Monthly Archives: February 2010

it’s toasty warm in sparta

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Before I write about last night, I must add a footnote to this post about the Vancouver 2010 app: GET IT GET IT NOW! Last night I was showing Shan (she of the woeful Blackberry) the app and gesticulating as though I were Darren. The next thing we knew, the app was DOING SOMETHING! I couldn’t figure out how it make it go again until I flailed a little – it was the shaking! Shaking your iPhone with the 2010Guide app running DOES STUFF! I won’t spoil it for you, but GET THE APP NOW AND THEN SHAKE IT. Seriously, I feel like fucking Edison over here. Hands down the best discovery I’ve made since that time I stumbled upon America when I was really trying to get to China instead.

Last night we warmed our house! We’ve successfully lived here for 7 weeks now, and figured it was time we had some friends over to check out the digs. I confess that it was extremely weird throwing a party in my own house instead of Miranda’s, but I think we pulled it off without a hitch. There were awesome people, so much cheese, and drinks a-flowin’. I had a great time, and even met some new people (I have a habit of inviting people I talk to on Twitter to things, forgetting that I haven’t *actually* met them – but what’s social media without a little bit of potential danger? Luckily, I’ve been mostly serial killer-free so it’s all good). Thanks to everyone who came out and those who sent regrets but regards – I hope you had as much fun as I did! One of the many highlights of the evening: watching people show Ed’s co-workers the gay porn. All MY friends and co-workers know about the gay porn, but this was the first time any of HIS people had been in our house – an education was had last night, and I really wish I could be their watercooler on Monday morning because HAHAH.

One of the joys of living in a house that wasn’t built in 1918 the convenience of modern appliances – we’re all but cleaned up, leaving the rest of the day to relax and eat leftover cupcakes. Hell, there’s enough beer and goodies left to throw a Super Bowl party, but this is Canada and I have far better things to do.

You’ll want to stick around this week, people. In addition to the Olympic excitement building at an alarming rate, there will be an upcoming post about Super Gonorrhea that you do NOT want to miss. Trust me on this.

Yay for excellent people and a fully warmed house!

love

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There is something overwhelmingly awesome about scooting to a show on a whim on a Friday night in the middle of winter.

I love this city.

astronautalis at the biltmore, 02/05/10

do the olympics in style

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  • Do you live in Vancouver?
  • Do you plan to be in Vancouver for the Olympics?
  • Do you what to know what’s going on in the city?
  • Do you not give a flying fuck about the Olympics at all, and want everyone to get out of your way?
  • Do you have an iPhone?

If you’ve answered yes to any of the questions above, you absolutely have to get this app:

it's officially official - officially!

Look for 2010Guide in the iTunes store. It’s a free app, and it is absolutely vital.

“But Kimli, didn’t you hear me? I don’t give a flying fuck about the Olympics! Look! Not one single flying fuck! I don’t give even a REGULAR fuck, let alone a fancy-ass flying one! What on earth gives you the idea that I would want or care about an Olympic iPhone application? That’s 6.3 MB better spent storing gay horse porn! You suck!”

If you’d just shut up for half a second, I’ll give you two very good reasons why you need this app regardless of your love (or lack thereof) for the Olympics:

  • It doesn’t just give sporting event schedules; it also covers every “cultural event” (aka big fucking party)
  • It will give you an excellent idea of where not to be during the Olympics, if you’re really gung ho on avoiding all the fun

note to self: avoid richmond

I downloaded this thing last night, and I have to say – I’m really, really impressed by it. It has schedules, event descriptions, maps, venues. Items are broken out by – City or Whistler – and by type – Sport or Culture. Even if you hate sports, you have to admit that the city is throwing one hell of a party:  every day during the Olympics there are dozens of different kinds of things going on all over the place, and most of them are free. Don’t want to go? Then don’t! Check the schedule to see that on February 14th at 6pm there are two large outdoor parties planned for Yaletown and Georgia@Beatty, so maybe that would not be the best time to go for your daily walk with a scowl on your face and your hands jammed into the pockets of your skinny jeans as you listen to The Smiths and think about how much life sucks.

There are several other Olympic apps available, but some cost money and others are too specific (there’s an app that’ll give the NBC coverage schedule on TV). For people actually in the city, you absolutely need to get this thing. It’ll save your ass, and think how useful you’ll be when you’re trapped on a bus in the middle of the day with 300 tourists who don’t know where the Luge events are.

Also, it’s pretty.

you should see the icon for the masturbation olympics

They even built in an RSS reader for Olympic news, a bunch of related Twitter feeds, and medal counts. Seriously, check this thing out. Whoever created this thing really deserves a pat on the back – it’s kind of awesome.

