Today I thought I’d try being like everyone else. I’ve been noticing that other people do things a lot differently than I do, and for the sake of Science, I thought I’d try it out and see if it was truly all that.

It is not.

Other people dress nicely and do not wear plaid shoes to work. I am wearing my good jeans, a dainty blouse (there you go, Darren) with a matching sweater, and fancy shoes. I am terribly uncomfortable, albeit much more put together than usual. I gave some good serious thought to fully committing myself to the lie and wearing a suit or a skirt, but that would severely hamper my ability to scoot to work (another thing that other people do not do) so I had to compromise.

Other people do not wear bright green eye shadow. This is their loss; I am wearing it anyway.

Other people do not get into work and make a desperate lunge at the pop machine so they can enjoy a frosty mug of delicious Diet Coke before 9am. I went to Starbucks to try and be like other people, and now I have a very respectable chai and a scone. Total cost: $6.25. My usual breakfast of Diet Coke and a different type of scone: $2.60. Other people are surely poorer than I.

At least they would be, if I didn’t keep importing expensive (but fun) video games.

Still, that being said, these tiny scones are really damn tasty. If I wasn’t too lazy to walk across the street in the morning, I would be all up in this tiny scone business every day. They’re even cheaper than my usual blueberry scone, although I may regret this sugar rush in the next few minutes.

Yesterday was a very expensive day for me – I simultaneously ran out of things that keep me sane, baby-free, supple, clean, pleasantly scented, plaque-free, moist, and coiffed. I’m now all stocked up, but it was an exhausting afternoon of car exhaust and personal questions.

I am absolutely spacing out.

At a crowded party full of classier people than I, most of whom I am meeting for the first time:

Kimli: HELLO, “DEALER”! HERE IS SOME MONEY FOR DRUGS!
Dealer: THANKS FOR THE DRUG MONEY, KIMLI! HERE ARE YOUR DRUGS!

Discretion is not my middle name. I mean, I know I don’t HAVE a middle name but if I did, it would not be discretion.

I am amused that I am still somewhat squeamish to announce my illicit drug use. I’ve only mentioned weed once or twice, and each time it’s been in a detached sort of way. Well, it’s time I threw off the shackles of self-oppression and yell out to the heavens: I AM A TOTAL POTHEAD!

No, seriously. Since my introduction to insidious gateway drug at the tender age of 18, I must have smoked the marijuanas, like, half a dozen times. Maybe even ten times. In the last five years alone, I’ve probably been “high” once. I am crazed with the reefer madness! My depravity knows no bounds!

And strangely, since moving to BC, I’ve never had a more difficult time coming by a supplier. This is because my main connection is Ed – when I descend into madness and need my fix, I usually say “hey Ed, get me some pot” and then he says “okay” and eventually I get some pot. However, I’ve been completely “jonesing” for a “fat blunt” for three years now, and Ed is not coming through for me. I finally gave up on him and asked someone else, and not five hours after my inquiry, the above exchange loudly took place. Take that, society! I am thumbing my nose at you!

I haven’t actually done anything with it yet – it’s safely enclosed in my Hello Kitty toothpick tin – but all the same, Josh is trying to plan an intervention. Clearly, I am out of control.

All dangerous drug use aside, I had a truly excellent weekend. On Saturday, Josh Reilly Miranda and I took advantage of the beautiful weather and went on an epic scoot through South Vancouver and Richmond. We rode and explored for about 7 hours before returning to Gastown for food and Tanya’s housewarming party. It was good fun, but the many hours of fresh air had tired us out and we all turned in fairly early. It was a glorious day though, and the only things that could have made it better were in Whistler (Ed) and Calgary (Shan) doing their own things.

Sunday was low key but still fun. Shopping, scooter maintenance, ice cream that tasted like sushi, and sleep. Now it is Monday, and I am not ready for my week to begin but I will muddle through because I know there are many more adventures to come. Plus, I have drugs. Hooray!

I took a million photos on Saturday and uploaded only some of them – I haven’t gone through and named them all, but I’m sure you can live without my witty descriptive text.

DRUGS!

I was in elementary school approximately around the time of the Industrial Revolution, so our entire school had one or two computers at most. This prehistoric way of doing things would come in very handy for me, because I was a little brat who a) was far too clever for her own good and b) enjoyed playing pranks on her classmates.

There was a guy in my class named Billy. We’d been in the same class since kindergarten, and by the time we hit grade seven we had settled into a comfortable routine of teasing. At some point in the year, I decided it would be a great deal of fun to play a trick on Billy that would take some careful setup but would pay off in a great deal of laughter, so I set the wheels in motion.

Every morning after the bell rang, our teacher would read the daily announcements. After the usual news important to only those in the 7th grade, he would read off a list of overdue library books and who had checked them out. It was always interesting to see what my classmates were reading, and this is where the plan first took shape.

It was extremely easy to pull off – after all, I was a trusted student who could pretty much do whatever I wanted. I went to the library, selected a book, and filled out the withdrawal card with Billy’s name and class number. The librarians had long since ceased checking my books out for me; I was allowed to do it by myself – so I did. I carefully changed the date on the due stamp, dropped the withdrawal card into the appropriate slot, and went on my merry way – hiding the book behind a shelf on my way out of the library.

A week goes by. By now, Billy’s book is overdue. The library does what it does best, and sends out the overdue list to each classroom to remind the students that they have books out. The announcements are read, and then the list:

David .. City of Bones .. Janet .. Seven More Days .. Billy .. A is for Apple, B is for Banana .. ?!

Cue the riotous laughter of our entire class – Billy had taken out a book for little kids and then he didn’t return it! Haha! How hilarious! Billy loudly protested his ever having seen the book, the teacher looked on the chaos highly bemused, and I sat back in my chair laughing my fool head off.

Satisfied that my little trick had the desired effect, I fished the book out of its hiding spot later that day and returned it for “Billy”. I wasn’t out to get him in trouble; I just wanted him to be laughed at. And it worked!

Sorry about that, Billy.

I had an update all planned out in my head for this morning, but that was before I came within half an inch of death this morning.

If anyone sees a black Honda Civic with the BC license plate 913 ETV driven by a brunette princess or her bald, suited paramour, please kick their door in. Or spit on them. Or hell, maybe you could cut them off on the Stanley Park Causeway at a very high speed and give them that wonderful second of certainty that they are about to die and there is absolutely nothing they can do about it. If I’m at all lucky, their instincts will NOT kick in like mine and they might just die in a fire as I almost did this morning.

I almost threw up on my scooter – not because of my stomach bug, but because if I hadn’t tuned Oscar up last month I would be dead right now. That is not a good way to start any morning, let alone a Wednesday.

When I’ve calmed down, I will tell you about Billy.