Monthly Archives: July 2007

kimli’s korporate downfall

Posted in i'm an astronaut by

I wasn’t always a renegade astronaut working to bring down the Space Man from the inside. Long before I became the cynical, jaded husk you all know and love, I was a fresh-faced and apple-cheeked go-getter with a sparkling outlook on life. Delicious Juice Dot Com was not yet a glimmer of a twinkle in my eye, so there was no need for a sneaky code name for my job – it just was what it was.

I used to work for Procter and Gamble, manufacturing overlord of all things that go in or on your body. I started out as a maternity replacement for the Executive Assistant, and quickly became indispensable and also permanent – the lady didn’t want her job back, and who was I to argue. I enjoyed my job, but even then my abundant sass was bubbling up and over my good girl persona. P&G was and always has been a very conservative company, and the bright pink streaks and nose ring I sported were just not suitable for an Executive Assistant to the president of P&G West. My admittedly awesome technical skills had not gone unnoticed though, and soon I found myself promoted to not only a full-time real employee but one who was responsible for all things technical west of Ontario. Not too shabby, as I don’t have the paperwork to back up my genius (or a high school diploma, if you want to get snarky about it).

Years passed, and my title changed almost quarterly. My duties changed a lot too – by the end of my tenure there, I was not only responsible for the technological well-being of about 200 people; I was also the Facilities Manager for our three offices (we moved a lot). I was busy. My title was “Workplace Services Coordinator”. I had an office and a pager and ass marbles the size of our warehouse from trying to keep everything running smoothly.

We had moved from our downtown office to a spacious area out past the airport. However, after a year there we learned that more than half our staff was being let go due to that awesome bitch, Corporate Downsizing. Our office was way, way too big for our remaining suckers, so we looked for a new home. Luckily, we were in a very newly developed area that was owned by one company – they let us choose a smaller space in a new building that was still under construction. I had a great deal of fun playing with office layouts and figuring out everything that was needed, and I frankly did a great job of it. I may not necessarily like what I do, but I *am* awfully good at it – lucky me.

So, what happened? I laughed a little too long and hard at something – given the circumstances – that was completely and utterly inappropriate, but was just so funny I couldn’t help myself. In retrospect, I really should have tried to help myself, or at the very least save my helpless peals of laughter for when I *wasn’t* on a conference call with some very high higher ups.

Almost everyone knows about Procter & Gamble and the whole “we support the Church of Satan!” story (which, for the record, is not true – don’t sue me). It might seem obvious to those with any sort of common sense, but there is an unfortunately large portion of the population who believe everything they’re told – and as such, really believe that P&G and Satan are BFF because Aunt Martha’s hairdresser’s boy’s friend from two towns over saw the president of P&G on Oprah or Donahue (never happened) hailing Satan and why would he lie about such a thing? Look at the FACTS! It was on TV! There are STARS on their LOGO! I’m never buying any of their 900+ products ever again, lordy lordy!

While you and I know the whole thing is just one big stupid urban legend, there are a lot of people who think otherwise – and as such, P&G is very concerned about their image, wanting to avoid any more bullshit and lawsuits (they successfully sued Amway for many many moneys because their agents were spreading the gospel as truth to the gullible). For example, Cover Girl will never launch a line of goth makeup; Sunny D isn’t about to come out with Blood Red Berry Burst; you’ll never see an ad campaign about on how well Tide with Bleach gets those pesky sacrificial blood stains out of your altar cloth; and Secret might very well be strong enough for the Prince of Darkness himself but it really is made for women. There are people in P&G who take care of this kind of thing. It is Serious Business.

So, when I found out that our new office address was going to be 7666 Middle-of-Nowhere Lane, my reaction probably *shouldn’t* have been to laugh so hard I damn near wet myself. Nope, not at all. Restraint, I’ve heard, can be used outside the bedroom too.

To be fair, 7666 isn’t the reason I left P&G – I too was a victim of Corporate Downsizing – but I did get quite the talking to afterwards. I don’t really see why – I was the one who brought it to their attention well in advance so they could petition the city for a new building number. If anything, I’m a hero. Where’s my shiny gold star and lifetime supply of Old Spice? Some people just don’t appreciate my brilliance.

