nothing is certain but laundry and taxes

I don’t know why, but I had the *filthiest* dreams last night. They all took place in Victoria, and involved uncut deep throat sword fighting in a parking lot and furious sex with casual crushes. It was pretty fun, from what I remember. Sex with no strings attached is significantly better than my standard of many strings with no sex at all, parking lot or otherwise.

I got a brow wax at noon, and I have a haircut scheduled for later this afternoon. I need to look good for my plans this evening: laundry and taxes. I OWE taxes for the first time ever, so I’m subtly thumbing my nose at the government by waiting until the last possible minute to file. Take that! Yeah, you fear my power.

The Hour is coming to Vancouver, and that means George will be here. George is everyone’s boyfriend (funny aside: I was planning on calling him that because EVERYONE I know has a crush on him, only to find that he’s actually listed as “Canada’s Boyfriend” on his CBC bio), and the locals have been abuzz with anticipation and wet dreams. I entered the lottery for tickets yesterday, and today found out that I got the four tickets I had requested. On May 18th, Shan, Miranda, Renee and I will be in the audience for the first of two shows taping in Vancouver. Hooray! George is super and dreamy!

Tomorrow I am planning on wearing polka dots with pinstripes. Sorry.

i am nothing but wrinkles and eyeliner

feral cow

There is something so deliciously trashy about wearing a leopard print bra – I feel like I should be at a truck stop wearing short shorts and a cowboy hat. It’s good that my ability to live in a fantasy world is so strong, because if I were to be completely honest I would have to acknowledge that my bra is a black and white print which is technically more cow than cat – but there is nothing sexy about a feral cow on the prowl. Hilarious, yes. Sexy, no.

I don’t want to alarm you or anything, but my Google search bar in Firefox reads “using quicklime to dissolve human flesh”. These are the things I research when I’m bored or grumpy.

It’s a 3-day weekend for me, but it doesn’t feel like it. I’ve got a wedding tomorrow and Got Craft on Sunday, which I know from experience will completely wipe me out. I took Monday off to a) recover and b) finalize my presentation for Northern Voice. I plan to be completely prepared for next weekend by Monday night, which means getting my slides and notes in order, prepping the Mystery Surprise, getting my party outfit together, and keeping my sanity. I’ve also got a doctor’s appointment and the opera to fit in there somewhere – should be fun, crazy times.

I’m really excited about my new Smutton display. I finished it last night, along with a display for the necklaces I made (most of which seem to be bird themed for some strange reason). I need to make some new signage, but I’m ready for Got Craft. I hope the new display will make it obvious that people need to OPEN STUFF to see the dirty things; you’d be shocked and dismayed at how many people just didn’t get it even with all the 36-point-bold instructions and arrows.

I did not get pulled over by the police this morning, so I will consider the day a win.

no good very bad week

Downtown smells like fried onions and reluctant marriages.

I am having a very, very bad week. It’s so bad that it’s overshadowing the fun I had in the first three weeks of April, which didn’t suck out loud. There was so much fun this month – parties, pot cookies, fancy times with famous designers, having a blast as the Opera Ninja, boobs, pubic service announcements and fund raising for breast cancer, hilarious stalkers bearing delicious juice, America, porn, photo shoots, 20th anniversaries, interviews – that it is hard to process the depth of horrible bad times that the last few days have been. I don’t enjoy the bad. I exist solely to have fun, and time spent dealing with police and broken hearts and drunk people and ruined vacation plans is all time that could be better spent having good times.