I’m starting to get excited. For your safety, I will let you know when I am about to lose control – and if you know what’s good for you, you WILL like it.

for science

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I recently volunteered to be a guinea pig for science. The fact that it got me a very cool piece of swag didn’t hurt, but I honestly did it for my fellow Canadians (and only a little bit for the personal gain).

We Canadians are far too often on the receiving end of Uncle Sam’s red-hot anal stick, delivered by way of the USPS. What costs $2 to ship across those United States will often cost us $30 or more, just because we happen to be on the other side of an invisible line. Over the years, I estimate that I’ve spent hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars for the privilege of boosting the American economy, lining the already-fat pockets of UPS and USPS.

Last week, I (gently; it’s broken) put my foot down.

Nerd Merit Badges released their 7th badge, and I wanted it. I think the idea of having merit badges for being a nerd is awesome and hilarious, and I already have the others – clearly I needed to get the new one to add to my sash. I added the item to my cart and clicked the checkout button for my total: $15.94

That doesn’t sound so bad – except the badge is $3.99, and the remaining $11.95 was for shipping a 1.5″ embroidered circle to Canada.

Oh HELLS no.

I whined on Twitter used social media to share my displeasure, and was quickly contacted by the man behind the nerd badges. We got to talking via email, and he asked for suggestions on how to get the goods to Canada for a price that won’t make people cry. Since the badges are small, I suggested just sending them in an envelope – the $0.88 shipping cost would be much easier to swallow than the fancy and largely unnecessary International Air Small Package Handled by Virgin Unicorns by the Light of a Full Moon postage rate. It was all for science, see – if the badge made it to Canada in one piece and was unmolested by customs on either side of the border, John would be able to offer cheaper shipping for Canadians who want to show off their nerd pride.

The experiment was a smashing success. $0.88 and 5 days later, I had the newest Nerd Merit Badge in my slightly clammy fist and did a victory jig in our lobby. Hooray! Hooray for SCIENCE!

By way of thanks, John asked that I take a picture of myself with the badges doing something “unutterably Canadian”. I spent most of last night nude, so a picture of ME was out – but I could easily do the rest:

true north strong and free

Here’s to you, John – your willingness to make your (awesome) products more accessible to Canadians is something that every merchant should aspire to!

I should totally get a lab coat.

the thought police live inside my head

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I’m not sure why this has come as such a surprise to me, but apparently there are rules – the IOC, in the interest of policing everything every person does, has released official “Blogging Guidelines” for anyone officially unofficially writing about the Vancouver 2010 Olympics.

The rules are surprisingly strict. For starters, we must abide by the Olympic Charter (which is in itself a scary-looking 105 page rule book that basically says “don’t do anything, ever”). Entries must be written in a journal or diary format, and cannot contain interviews or stories with or about Official Olympic People. We can’t disclose any confidential or private information, we’re not allowed to post audio or video clips, any pictures we take must not include any sporting action or ceremonies, and consent must be obtained to post pictures that contain people in them. For the love of god, don’t post a montage – especially if it’s set to music – because the IOC is not a fan of the talkies, and the moving images are startling to the faint of heart.

We can’t use the rings, or the mascots, or even the word “Olympic” unless it’s not associated with any third parties. For example, I can say “I’m going to the Olympics!” but I can’t say “I sure like these Olympic-flavoured onion rings I got at Johnny’s Sausage Shack!”. I can’t offer advertising or ask for sponsorship because of my Olympic posts, and I certainly can’t be paid for anything I write.

I can, however, advertise for anyone listed on the IOC Partner list – but it can’t be a pop-up ad or an expandable banner, and it can’t take more than 15% of the screen.

My domain can’t have the word “Olympic” in it, killing my dreams of “masturbating4olympicgold.com”.

The IOC encourages us to link to their own websites! However, I should note that I will be held personally liable for anything defamatory, obscene or proprietary. I am posting at my own risk and should make it clear that the views expressed here are completely my own.

And of course, my personal favourite paragraph:

In any event, blogs containing Olympic Content should at all times conform to the Olympic spirit and fundamental principles of Olympism as contained in the Olympic Charter, and be dignified and in good taste.

.. I am nothing if not known for my ability to conform in a dignified and tasteful manner.

The rules for Accredited Bloggers are set in stone, but it looks like those of us who are wholly not official are being encouraged to act with the same principles in mind. I will try, but I can already feel my dignity slipping away on a jizz-covered exposé on Olympian mating rituals.

Then there’s the issue of this:

breakin' the law breakin' the law

How many rules am I breaking here? Six? Seven? Whatever the answer, it’s obviously not enough.

I had actually planned to create the Olympic logo out of coloured condoms, but a) I don’t have any yellow ones, and b) it’s been done. Give me a bit. I’m still thinking.

