. Sally is totally fine; she’s in better shape than I am – and all my friends are having an excellent time making fun of me and threatening to put training wheels on my scooter. All in all, it was an adventure – one I’m not looking to repeat any time soon, but thanks to the awesome people looking out for me and the get well wishes (and the yummy gourmet cookies the space station sent over), I shall soon be on the mend and totally ready to hurt myself in other spectacular ways.

I totally found down, though.

This is not the Kim you are looking for…

Posted in medical anomaly, vroom vroom by

THE INTERNET IS MINE!!!@#QWERTY

Guest poster Ed here, commissioned to impart to all y’all the greatness that is my wife. Early this morning on her way to work, she decided that she should wipe the fuck out.. completely unaided by man or beast. Thankfully, she managed to not get more than a few feet down the road. A very kind and gentle stranger helped her out by calling an ambulance, notifying me at work, and staying at the scene to give me an update on her condition and location.
The end result of Kim’s decision to find Down is a painfully dislocated shoulder (which I got to watch the docs pop back in… awesome!?), a scraped and bruised leg, and clothes that had to be cut off of her by the paramedic. My wife has been ravaged :(.

She’s ok and currently in bed with some cats and a really cool sling that she has to wear for a week or so. I’m sure she’ll update soon because she’s a huge nerd and is going through ‘net withdrawal. Now if her readers can help me explain to her why hurting herself and scaring her husband half to death is terribly wrong, that would be grrreeeat.

eeeek

Posted in medical anomaly by

Oh hell I have COOTIES!

There are five huge mysterious bites on my right leg that were not there this morning – this is so totally what I need; to be ravaged by insects on top of everything else.

AHH!

when i wish upon a star

Posted in angst, i'm an astronaut by

Nothing is good about anything.

I’m a puppet astronaut in a small space station. I say “puppet” not because I am a figurehead hiding the actions of an ominous committee of evil, but because I am a wooden puppet who longs to be a real boy.

I knew I was to be a puppet astronaut when I first started working here, but was promised by the blue fairy that in 6 months’ time, all us astronaut puppets would be turned into real boys with benefits and vacation time and sick days and all the perks that come with having a real job being a real live boy. The 6 month mark rolled by, and the blue fairy said oh! We’re so busy with all the wonderful things that you will benefit from, please give us some more time to turn you into real boys! The puppet astronauts were satisfied by the efforts being made, and continued to work with their cute little wooden fingers and darling little wooden brains.

Six more months passed, and the puppet astronauts had been in space for a whole year. Surely the time had come to be turned into real boys! Oh, but wait said the blue fairy. The time is just not right – give us six more months and we’ll wave our magic wand and turn you into a real boy. We mean it this time! To prove we really do, please take this increase of 16% of one chicken – see, now you’re only 84% of a chicken away from making what you should be! It’s so close you can taste .. oh, right, not a real boy – no tongue. Sorry.

It hasn’t been three months yet; barely one and a half. My colourful puppet paint is starting to wear off, and my space goggles no longer have their rosy tint. I have some serious doubts about the legitimacy of the “we’ll make you a real boy” claim – just today I was told by the blue fairy that it’s still another six months away. I am tired of hearing “in six months”. I want to be a real boy NOW. I haven’t been a real boy since 2002 – that is a long time to go without any love at all.

There’s more than just the real boy issue, too. I currently work in tech support. I do not want to work in tech support. I was not hired to do tech support, and I have been promised time and time again that I will not be stuck doing tech support. Just give us some more time, cooed the blue fairy. Changes are in the works and you’ll be doing super awesome projects soon. Patience!

I have been patient. I have been upbeat. I have tried to look at the bright side of things; basking in the wooden adoration of our clients when I solve their problems over and over and over again. I keep reaching for that wooden carrot, knowing that my efforts at being a team player are appreciated and valued. Soon I will be a real boy! Soon I will say goodbye to tech support and work on projects of varying degrees of awesome!

That was before yesterday. Yesterday, the blue fairy told me bluntly that there is no light at the end of my tech support tunnel – we are absolutely definitely 100 percentedly not bringing on any other puppet astronauts to take over some of the tech support so you can do other things. Nope, sorry. You will be doing tech support for – wait for it – at least six more months; possibly 8 or 9. We just can’t do it. Sorry, old puppet. It sucks to be you.

So, where are we now? I’m a puppet astronaut stuck working in a role I hate. There is no end in sight, and we do not know when the blue fairy will turn us into real boys. That’s pretty bad, but it’s not SO bad right?

You should know me well enough by now to know that there’s ALWAYS more:

Our space station is moving. I started working on the project, because I’ve done far larger, far more corporate space station moves before. I’m well-equipped and organized, and most importantly, I am in the space station day in and day out and I know where everything is, where everything should go, what everyone’s phone numbers are, and what they’re allergic to. I can easily move our space station. Sure, the blue fairy left the fine details like where we were moving to until literally 28 days before we have to move, but I can handle it. I thrive on insane situations, remember? I can do this, splinters and all.

I did express a bit of wooden frustration yesterday, because tech support is extremely busy and I am trying to plan a space station move that leaves all our puppet astronauts without an office for a week or more due to the extremely poor planning. Still, the move is something I am perversely looking forward to tackling because of all the little details involved and also because it is not tech support.

