Monthly Archives: May 2008

girl junk

Posted in relationship drama by

Contrary to popular belief, it is not at all enjoyable to wake up to a 22lb cat using your girl junk as a landing pad after his soaring flight through time and space. It’s a damn good thing I’m not a guy – had there been balls instead of just tender pubic bone, I probably wouldn’t be walking right now.

I am unusually tired. You can tell by my jaunty hat – to the untrained eye it appears as though I am making a bold fashion statement, but to those in the know, the sequined beanie hides a multitude of unwashed sins. I can (and did) spackle the foundation on in layers, but nothing short of a hockey mask would hide the enormous bags beneath my eyes. Caffeine is usually a treat, but today, it’s a fucking crutch.

The other day I formatted a couple of old USB drives I had lying around to give to others. One of them, I discovered, had been used extensively by Ed – I found multiple folders filled with pornographies. Busted! Unfortunately, in my hurry to lord my discovery over Ed and laugh at his preference for Suicide Girls with small breasts (sending me into a spiral of self-loathing and fear that he hates me because I don’t look like they do, but that’s an issue for another update), I copied the files to my computer. My work computer. Now, if anyone should check, they will find approximately 300 pictures of naked women on my hard drive in a folder named “Kimli”. Clearly, I am very smart and good at crime.

Man, am I tired.

the world ends with me

Posted in nerd by

Dear Enterprising Nerds:

Please create and sell small buttons based on the pins within The World Ends With You/What a Wonderful World, because I would totally buy some and wear them and then try to read your mind and/or fight you on the street.

Thank you.

Oh wait – I found some. Awesome! Now I will be even cooler than before!

I do not like processed cheese. I used to, when I was small and had terrible taste in food (I used to take all the toppings off pizza so it was just crust with sauce leavens, then put ketchup on it and go to town) but now that I am older and far more sophisticated, I can’t do it. I don’t eat cheeseburgers, either. I am That Person who holds up the line, waiting for my special order that does not have cheese or lettuce on it.

I thought about cheese for a good long while (it was a slow news day), and I came to realize that the only time I ever, ever eat processed cheese is when I get a McDonald’s breakfast burrito. It never occurred to me to order it without cheese; I just piled on the salsa and tried not take any obviously cheesy bites. Now that I’m completely aware of the cheese, though, I am having trouble with it. It’s just so .. prevalent. No amount of salsa can mask the nasty fake cheese taste. Gross.

My life would be so much easier if I wasn’t so picky about weird, weird things. Also, if I ate sandwiches.

I just found out that I have to scoot into Richmond today to get on my hands and knees in a filthy warehouse. Naturally, today is the day I decided to go against my gothy nature and wear white. I am so looking forward to this. Can you taste my joy?

I booked a meeting room at the Lab with for the purpose of “nap time”. I didn’t mean to press send, but I did – let’s see if they change their mind about yesterday’s “congratulations for making it through probation” meeting.

Okay, off to Richmond.

Hooray!

the flavour of suck

Posted in adventure, everyday kimli by

Best of Vancouver my ASS.

I am seriously tired of The Straight’s “Best of” list continually being wrong and/or disturbing. When we first moved to Vancouver, we didn’t really have any idea of what to eat, so we relied on the hip and cool local rag to steer us in the general direction of delicious. Time and time again we were disappointed in what was considered “the best” in any number of categories – either someone has been buying reader votes, or a lot of people have just plain crappy taste.

Two examples spring immediately to mind: year after year, Las Margaritas on West 4th has been voted as the best Mexican food in the city. Even allowing for extra generous points knowing that you really can’t get good Mexican food in Canada, Las Margaritas was *terrible*. Overpriced food, poor service, and the worst crime a “Mexican” restaurant can commit: bland food. Salsa has flavour, people. It is not just watered down ketchup. Even with our warnings, friends have gone to Las Margaritas to check it out for themselves and came away with the same verdict: holy shit, that was awful. It’s places like this that make me happy to drive over the border into Bellingham, Washington to dine at Mi Mexico, which has some of the finest Mexican food I’ve ever had. Fie on you, Las Margaritas. You are no good.