Has the IOC gone overboard, or is the collective power of every hack with a blog really something to be feared and controlled with strongly worded PDFs?

don’t do as kimli does

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I don’t claim to be the smartest person you’ll ever meet, but sometimes I do things that are so bafflingly stupid that I honestly think I might be a danger to myself, if not others.

Yesterday, I had one of those moments.

Whether you’ve noticed it or not, Vancouver is gearing up for the 2010 Winter Olympics. We are T-10 days, and the entire city is abuzz with activity and intrigue. Security is at an unheard-of high – with the installation of 1,000 closed circuit cameras around the city, we are completely safe from everything except each other. Big Brother is likely watching you RIGHT NOW, so you should probably be on your best behaviour and don’t do anything to call attention to yourself.

Like, for example, accidentally leave a suspicious electronic device on public transit.

I made a post yesterday about being arrested, but as the Ministry of Love (miniluv!) hasn’t yet broken down my door, I may be safe.

What did I do? Well, at one point, I had several of these:

I bought them from ThinkGeek for Halloween, and they did the trick – creepy noises were made, and everything was hilarious and great. I kept one at the office well past October, mostly because I had forgotten about it. It started to die at some point, and it was then I discovered that it couldn’t be turned off – creepy noises were going to be made at random, and there was little I could do about it. Eventually, other people at work heard noises that shouldn’t be there, and asked that I deal with it – so I took it off my desk and made plans to bring it home.

It lived in my pocket for another few weeks, until yesterday. I found it in my pocket on the long ride into work, and spent much of the trip fiddling with it. I remember setting it on the window sill, using the magnet on the back to keep it from falling out of reach – and that’s it. The bus pulled up to my stop, and I hopped off to make my way to work.

Not really a big deal – I left a small mystery device on the bus in the middle of the biggest event this city has seen in many, many years when security is frighteningly high and watching us all with suspicious eyes, taser in hand.

What’s the worst that could happen?

No one has approached me yet to haul me off to Room 101, so I might be in the clear. It wasn’t intentional, just a stupid mistake – but what a thing to mistake, and what a time to do it. Take my advice, kids – don’t play with random electronic things, and if you do, try not to leave them in a public place in the middle of the Olympics.

That would just be stupid.

(please don’t tell on me)

officially unofficial

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There is no part of being stuck on a bus for an hour that is not awesome.

Except for all of it.

I am filled with trepidation and urine – the Olympics don’t start for another 10 days, and it’s already getting crazy in the core. I woke up early on purpose and took a bus that would have gotten me to work with plenty of time to spare – except the bus was late, the traffic was ridiculous, and things broke and caused a conga line in Gastown. I’ve been waiting for the weather to make up its mind one way or another so I can scoot, but I’m starting to think that this won’t be as foolproof a plan as I had hoped. Maybe I’ll just try to look crazy. Everyone always avoids the crazy person.

While I’m not doing anything for the Olympics in any sort of official manner, I WILL be blogging throughout the event. I’m accredited as a “Social Reporter”, which is not as fancy (but much more fun) as it sounds – but I get to make a badge and pretend I’m media, so that will be fun. Also, I’m one of the few people who can deliver Olympic observations with the sheer irrelevance they deserve, so clearly you should stick around.

I haven’t decided if I’m getting excited about the event yet, but I DID take the 12th off of work. I’m planning on just .. hanging out. I want to see what goes on downtown. The opening ceremonies don’t start until 5pm, but I imagine a whole lot of people will be arriving on that day. If the weather cooperates, I’m planning on scooting around town and watching the fun.  Maybe I’ll get arrested! I’ve been trying awfully hard, but The Law hasn’t caught up to me yet!

*ahem* I don’t really care about sports, but maybe this will be worth watching after all.

nothing to see here

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No, really. Thursday through Saturday was exciting, what with the corpses and button making and all, but Sunday was really nothing to write about: Ed and I did some errands, I napped and dyed my hair (not at the same time; that would be messy) and then I played some video games. A dull Sunday, but a relatively productive one. There’s salmon in the fridge for tonight’s dinner, for example, and we are fully stocked with a startling variety of cheese for this Saturday’s house warming party.

I have been informed that I must wear white next Monday to attend a top-secret-no-cameras-allowed-I-probably-won’t-be-allowed-to-write-about-it-but-I’m-gonna-anyway Olympic Event. This is an issue – I don’t own very many white things, and those I do own are predictably inappropriate. I’ll have to improvise something, but what? And why do we have to be all sanitized, anyway? The email gives an intriguing “you’ll understand why when you arrive”, so I am afire with curiosity and herpes. I’ll play along, just to see what the deal is. I can abide by the rules for at least that long.

Oh, that reminds me – I might be getting arrested later today. If I don’t update tomorrow, please send me some bail money.