Backstory: A long time ago, we used to get bored and buy Penthouse Magazines for the articles and also the naked ladies. Our main source of hilarity came from the Penthouse Forums, where men would write in with their retelling of fantastic sexual encounters that they stumbled into by total accident on a weekly basis; hot women falling onto their 9.5″ johnsons with alarming frequency and fiery passions.

One particular issue I bought in the summer of 1994 had a recurring theme in the Forums letters – every second letter seemed to be about food in addition to the wild hot sex being had by every Penthouse reader across America. Sex with food isn’t that interesting or crazy; people have been getting down with chocolate and whipped cream and cucumbers since the dawn of time.

Some people always have to go too far.

Three of the stories in this Penthouse issue were so over the top and hilarious and distubing that I transcribed them into a text file to share with my friends. I still have this file – it’s survived numerous computers and reformats and upgrades. Here, then, for your .. pleasure .. are three Penthouse Forum stories from 1994 that were so memorable that they still get quoted to this day:

I have an enlightening experience to relate to your readers. After reading about and trying some of your ways of jacking off, I have found my own unique way.

I put a banana into an empty blender, then I add a good amount of rum. I turn the blender on and mix until the concoction is mildly chunky. Next, I insert my hard cock into the blender and turn it back on – slowly at first, then faster (those of you who are especially large, watch out for the blades at the bottom!)

The first time I tried this, I found it to be the most electrifying experience I ever had, and I came like I’d never come before! My wife loves to lick me clean, then we share the enriched drink. It tastes like no other.

— Name and address withheld.

I was always afraid of writing to “Forum” about what turns me and my girlfriend on, because I always felt that it was a bit perverted. But after reading this magazine, I’ve come to the awareness that nothing is perverted.

When my girlfriend doesn’t feel like cooking dinner, which recently has been practically every night, I stop off at McDonald’s and buy four Big Macs. Two are for dinner, and the other two help give us sexual pleasure.

After eating, we take the Big Macs into our bedroom, undress, and get into bed. My girlfriend takes one Big Mac and spreads the special sauce on my cock. Then she takes the all-beef patties, forms a tube around my dick with them, and proceeds to jerk me off. I just can’t describe how great my orgasms are because of the unique texture of the patties.

While she’s doing this, I grab the other Big Mac. I make a simple dildo out of a patty and jerk her off with it, using the sauce as lubricant. Lately, she hasn’t needed the lube, because she comes just *looking* at a Big Mac.

After we’re both finished, we lick each other clean. I wonder if any other people enjoy this type of sex. If not, I would seriously recommend it to everyone.

— Name and address withheld.

I have just begun receiving your magazine, and I am extremely glad I that do! I was getting worried that I was some sort of sick pervert, until your magazine brought me to the realization that what is fun is right. The letter that I was glad to see was from a man who described the enjoyment he and his wife received from the use of Big Macs as sexual tools. I also have a food fetish that gives me great pleasure. I live in a dormatory on a large college campus where one of the most common foods is pizza. One night, when my roommate was out on a date, I ordered a large pizza (cheese only), and I had eaten half of it when I got a wild idea. I laid the still slightly warm pizza on my bed and got undressed, then I slowly lay down on the warm, gooey cheese surface of the pie. I proceeded to move back and forth until I was just about to cum, then I raised myself up and saw and felt the gooey cheese “fingers” still clinging to my erect penis. I had the best climax I ever had. Now, at least once a week, I order a cheese pizza and truly enjoy myself!

— Name and address withheld.

If Fast Food Nation didn’t cure you of your urge for junk food, perhaps these will.

This post is for Monica Hamburg and the good folks on Twitter, who practically dared me to post them. You people ought to be ashamed!

:)