It *was* funny, though.

still not a fetish

Posted in everyday kimli by

I am not normally one to go crazy over shoes. I’ve never understood the passion for expensive shoes ala Sex in the City; nor do I have any sort of loyalty to one particular brand of shoe. I am partial to Mary Janes, have a soft spot for pre-Nike Converse, and if I were disgustingly wealthy I would own many pairs of Fluevogs but that is about it. Contrary to what Ed thinks, I do not have any kind of shoe fetish. What is it about guys thinking that, anyway? They see more than two pairs of shoes and automatically assume some sort of obsession is afoot (*cough*). This coming from the boy who spent a week in Edmonton and took five pairs of shoes with him .. anyway, shoes: I can take ‘em or leave ‘em. When it comes down to it, I prefer being barefoot.

However, last weekend in Edmonton I found a pair of shoes that I am absolutely in love with. There’s a Skechers store in West Edmonton Mall, and while I couldn’t bring myself to spend $90 on a pair of supremely cute Mary Janes, I DID find their answer to Crocs: these things.

Most people either love or hate Crocs, and I am firmly in the “love” category. They’re the only shoe I can wear for a long day of walking or standing and not feel crippled the next day. They’re a tradeshow savior – without them I’d be pretty much fucked after day one. They now come in a Mary Jane style, which is less obtrusively ugly than the standard ones – these are good. I have several pairs.

While I wasn’t about to spend $90 on a pair of shoes at the Skechers store (even though they were very, very, very cute) I was willing to shell out $35 – the price of a pair of Crocs – for a pair of Skechers Calies, and I love them ever so much. They’re comfy and light and super cute. If I can find somewhere that sells them locally, I will get another pair. I heart them a lot. So much so that I do not mind that I just wrote four paragraphs about shoes. How ‘bout that.

Up next on Delicious Juice Dot Com: How inappropriate peals of laughter were my ultimate corporate downfall!

home is awesome

Posted in everyday kimli, i'm an astronaut, international kimli, medical anomaly, vroom vroom by

Home! Man, I like home.

Edmonton was great. The weather was perfect – not too hot at all – and we got to spend some quality time with the in-laws and also cousins. Some obligatory shopping was done (love that no PST), many donairs were eaten (okay only two, but they were enormous and oh so tasty), and good times were had all ‘round. The visit seemed incredibly short, but we got a lot done.

The ride back was nice, too. The weather was overcast for the first 7 hours of the 13 hour drive, so it wasn’t too taxing on the head and the scenery was gorgeous as usual. The cats were ecstatic to see us, which is always nice – nothing like a little adoration to perk the spirits right up again. A quick shower had us feeling human again, and now we’re back to status quo albeit with a jam packed July to look forward to.

I fucking hate mosquitoes, though. One bit me on the face in Edmonton, and we were pretty much attacked by them in Blue River when we stopped to get gas. Fucking beasts – I bet I have 19 West Nile viruses now.

I brought my wedding dress back from Edmonton. I don’t really know what I’m going to do with it; it’s not some sort of incredible heirloom I need to pass down to my non-existent spawn. I suppose I could sell it, but it wasn’t expensive to begin with – I opted for a bridesmaid dress that was around $200 instead of the traditional crazy expensive fanciness. I don’t want to preserve it – that is lame – but I don’t envision wearing it again, so .. what to do. Donate it? Set it on fire? Frankly, I’m leaning towards the fire – given all the horrible, horrible stress I had over the fucking thing, I’m content that it served its purpose and now it can go away. I wonder if it could be tie-dyed? Heh.

Ed has the day off and I’m working from home. He’s actually on his way to Scooter right now, using his birthday money from his parents to put a deposit down on his Dio – it needs to be imported and upgraded out the wazoo, so he’s giving Wayne the go-ahead to get the process started. SCOOTERS! SCOOTERS FOR EVERYONE! I can’t wait – having people to ride with is so much fun, and Ed’s wanted a scooter pretty much since I got Sally. FUN! Hopefully he’ll get it in time to enjoy a few months of summer riding before we have to store them for the winter, but WHEE!

In Edmonton, we rode a quad. Ed’s dad has an 800cc Polaris something or other, so we took turns riding up the back alley with it. The thing is fucking TERRIFYING – I went (very slowly) up the alley and then turned around (in an utterly graceful 25-point turn) and came right back. It’s about 675 too many ccs for me; I can’t imagine every riding something that powerful on a regular basis. It made me want to come home and hug Oscar in all of his 125cc glory – there is NO WAY I’m ever getting anything bigger. Ed liked it, but there was just way too much power under me for any sort of comfort level. Scary. Kimli no like.

It feels like I’ve been gone from work for weeks, but I only took last Friday off. I suppose it’s good that no one missed me – next week I’ll be gone for 4 days to help my mom and I’ll feel guilty every time I think about work even though I know I shouldn’t. It’s tough having a superiority complex – people aren’t supposed to be able to deal with my not being around, damnit. I expect tears and wailing and a sense of utter hopelessness – how DARE you manage for yourselves! You’re supposed to NEED me!