Example number two: Mr. Pickwick’s Fish & Chips. My parents instilled into me a love of halibut, and every once in a while I get a craving for some good old fashioned fish n’ chips. We’ve had success at places like the Cockney Kings, but it’s so far down East Hastings it’s a block outside of Port Moody and too far to get to from our home on the North Shore. Also good is Montgomery’s Fish n’ Chips in the Lonsdale Quay, and Ed really likes the fish from Charlie’s in Sinclair but I personally think their tartar sauce is kind of funky. My current favourite, though, is C-Lovers – reasonably priced, fast service, completely delicious and close to my house, so it’s a win all around.

For the sake of adventure this last weekend though, we decided to try out Mr. Pickwick’s. It’s usually voted as the best Fish n’ Chips in Vancouver, so we scooted to the Denman Street location for some dinner. Apparently, calling yourself a “bistro” and serving things on square plates means you can charge out the ass for your food. We tried the crab cakes for an appetizer. They were okay; nothing spectacular although they were plentiful for the price. The real crime, though, was the fish – while I am truly down with the irony of this complaint, the fish was *watery*. And overpriced. A standard 2-piece halibut and chips plate ran a good $8 more than any other place I’ve been to, and the quality was just not there for the price we paid. Ed and I can eat ourselves stupid at C-Lovers for $24 – our meal at Pickwick’s was $45 and nowhere near as tasty.

I’m done looking towards random strangers for the lowdown on decent food options. Seriously, any poll that has McDonald’s winning more than one category with no trace of the funny should just not be taken seriously. Fie on you, Reader’s Choice voters. Your taste buds are clearly made of stupid.

fish flakes from strangers

Posted in everyday kimli by

You’re in a Japanese grocery store, picking up some interesting snacks and candy to enjoy over the course of the weekend. Unable to read the packaging, you rely on images and proximity to determine what you’ll try. It’s a fairly fail-proof method, because groceries stores don’t generally shelve rat poison next to popcorn.

After selecting your Pocky flavours of the week, you spy a colourful package of mystery. Do you:

A) skip it, because you aren’t sure what’s in it and it could be gross
B) buy it, because it has Hello Kitty on it and you’re a sucker for anything cute
C) buy it, because every mystery food you’ve bought with Hello Kitty on it in the past has always had a toy in it and the toy is more fun than the food anyway
D) buy it, because it’s colourful and very cute and might have a toy in it and is sitting on the shelf in between some sour candies and some green tea Pocky, so it is obviously delicious
E) read the packaging carefully for a clue as to what it might be, therefore realizing that it is NOT candy but rather 40 individual packets of fish-flavoured rice seasoning

    If your answer is A, you are not very adventurous and quite possibly boring.

    If your answer is B, C or D, you are me.

    If your answer is E, what are you doing next week? Do you want to come to the Japanese store with me for some REAL candy and not fish flakes disguised as candy?

    Apparently, I accidentally purchased 40 packets of adorable Hello Kitty furikake. Judging by the pictures on the very cute little packets, the flavours (2 of each) are:

    • Airport security
    • Karaoke
    • Fire
    • Flowers
    • Carpentry
    • Art museum tours
    • Space
    • Rectal thermometry
    • Soccer
    • Dolphins
    • Bus driving
    • Bar graphs
    • Sushi
    • Hitting someone in the head with a baseball
    • Ice skating with raccoons
    • Hair drying
    • Science
    • Gluttony
    • Apple Umbrella Socks
    • Serving drinks to evil bears

    Mmmmm! I can’t wait to try these!

    a lonely little nerd

    Posted in everyday kimli, nerd by

    I miss my PC.

    Don’t get me wrong; I love my MacBook and I’m truly enjoying the whole “two monitors” thing – it feels like I am totally the future. I just miss all the little things that I can’t do without my PC – IRC, those stupid Shockwave games I play nonstop when no one is looking, browsing through my collection of naked people that I know. I miss my files; all my MP3s and pictures that I didn’t backup to my external drive. I miss the control key, damnit. I think this weekend I should go buy myself a new power supply (again) and get my computer back up and running. It’s high time I returned to a lifestyle of idling on IRC for weeks at a time, never saying a word!

