Monthly Archives: July 2008

highly inappropriate

Posted in everyday kimli by

Being off the pill is *great*. My hormones are out of control! I kind of want to hump everyone and everything. I’m having recurring daydreams about being ravaged by strangers. I don’t really need to start taking birth control again, do I? What’s the harm in bad skin and the constant threat of babies when compared to being horny all the damn time? Seems like a no brainer to me. Hey, wanna make out?

I don’t really have anything else to say today. I could tell you a highly inappropriate anecdote about early morning fun and why I’m a $2 whore, but then Google might get mad at me. I still haven’t straightened out the “YOU ARE A SUSPICIOUS SITE” stuff, and it makes me sad that people are being told I am a malicious e-villain. I am not anything of the sort.

Today I am wearing heels, and as a result, I’m almost 4’ tall.

not an attack site

Posted in medical anomaly, nerd by

I promise I am not attacking you.

The reason Delicious Juice Dot Com is being flagged as an attack site is a long and sordid story:

http://www.deliciousjuice.com was hacked, and some nasty bad code was added to the content. This content would load viruses and set off alarm bells all over the place. Normally this would be a bad thing – and it is, really – but it’s not a catastrophic thing, and here’s why:

blog.deliciousjuice.com and http://www.deliciousjuice.com are hosted on different machines. However, the domain is the same – so while http://www.deliciousjuice.com is rightly flagged as a hazardous site by Google, blog.deliciousjuice.com is also flagged but is harmless.

Here, see for yourselves:

Google Diagnostic for www.deliciousjuice.com
Google Diagnostic for blog.deliciousjuice.com

See? One is bad; the other only looks bad because it hangs around with the Wrong Crowd but in reality it has a heart of gold and helps to feed orphans on cold winter nights.

http://www.deliciousjuice.com is offline for the moment, until it can be cleaned up. This might be a good time to attempt moving all my archives over to WordPress, but I’m daunted and exhausted just thinking about it because that’s 5.5 friggin’ years of textual cacophony to deal with. So, we’ll see.

I am a safe and family friendly website! I am not sending you viruses or spyware and I am not malicious in any way! Don’t believe the hype – I am not an attack site!

two ceet, one funt

Posted in medical anomaly by

It was a doctorial extravaganza ‘round these parts today, and I didn’t have to take my pants off ONCE.

I had an appointment with a new foot doctor today. The doctor himself is nice enough, but his office gives me the willies – it’s not the cleanest or most high tech of places, and his two assistants were fighting with each other when I arrived. If there were such a thing, I would think I had fallen in with back alley podiatrists. It was kind of off-putting, to say the least. The doctor seemed pretty cool, and we chatted for a bit. He is puzzled by my self-diagnosis of stress fractures, and I got the feeling he is attributing my constant pain and clicky feelings to the diabetes I don’t have. He’s sent me off to get some x-rays at some hole-in-the-wall x-ray joint, for which I need to make an appointment (which is another negative point – most doctors I’ve seen are in cahoots with the same series of labs, which are drop-in-and-wait setups). I haven’t decided if I’m going to go back to him, or to my other foot doctor who abandoned me to my own devices. He may have been neglectful, but at least his office didn’t look like our storage locker.

Since I wasn’t getting x-rays done then and there (I had planned my morning around the drop in visit), I decided to go to the regular medical clinic to see a random doctor. I was fully planning on announcing my surprise demand for an examination of my lady parts – SURPRISE! Look at my vagina! – but he seemed cranky and less than willing to whip out the speculum there and then. He did, however, provide an excellent out – after only a dozen or so cysts, some of which have burst in a horrible and painful manner reminiscent of the alien birth in Alien, I’ve been referred to a gynecologist. Finally! A vaginal expert! I’ll get a phone call next week to arrange an appointment, and my delicate flower will finally get the service it needs.

Dr. Cranky did refill my prescriptions though, so the anti-baby and anti-crazy trains can leave the station once again. I tried to get a year’s worth of crazy pills out of him, but he crankily said “you shouldn’t be on those for that long”. I didn’t feel any sort of desire to explain to him exactly why I SHOULD be on those for that long and what happens when I’m not, so I just accepted the 3-month refill and went on my way. Eventually I will get a real family doctor, and then I can lay out the truth behind my insanities and how those little beige and orange pills keep most of my demons at bay. Until then – three more months of sanity is nothing to sneeze at.