Okay, answering my very few emails now. *sniff*

well played

Posted in nerd by

I just got back from seeing my first movie in over 4 years. Ed, his cousin Cliff and I saw the Transformers movie in a truly disgusting theatre in Edmonton.

I .. liked it.

I went into the movie knowing that this was not 1986, I am not 12 years old, and the movie I was about to see was not a cartoon and not the original – and with all that in mind, I liked it. Sure, it was cheesy and over the top, but it sort of fit. Several things made me laugh out loud – I enjoyed the Rise Against poster appearing twice – and I left the theatre satisfied. Thirsty, but satisfied.

Well played, Michael Bay. It’s not the same, but you didn’t fill me with incoherent rage and I suppose that’s gotta be worth something.

Now, don’t fuck up the sequels.

YAY-cation!

Posted in everyday kimli, nerd by

In two hours I am officially on vacation! Sure, it’s really just a glorified long weekend, but since I have to go through security and have all my many electronics scanned, I’m going to make the most of it. Vacation! Pass the tequila shots!

Our landlord cashed our rent cheque. This isn’t unusual at all, except that I honestly don’t think he HAS any cheques from us – I distinctly remember giving him post-dated ones for the entire year, which should have only gone until the end of June as we started living here July 1st last year. Also, our rent is supposed to go up $25 so I purposefully didn’t write any extended cheques past our one-year mark. So, how’d he cash it? Am I perhaps crazy and forgetful in my old age? Probably. I will officially stop worrying about it right …… now.

I wisely decided to work from home today until I have to leave, just so I could take my time getting ready and make sure I haven’t forgotten anything. I am extremely paranoid when it comes to packing for trips, which is why I tend to pack several weeks in advance and also over pack just in case. It does help that Ed took most of my stuff with him in the car; all I’m bringing are my toys and essentials. Of course, that doesn’t stop me from worrying that I’ve forgotten something important like feeding the cats or taking out the garbage before I leave or my medication (I’m allergic to the in-law’s dog) or my ID. However, I also know that in my last 5 years of many travels, the only things I’ve forgotten are my wedding ring once (to an iTG event in LA – not a big deal, since Ed doesn’t wear his at all anymore and is whoring it up in Edmonton as I speak) and mascara in Victoria last month. Pretty good track record, I’d say. Being anal is SUPER!

This guy wrote a great post about Transformers (and linked back to me, so he gets extra e-love). He also has a huge Decepticon tattoo on his right arm, which means that my left shoulder and his right arm are going to have to battle it out to protect and/or destroy mankind. He does make an excellent point about Dreamweave’s Transformers work – it’s gorgeous, and looks like a true updated version of the old school characters we know and love (and look, no flames or lips). Check it out. His points, they are on the mark.

I am too warm. Do you think they’d let me board the plane naked?

do you like to party

Posted in everyday kimli by

I am either a) paranoid, b) guilty of watching too much crime TV, c) mentally processing the attempted boy-ho pickup I just saw, or d) all of the above.

It’s a quiet night out, and sound travels pretty well. I heard voices, so I looked out my window and saw a guy in a car in the middle of the street calling over a young guy to ask for directions. No big deal, right?

I stood and watched for a while, and in that time the guy in the car:

  • asked if the guy knew where a certain address was
  • had the guy look at the numbers of the buildings they were standing between
  • asked if he was out partying tonight
  • introduced himself as Jimbo
  • said he lived downtown
  • asked if the young man had a cell phone
  • offered up his own cell phone number
  • asked the young man to call him anytime, like on Friday, he’s free after 5pm
  • shook his hand
  • made some other intelligible comment that garnered an awkward laugh from the young man
  • eventually drove away

The entire thing was really fucking creepy. Jimbo was a large round white man dressed in light colours, driving a beat-up older sports car. The young man in question was from the reserve, tall and lanky and probably around 20. Jimbo spoke in a silky, smarmy voice. I bet he had disturbingly soft hands.

Scary. Seriously, who drives around at 11:30 pm in neighbourhoods they are not familiar with, then strikes up a random conversation with some random guy and asks if he likes to party? CREEPY SEX OFFENDERS, THAT’S WHO. The whole “so, you out partying?” and the “give me a call sometime, we’ll party” and the repeated “I live downtown”, not to mention that he was looking for an address that did not exist (he didn’t want my building, or the building next door, which leaves the crackenhaus at the end of the block or Reserve Land – plus he drove away right after the convo, not stopping to see if the address he was “looking” for matched the last place on the block) – on any TV drama, that would equal BAD NEWS.