    I am very tired today. I’ve slept poorly for two nights in a row, one night even featuring imaginary or possibly real cigarettes. I awoke at 2:30 in the morning because I smelled really strong horrible disgusting pipe clogging choking cigarette smoke, and it made me unable to breathe. I drifted in and out of sleep, but the smell was really strong and I was getting really concerned because my throat was closing up and breathing was not only difficult but painful – basically, what happens every time I have the misfortune to be around smokers. I eventually fell asleep, but my dreams were of violent confrontations with smoking hobos that I had poured water on from my fire escape in an attempt to douse their stink. The dream was really vivid, which led me to wonder – did I dream the initial cigarette stench that woke me up in the first place, or was someone really smoking in very close vicinity to my bed? The smell was REALLY strong, but Ed slept through it all. Was it real? Did someone sneak into my room and hide under my bed, smoking? One thing that I remember thinking strange was the strength of the smell, and the silence – usually when our neighbours sneak out for a late night smoke, they aren’t exactly discrete about it. They talk or sing or get into fights or make some kind of noise, but other than the stench there was no noise whatsoever. If I dreamed the entire thing, I would appreciate not having those sorts of dreams because frankly I really do enjoy being able to breathe. Also, I hate cigarettes. I am allergic, I do not enjoy cancer, and just .. eww.

    Josh and Shan are in Vegas. Miranda and Reilly leave for Cuba tonight. Ed and I have no plans this weekend, and I am excited – I can finally crack open GTA IV, I don’t have to wear pants, and there are many good things to be said about not dining out for 6 days in a row.

    i gone done some good deeds

    Posted in everyday kimli by

    Last night I did many (okay, three) good deeds.

    Josh, Shan, Ed and I went to the Queens of the Stone Age show at the PNE Forum. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t really want to go – I spent much of my day trying to find someone to use my ticket in my place. I asked half a dozen people, all of whom had other plans. Unable to find a replacement Kimli in time, I decided to just drug my headache into behaving and go anyway. We piled into the Delica and set off for musical glory.

    It was a good show. I don’t really have much more to say than that – while I appreciate QotSA, I’m not head over heels about them in any way. They sounded great and played a goodly amount and I didn’t get trampled in a mosh pit, so it counts as a win for me.

    As Ed had bought me an enormous Diet Coke and I have a bladder the size of a runted pea, it was inevitable that I would have to get up mid-set and make my way to the bathroom. I did just that, had my self an excellent pee, and headed back to the group. It was at that moment that I was destined to make someone’s night – I tripped over a wallet. I bent down to pick it up and immediately walked over to the first aid tent, holding out the wallet in case anyone wanted to chase after me saying HEY THAT’S MY WALLET OMG GIMMIE. No one did, so I peeked inside to see if there was a name. Robert, it seems, was in for a bad evening – I had his wallet.

    After handing it in to the first aid tent, I went back to the show. I was dissatisfied, though – it wasn’t enough that I found the wallet; I wanted to reunite it with its rightful owner. But how? The show was sold out and packed full of sweaty bodies, not to mention the darkness. It seemed hopeless. I looked around for anyone who might match the face I saw on the ID, but nothing. I did some wandering and people watching, but resigned myself to never taking my discovery that one creepy step further.

    But lo! Some time had passed since I found the wallet, and my eye happened to catch a security guard making his way out of the crowd with a guy in tow. I happened to overhear “.. n’ found over there”, so I did the only natural thing – I stalked the guy and watched him cross the empty side of the hall to talk to two old ladies stationed at the entrance. They shook their heads at him, and he turned to walk away. It was at this point that I decided I had nothing to lose, so I went up to him and asked “hey, are you looking for a wallet?” He was! I asked if his name was Robert. It was! I explained that I tripped over his wallet and took it to the first aid people, so we walked over there and he asked if they had it. They did! Robert was happy, I was happy, we exchanged a sticky half hug, and I was pleased that I was able to reunite the wallet with the guy who lost it. Yay! Being Nancy Drew is AWESOME!

    Oh, and when we got home, the Admiral’s car light was on. I tried the door handle, and it was unlocked. At least his keys weren’t in the ignition this time – I turned off his interior light, locked the door, and shut it. I am way too good a neighbour.

    Good deeds are fun!