Vancouver is looking for a Poet Laureate! It’s a three-year position (title?) that pays a stipend of $5,000 per year. It’s not at all about the money, though – it is a Big Deal to be a Laureate of something. I’ve never been a Laureate, and while I don’t exactly meet the requirements to hold such a lofty position in the literary world, I figure it couldn’t hurt to apply. After all, I can poem. I used to poem all the time in high school, when my thoughts were deep and my allusions to my soul being dark as the moonless night sky rained heavily on my tear-streaked journals.

The eligibility criteria for the Poet Laureate position does suggest that some of your work be related to Vancouver, so in the interest of meeting the few criteria I’m actual capable of, I give you: POETRY!

vancouver (the limerick)

there once was a man on east hastings
not bogged down with logic or things
he darted through traffic
his demise was quite graphic
and now we have a speed limit of 30km/h, as if that’ll stop people from waltzing into the road all the damn time

vancouver (the haiku)

i love this city
mostly because i ignore
the triceratops

vancouver (the freestyle rap)

british columbia, y’all

6th to exist and named by the queen
we’ve got epic vistas like you’ve never fucking seen
our women are allowed to walk around topless
titties and weed, but there’s no need to obsess
we got enough to go around, don’t be so greedy
we’ll riot in the streets; our underbelly can be seedy
it’s a city of contrasts stuffed with hipsters and the rich
longboards and BMWs for all, both dripping with kitsch
yoga pants are high fashion with the small purse dog set
laugh all you want, they’re not in on the joke yet
we hosted the Olympics and we almost had the Cup
(we don’t talk about all the goals Luongo gave up)

the lower mainland
is so fucking grand
give yourselves a hand
you’re standing on crown land

Yeah, I’ve got this Laureate thing in the bag.