Okay, that last sentence was intentionally melodramatic. Truthfully, none of the four Big Bad Things are related to one another at all:

  1. I got pulled over by the police on my way to work this morning and received a $109 ticket for riding Lola in a bus lane (totally my fault, but I’m still upset about it)
  2. .. I don’t know that I’m ready to write about this one just yet
  3. Monday’s #YVRboobquake event was fun, but I had to deal with my number one social anxiety: drunken strangers. The organizers of the event at the VAG bailed because of the ridiculous number of men with cameras that showed up just to see some tits, and brought a bunch of people to my event at the pub. This was great, except people kept looking to me as the organizer and there were some very .. enthusiastic drunk guys in the group who wanted attention and conversation and hugs and boobs. Contrary to the crazy exposed social life I’ve been living these past few months, I still am extremely shy and introverted when faced with uncomfortable situations – and man, was I uncomfortable. My friends had to rescue me more than once when I managed to make panicked eye contact their way. I think I handled everything okay and I think I’m past the point where an experience like that would make me want to hide in my living room and underpants for weeks on end, but I didn’t like it and it really tested my abilities to be around strangers.
  4. Ed works in a group of 3 in his office. Two of his coworkers planed a vacation to Vegas together without telling him, and it’s the same time as our trip to the coast. Hell was given and people feel bad, but the end result is my vacation being cut short to accommodate for other people’s asshattery; people I don’t work with or really know at all and it sucks a whole great big pile of balls. I was already annoyed that we can’t take our trip in May because of Ed’s job, and now my vacation is being cut SHORT because of his coworkers? Yeah, I think you can guess how I might feel about that. Hint: it isn’t good.

I know most of this will pass, and in the grand scheme of things, isn’t that big a deal. All of this has happened in the last 3 days though, and it’s a lot of chagrin/heartache/anxiety/rage to take in all at once. I have a limit, you know. I think I may be at it.

yes, i needed this

officer 0371 is a dick

Well, now I’m too poor for ale OR whores:

up yours, parking jerks

You should come to Got Craft on Sunday and help me pay off my parking debts by buying some Smuttons. The new batch is especially filthy, too – the donated porn I got from Nelson is of a much more depraved quality than I had available previously, so you too could be wearing things on your person that could get you arrested if worn in mixed company in most of the Commonwealth and all 50 states.

crazy people need not apply

I am quite convinced that the week leading up to tonight’s full moon has ramped up the crazy, and I am terrified that everything is going to culminate tonight in an orgy of what the fuck.

Things are not usual around here. Crazy is oozing back out of the woodwork after several delicious months of radio silence, and doesn’t seem to realize that its crazy opinions, crazy advice, and crazy passive aggressive digs aren’t welcome, wanted, or the least bit sane. My personal relationships are off-kilter due in part to a baffling – some might say crazy – lack of sensitivity and compassion. Employers are going crazy with mixed messages and ridiculous conflicting policies, causing headaches and confusion and a little bit of rage. How far will all this insanity go? How much worse can it all get before the smoke clears and a hand pops out of the earth as the credits roll, indicating a sequel?

I am not immune to the seductive lure of the crazy, either. Something has been poking out of my gums since Saturday, and naturally I immediately assume it is either a) cancer or b) an alien implant. I tried to get it out and only succeeded in making myself bleed all over everything – but it’s gone now. I didn’t get it out and it was definitely there, so where did it go? I don’t recall being abducted and operated on, but I DID spend most of yesterday in a haze and underpants. Did someone remove the implant, or bury it deeper in my skull? These are important things, and I feel like I have a right to know. Does anyone have an x-ray machine I can borrow?

I’ve been spending my evenings split equally between cram crafting in preparation for this weekend’s Got Craft and playing stupid Shockwave games that have me watching tiny people run around and repeatedly wash their hands for hours on end. I tried to make it interesting by giving them obscene names and forcing them to procreate so I can use their children to pick up random items for science and cash, but it’s a pretty lost cause. The two games did create a sudden urge to play the Sims, but I am wisely holding off on the installation until after Got Craft and Northern Voice, at which point I hope that I will have grown long tired of lording over tiny idiots who can’t take care of themselves.