Also, I bought some carrots.

i like video games

Posted in nerd by

Since my phone number changed, I’ve been calling various places to update my record. One such place was the EB Games in Park Royal – sounds innocuous, but as I have 4 games on pre-order and they contact me by phone, it’s in my best interest to make sure they can get hold of me.

I called the store (yes, they’re in my phone as a contact – shut up) and explained that I have games on pre-order but a new phone number, and could they please update my info in their computer.

The EB guy said sure, and asked for my old number which I rattled off.

Then he *laughed* at me, saying “I knew it was you!”. We joked about my anal retentive video game ordering, he asked if I had an iPhone, and I somehow felt compelled to explain the beauty of mobile IGN reviews.

My number has been changed so I won’t miss out on any of my games, but *still*. I am beyond embarrassed (and yet somehow proud) that my reputation precedes me to such an extent.

bad time for holey underwear

Posted in everyday kimli, vroom vroom by

Things that go through your head seconds before you’re turned into road paste:

  • Oh shit, this is going to hurt
  • You could have worn the cute lacy pink panties today, but you HAD to wear that old, holey pair that says “kiss me” over the crotch – classy
  • Fuck, this is my favourite sweater – if they have to cut it off my corpse, I am going to be PISSED
  • Wait, I’m going to be a corpse – I guess I won’t be needing that sweater

I was almost killed this morning on Marine Drive, by an oblivious woman in a red rental car.

Scenario: I was behind her in the left lane driving down Marine. I was behind her for 3 or so blocks, enough to note that a) she was driving a new red Cobalt, b) it had stupid looking brake lights, c) it was a rental car from Enterprise, d) I wonder if she’s going to pick someone up or if that’s actually her rental car. Right around Marine and Mackay, I moved into the right lane. All was good. I scooted along happy as can be, doing my usual scoot n’ scan – watching the traffic around me as well as the road ahead. Right before Pemberton, I noticed the red car out of the corner of my eye. It looked like it was getting closer. Sure enough, the lady decided at the last second that she needed gas RIGHT NOW and moved from the left lane into the right lane – into ME.

I slammed on my brakes, with the aforementioned thoughts going through my head. I was too busy braking and trying to stay upright to honk. The road is lumpy at that intersection, and I almost lost control of Oscar while trying to keep out of the path of the car. I was certain I was going to crash into her rear passenger door – she was about an inch from my front tire when I managed to slow down enough to keep from hitting her. I was also sure I was going to end up under her car – if I hadn’t been able to keep Oscar upright, I probably would have slid under her rear tire.

She turned at Pemberton, then into the gas station. I too turned into the station, thinking she was terribly embarrassed and wanted to apologize for nearly killing me. I live in a dream world, though – the woman drove her rental car up to the pump, rummaged around in her purse, and got out to fill her tank.

I scooted up beside her, and waited until she got out of the car. The moment she was completely out, I let loose: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW CLOSE YOU CAME TO KILLING ME? YOU CHANGED LANES RIGHT INTO ME! WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING! YOU ALMOST KILLED ME!

Ever seen a person look like this? :O

She had absolutely no idea I was there. She had no clue she almost hit me, almost killed or seriously injured me, and almost needed that rental car insurance. NOW came the shock and horror I had expected moments earlier. She apologized, of course – she was so sorry, so very sorry. I slammed my visor down in disgust and rode off, aware and pleased that she was now getting stares from the other cars that had stopped in the area.

I hope I ruined her day. She certainly ruined mine – I *hate* starting my day out with near death experiences.

I am very proud of myself for three reasons, though:

  • I kept Oscar upright and myself alive
  • I didn’t swear when yelling at the woman who almost killed me
  • I didn’t kick her door panel in when I pulled up next to her (I probably would have if it wasn’t a rental)

I can’t wait to see what the rest of my Wednesday brings.

all day i dream about sex

Posted in everyday kimli, fuuuuuuuu by

I never wore Adidas shoes when I was a wee Kimli, but last weekend I found a pair that was green and orange and 73% off. They’re terribly comfortable and very cute, and as far as my 1987 self is concerned, I am incredibly cool.