The blue fairy picked up on my stress level, and decided to help me by taking the move project away so I can concentrate on tech support. Never mind that I want to do the move. Never mind that I hate tech support. Never mind that the blue fairy basically sentenced me to an open term in a role they promised wouldn’t be mine. Never mind everything; here’s a punishment for all your hard work. Why are you so unhappy? Just look at all the things we’ve promised for six months down the road!

I am more sad than anything else, because I desperately wanted this space station to work out and be a home for me.

well, fuck

Posted in fuuuuuuuu, i'm an astronaut by

My boss just told me that we are absolutely not going to be getting any more support staff because “we can’t justify the need”.

Well then.

Guess it’s time to dust off the ol’ resume and start the job hunt anew.

Fuck.

smells like mystery

Posted in everyday kimli, nerd by

My friend Concrete (I love the internet – I have no idea what his real name is; he’s just “Concrete”. I think maybe it’s John, or maybe Steve) had a truly excellent idea, one that I think needs to be shared with everyone:

[GGL-con`reedz] i think we need a game called Sim Asshole
[GGL-con`reedz] lets you act out all your assholish fantasies
[GGL-con`reedz] without the risk of being an actual asshole in real life :o

See, that’s just great. A game where you get points for being a total jerk by doing the things that everyone else seems to have no problem doing but you for some reason missed out on by not being raised in that barn. I personally would love to drive a giant SUV while talking on my cell phone and eating a sandwich all at the same time – in the game, that would get me extra points for not only being an asshole, but also endangering others. Double bonus points if there are small children in the car, and triple bonus for a small yappy dog on my lap. Want to take your three kids under the age of 5 to see Saw III? Sure! Invite all your drunken friends over for a Wednesday night party? Why not! Order a burger at a restaurant and throw it all over the restaurant instead of eating it – you have to! It’s Sim Asshole! Get your copy today!

Sometimes I like to pretend I am Nancy Drew. I always envied her; weird things would happen to/around her all the time and instead of having perfectly reasonable explanations – the message in the hollow oak was a warning about the devastating effects of clear cutting; the hidden staircase was behind a curtain; the secret in the attic was asbestos – it would always turn out to be some fabulous mystery that would lead to untold adventure and intrigue. Strange things happen to me all the time, but it rarely turns out to be a true mystery that needs some sleuthing. That doesn’t mean I’ve given up hope, though – one day I’ll stumble upon a real mystery to solve with my good friends George the Tomboy and Bess the Fatty, and we’ll get into some danger that requires some manly rescuing by my dashing beau Ned and/or handsome attorney father Carson. It’ll be awesome.

Oh, and last night as I was trying to fall asleep there was some creepy harmonica music coming from somewhere outside. The Phantom Harmonica – I smell a mystery!

Or, as is far more likely, our neighbour is practicing up a new instrument for the start of the Drum Circle Season. Maybe someone will kidnap him, though. I can still hope for mystery!

It’s Tuesday, and my plastic bag count for the week is still zero!

one less hole

Posted in everyday kimli by

As of Saturday morning, there is one less hole in my head.

I finally removed my nose piercing. I’ve had it since August of 1998, but it’s never been anything that I felt defined who I am. People don’t tend to remember me because my nose is pierced; there are a thousand other aspects of my appearance or personality that jump out first, if at all. The wee piece of metal in my nose was always just there – it existed, sometimes it hurt, most of the time it didn’t. It just .. was.

This spring has been a particularly brutal one. There are a lot more trees in this area compared to our place in East Vancouver; I’m sure that has a lot to do with my ongoing hay fever (or as I like to call it, “nose herpes”). The extra pollen in the air coupled with my regular everyday allergies have made a mockery of my defense systems, and no amount of medication I can take is making any of my orifii leak any less. I’m a walking bag of mucous. Who wants to make out!

I think I’ve been rubbing my nose in my sleep, because there’s a very painful scabby thing on the inside of my nose that directly corresponds to where the post of my nose stud lands if I were to smoosh my nose inward. After spending most of Friday afternoon trying to hide the tissue I had stuffed up my nostril in an attempt to stop the bleeding, I finally had enough. I removed the stud to give my face a good scrubbin’, then .. just didn’t put it back in. I’m done. I want my nose to heal. I’m tired of mystery scabs that hurt when I wiggle my nose while trying to see if I have powers like Samantha in Bewitched. I’m sure I’ll miss having a pierced nose at some point – hell, I still regret removing my tongue bar, 5 years later – but for now, I’m going to enjoy being able to scratch my nose and not being jabbed and also being able to exfoliate ALL my face without having to scrub around that side of my nose. It will be awesome.

I am going to try to have a No Plastic Bag week. As of 11:15am on Monday morning, I am totally winning the race.

hi, i am a giant loser

Posted in everyday kimli by

I am so lame. I have the house to myself, so I’m doing some cleaning. I put on some music to clean to, and it just happened to be a CD full of wistful emo-lite – so now I’m sniffly sad with nostalgia while I clean off my computer desk. Seriously, I’m all welly in the eyes. I am SO LAME! I think I’ll put on some of Ed’s epic dragon metal instead, so I’ll be full of righteous chivalry for orc-slaying and elven romance instead of deeply sad about the state of my desk.