Speaking of Got Craft, you should come out this Sunday. Miranda and I will be there along with 50+ other vendors of assorted awesome. I’ll be selling Smuttons, necklaces, and if I can get enough motivation tonight (and assuming all the crazy doesn’t implode on me), some rings and things. I finally got my shipment of things from Hong Kong, and have some Grand Ideas that may or may not manifest into reality. I’m looking forward to playing with glue tonight. If things get really bad, I can always sniff at it until the crazy goes away.

must stop myself from turning Lola into a flower garden


We didn’t cause an earthquake, but the Lower Mainland was battered by a wind storm complete with a fairly epic downpour. I don’t mind taking credit for that, so we’ll just assume that there weren’t quite enough boobs on display and we failed at science a little. I don’t mind – I’m not entirely sure if our insurance covers earthquakes – but it was an interesting day. Boobs were out, some neat people were met, we collected money for breast cancer research, and I didn’t completely lose my mind when faced with my number one social anxiety. Can’t really ask for much more than that, can we – it would be greedy to expect otherwise.

These are all the words you get today. I’m in the middle of an existential crisis – details of which will inevitably be spewed forth uncontrollably like that time when I almost typed something really gross and out of character – but right now, I’ve got nothing.

Here is a picture of my cat:

take back the conference

Mommy-blogger-only contests annoy the hell out of me. What, I’m not good enough to whore myself out for free things simply because I don’t have children? Yes, there are definitely some mother-oriented giveaways like breast pumps or daycare or Lamaze classes or Xanax, but what about the other “mommy bloggers only” giveaways of fun things that non-mothers might also enjoy? Why segregate and glorify one tiny piece of the online population for only doing what, some say, we’re on this planet to do? Why are you punishing my choice to not procreate by denying me the chance to win free stuff?

In response to the very thing that ignited my righteous indignation – a giveaway for a 2-day Northern Voice pass that only mom-bloggers are eligible for* – I am offering a giveaway for a 2-day Northern Voice pass of my very own. Leave a comment below to enter, and I will draw the winner on Tuesday, May 4th.

Can you imagine the outrage and horror if someone held a contest that was for non-moms only? The noise the blogosphere would generate would be deafening and full of indignant ire. And yet, I desperately want to do just that – restrict my contest to non-breeders only – but then I would be a hypocrite who is stooping down to dangerous levels I am not comfortable existing in. I’d like to think I’m better than that (but clearly not above talking about what I wish I could do even if it makes me look bad), so there are no restrictions on my contest whatsoever. You can enter even if you have children, I suppose. See? I am so very noble and magnanimous, even when I am throwing a hissyfit.

So, if you’d like to attend the annual Vancouver blogging conference and biggest nerd party of the year, leave a comment below. The prize is a 2-day pass for Northern Voice, paid for out of my very own pocket, and all because I am annoyed to hell and back at the idea of a “mommy blogger only” contest. Blogging isn’t just for the childful or childfree, it’s for EVERYONE – just like Northern Voice itself.

Disclaimer: contest prize does not include transportation, accommodation, or happy ending. You don’t have to live in Vancouver to win, but as I will not be helping you get here, it would probably help. Remember, everyone deserves love – not just one part of the population. We at Delicious Juice Dot Com think you are all equally ridiculous in all ways, and therefore do not discriminate against those with children or those without, regard of where our personal preferences may lie.

Spread the word!

*: I’ve heard from the Crunchy Carpet blog, and have been told that the contest ISN’T mom-bloggers only. And yes, nothing on the post I linked to says moms only. All my righteous indignation, misplaced or not, came from Twitter – the contest was being advertised and re-tweeted by others as “Vancouver mom bloggers – win a two day pass for Northern Voice #NV10. Just visit @CrunchyCarpets blog and comment“. I’m sure you can see how that might be misconstrued by people who like to get angry about random things as “moms only”, but I stand corrected – and the end result is that there are now TWO contests open to anyone for a 2-day pass to Northern Voice, so everyone wins!

Except really, only two people will win.