I’m totally straight edge now. You can tell by my new name; xKimlix: the Xs mean I am straight edge, but only as far as drugs, alcohol and tobacco go. I will still eat meat and dairy, use prescription drugs, mainline caffeine and have as much promiscuous sex as I can buy, so I’m not hardcore or anything. And I never drank anyways, so it’s not like I’m changing very much. And I did drugs an average of .25 times a year since the age of 18, so this isn’t going to be some sort of epic life change. In fact, it can basically be boiled down to one truth: no more pot cookies. Especially if Mike made them. I may just want to stay away from Mike altogether – there may be a contact high from his hugs. He is a dangerous man. I’ve seen his suitcase.

Thanks to my constant tweeting, Instagram, Ali’s pictures and the vague, uncomfortable answers from Ed, I’ve managed to piece together my last 48 hours. My arms feel like I wrestled an aligator and lost, there’s a bruise on my forehead I’m told came from dropping my iPhone on my face, and thanks to literally the last thing I did before the world went insane (pulled out my laptop and wrote a page of content), I know I was date raped by a 4-year old.

BEST NEW YEAR EVER!

No, seriously. My Incredibly Bad Decision and the Awkward Aftermath aside, NYE was incredible. I felt things I’ve never felt before for noodles; died and went to Beef Heaven, and gave serious thought to bathing in oysters. Doug and Ali threw a party to top all parties, and the four of us (Josh and Shan came with) had a blast. More on the party itself later; I’ve got a thesaurus full of adjectives to use to describe beef – but I just thought the internet would like to know that I have come down now. I am totally normal, like always. Let the rest of the year begin!

i remember this part

Everyone starts a new year hoping to experience new things, but if everything I experience in 2012 is as confusing as my first Tripping Balls, I think I will ask 2011 to come back for a while longer.

I haven’t heard the whole story – or the recording they tell me they have – but I am fairly certain balls were tripped really hard, and I am sore all over.

There may have been grinding. I think I Tweeted it. In fact, I think I tweeted a lot of things.

I believe there is still a ball or two that have yet to fully trip. Is this what ‘Nam feels like?

No one will tell me if this is real.