I’m going to go hide from the scary men looking to pick up slender young studs for partying in front of my apartment building now.

my, what a large peanut you have

Posted in everyday kimli, vroom vroom by

I saw a three-storey tall Mr. Peanut on my way to work today. I know I didn’t get enough sleep last night, but I am pretty sure I was not hallucinating – there, in a field, was an enormous Mr. Peanut. Cane, monocle, top hat – the works. He was large and jolly and completely out of place, even for North Vancouver. If I liked peanuts, I’m sure I would be craving some now – but really, I’m just curious as to why the giant Mr. Peanut was there in the first place and .. um .. if anyone else besides me saw it.

It is way, way too nice out to work. I am staring out the window longingly because it is gorgeous outside and also to avoid staring at the floor, where I saw a spider earlier. I’ve already done a dance of fear and have rolled up my pant legs so nothing can crawl up there and bite me, but I still fear. I bet if I was riding Oscar, nothing could bite me because we are like the WIND.

I’m very glad to see that the Lure of the Scooter has not changed even though I am riding a more “hardcore” bike. Oscar, while saturated in awesome, isn’t as cute and approachable as Sally is so I worried that I would see a decline in the number of people who stop to ask me questions about scooter riding and scooters in general. But no! The nicer the weather, the more people want to know all about it and I am more than glad to wax poetry about the wonders of scooter riding. The questions are generally the same – can you go on highways, how much does it cost, how fast can you go – and my answers haven’t changed: I answer for the 50cc scooter they assume it is. While I technically CAN go on highways, I will not and don’t want potential scooter riders to think they can on a regular bike, so I say no. In fact, the real reason I upgraded to a more powerful scooter was so I can keep up with traffic safely on the Lions Gate Bridge – that’s it. No speed demon here; I am quite content to ride on the side of caution rather than trying to get to that red light three seconds before the person next to me.

Lastly, there are the celebrations:

Happy birthday, Ali! We love you and owe you a visit!
Happy birthday, Lisa! We will hook up and go for a scooter ride soon!
Happy 4th of July, Americans! I like your Mexican restaurants!

all about nothing

Posted in everyday kimli by

So far this morning I’ve offended an entire country of developers by suggesting I needed to “crack some skulls” to get something done and the government managed to track me down to tell me I owe them $750.

Super!

Add in an excruciatingly painful support call with a less than coherent slickster, and you have one steamed Kimli who is counting down the hours until her “vacation”. I’m leaving Thursday to join Ed in Edmonton, and we’ll drive back on Sunday. It’s definitely better than nothing, and I am looking forward to seeing the in-laws and stuff, but I still wish I could have a vacation without quotation marks – you know, something I want to do in a place I want to do it that’ll have me bouncing with anticipation instead of just being mildly eager. It’ll happen someday, I guess.

I am sort of glad iPhones aren’t available in Canada, or I know I would want one even though they are outrageously expensive. I think I would probably have to settle for wishing for enough money to be able to afford an iPhone rather than the gadget itself, coz wooo. I do have a lot of gadgets though, so I can live without a fancy new phone for quite some time. I have a Zune! It is pretty!

I had a very productive long weekend. I took advantage of my momentarily-single status to ride into Richmond to do the things that Ed never wants to do because he really does loathe the area. I went to Toys R Us to hunt down an elusive Optimus Prime figure for my shelves, then visited Aberdeen Mall for some self-torture. There’s something very unsettling about being the fattest person in a shopping mall by a good 150lbs or more – Aberdeen Mall is the most hardcore Asian mall in all of BC, and every shop caters to the extremely tiny and even tinier than that. I wanted to check out VooDoo Palace because I am 12 years old at heart, as well as buy some interesting things at Daiso, the excellent Japanese $2 store. I also had some of my favourite snail pictures printed as 5x7s as to decorate the bathroom with my little bug friends. Missions accomplished, I headed home for a traditional Canada Day dinner of bangers and mash, then went to the waterfront to view the fireworks with Josh and Shan. Good times.

The holiday Monday was a touch lazier. Josh went hiking with Shan’s car, so I taught her how to ride Josh’s Honda Ruckus and we went to Park Royal to run some errands and have lunch among the ethereally gorgeous at the Cactus Club Café. We rode home where I promptly passed out with a brutal migraine that left me incapacitated and vomitous – I had to skip a sojourn at the Black Frog with the rest of the Crew because I couldn’t move. The migraine eventually went away, I had some fresh raspberries with vanilla ice cream, and I settled in for night number two of solo bedtime fun.