Yesterday’s massive power outage in downtown Vancouver came within a ¼ block of The Lab, so we weren’t affected at all. I suppose this is a good thing, but on the other hand, BOO! I could have used the time off to, oh I don’t know, finally go to the doctor and have my lady parts examined so I can go back on the pill (that’s how stubborn I am, folks – I so badly do not want to open my legs for a random stranger that I’ve gone off the pill in protest) or maybe see a podiatrist to deal with the fact that I can’t sleep at night because my left foot/leg hurts so badly. You know, important things. Things I certainly don’t want to do on MY time. Pay me to maintain my health, damnit!

Speaking of random urine, I am SO SICK of looking out my window at home and seeing strangers pissing in the bushes across the street. It’s happened three times in the last two weeks, and it’s fucking disgusting. Guys, what is it about being male that compels you to whip out your dingus and whiz all over whatever’s handy when the urge strikes? Is this something all guys do? If so, why are they doing it across from MY window? I’m particularly disgusted by this because the bushes across the street happen to be blackberry bushes, and people (including us) enjoy picking the berries when they’re in season. I don’t know that I’ll be able to do that this year, knowing that the berries are very likely covered in skanky man piss. Fuck you, random pissers! I’d put up a sign asking you to not urinate in public, but I’m afraid you would just piss on that too.

Just .. eww.

hello, masses

Posted in nerd by

I did a lot of fast talking over the weekend, and the end result is that I, too, can haz iPhone.

I was a masterful spin doctor of lies and half-truths. The justifications were far-fetched and plausible only if you missed every second word I was saying. I made some concessions, talked up my hand-me-downs, and I am fairly confident there was wheedling. And lo – for all my efforts and thinking out loud, I have a wee flat phone that has been dubbed Teh Hellophone 2.0 (also known as iChing, because I am funny in my own head).

Some of the things I said in order to justify the purchase to myself and Ed (mostly Ed):

  • My productivity will suffer without it
  • This isn’t the gadget whore in me speaking, it’s common sense
  • We’d be able to completely rid ourselves of the Telus monkey on our backs once and for all
  • The 6 GB plan is a limited time offer! (this one is true)
  • If I go with Fido instead of Rogers, it’ll be slightly less evil – Fido has puppies and cute gay men making out whereas Rogers has 5 annoying everyteens as spokespeople
  • It has GPS – I’ll never get lost again! (note: I am famous for my built in DPS, and I never, ever get lost)
  • Four words: mobile IGN game reviews
  • I’m getting the 8gb model, not the 16gb – we’re saving $100!

There are cons, of course. My cell phone bill just went up by quite a lot (which is offset by the decrease in Ed’s phone bill, but still). If I move to the middle of nowhere, I won’t be able to get service – Fido’s network isn’t the largest in Canada. I had to pay a zillion dollars to get out of Ed’s Telus contract (I’m ignoring that for now). And perhaps worst of all: the iPhone has no spot for danglies. I LOVE my cell phone danglies. I have a great many of them, and now I can’t use them on my phone. Boo!

As you can see, it really does suck to be me.

I’m still excited, though. I just got my work email, calendar, and secret email accounts set up and it’s working marvelously. It really is a sexy piece of technology, and I’m glad I took the plunge. Yeah, I’m now just like everybody else in my trendy phone ways, but I think I can offset the drone syndrome if I make this (NWS!) my wallpaper.

I’m so edgy. Edgy and connected.

bacon makes everything better

Posted in medical anomaly by

That’s my hope, anyway. I either had a bad run-in with a razor blade, or a flesh-eating disease – there’s a small series of holes in my leg that are sore and not healing, so I’m trying to cure my wounds with bacon.

Get it? “cure”?

I’m funny when I’m diseased.

Also funny: showing Ed my spoils after an afternoon of shopping and receiving the following feedback: “That’s .. hm. It’s .. um .. yeah. It’s a shirt, alright.”

Hilarious!