The more I think about it, the more I am looking forward to my trip to Edmonton. Road trips are always awesome, and I really do like my in-laws. Plus, I will get to have Queen Donair. That in itself is reason alone to go to Edmonton. Mmm .. Queen Donair.

Must stop thinking about delicious mystery meat. Must work now. Must wipe up embarrassing drool.

it’s a trap

Posted in fuuuuuuuu by

The Admiral has a name: Andy. Our drunken neighbour’s gentleman friend is officially Admiral Andy Ackbar.

This guy scares me. He looks like the harmless 81-year-old man he probably is, but he and Drunk Betty spend a lot of their time being drunk – okay, whatever floats their boat. However:

Yesterday when I was heading out for the afternoon I noticed a gray Toyota something or other parked next to my scooter. It wasn’t remarkable in any way except for the fact that it was still running, and it was completely empty. I stood around for a few minutes waiting to see if anyone would claim it, and surveyed the car while I was at it – yep, it was running, unlocked, and just sitting there waiting for someone to come along and help themselves.

Sure, that’s weird. It’s also happened before. After 5 minutes or so, I stood on the lawn of our building and called up to Drunk Betty – is that your car? The keys are in the ignition, it’s still running, and the doors are unlocked. She eventually warbled back that no, it’s not her car – it’s the Admiral’s, and he does this all the time. She roused him from whatever stupor he was in, and he shuffled downstairs to turn off his car and gather the keys. All’s fine and good, I guess. No harm done.

Except. This is the second time that I/we have found his car in that condition – who the hell drives to their destination and just gets out of the car, forgetting to do the most basic steps of car use? The entire situation worries me, because I personally think that anyone who routinely just stops their car and gets out is probably a little too forgetful to be driving in the first place. Also, he and Drunk Betty drink a LOT, and I worry that they are not responsible enough to not drive in that state. If they were to get into an accident, I would feel pretty bad and/or devastated if they hurt someone other than themselves.

Should I be doing anything about this? Is there anything I CAN do? It’s probably none of my business, but something about just shrugging it off doesn’t sit right with me. Oh, the morale dilemma. What would the internet do?

yay for canada!

Posted in everyday kimli, relationship drama by

I ate a red and white breakfast, but I realized that I can’t dress the part today – I don’t own any red clothing. None! The best I can do is sport a pair of red and white underwear, which is a pretty sad state of affairs. Now, if our country colours were, say, black and army green, I would be patriotic every damn day of the year – but red and white I just can’t do with what is currently in my closet.

Ed left this morning for his road trip, meaning I get the bed ALL TO MYSELF for 4 whole nights (unless anyone wanted to join me – any takers?). I don’t know that I’ve had a long weekend to myself in recent years, and I’m a little at a loss of what to do. I want to go for a scoot for sure, and check out some of the Canada Day celebrations .. but do I want to be social? Or spend the day in solitude, just me n’ Oscar roaming the city? Decisions!

Last night there was a huge fight upstairs involving Angry Steve (the Bus Drivin’ Man) and the idiots upstairs. It was scary. Ed had to intervene – there was one very, very angry burly bus driver against 20 or so drunken kids full of piss and vinegar and beer and themselves. There were pushes, and a punch was thrown that thankfully didn’t make contact. It was a really fucking bad scene – people were literally screaming at one another (well, Steve was screaming at the idiots upstairs, who were beakin’ back at him like .. well, idiots) and threats and escalating tempers and whooooo boy. Bad stuff. The cops eventually showed up (after everything had calmed down), and the party went on until about 4 in the morning. I’m thinking our landlord is going to get a very angry earful about all this from Angry Steve, and rightfully so – the idiots upstairs have been here for less than a year, and it seems like every other week they have a houseful of drunken kids acting like this is a dormitory or something. Ugh.

Of course, here’s hoping that our landlord’s solution isn’t to just sell the building to the developers that have been sniffing around these parts, looking to demolish four buildings and put up some overpriced condos.

Happy Canada Day, everyone! I leave you with this quote, which is frankly hilarious and tickled me just so:

Denys Volkov, who hails from Kharkiv, Ukraine, offers this essential advice for any eastern Europeans trying to act Canadian: “Poutine (fries smothered in cheese and gravy) is not the same as Putin.” Volkov recounts how he moved to Manitoba to study and initially couldn’t understand why his friend kept asking his opinion of Russian President Vladimir Putin.

HAH!