By now, the first round of Delicious Juice Pot Balm samples have made it to their new homes. I’ve had a few bits of feedback and a request to actually purchase some, but I haven’t thought that far ahead. I did screw up, though: the last-minute addition of a new recipe – Multi Purpose Tingle Juice – had me so focused on the fun of packaging that I forgot to include the actual THC content in the printout I wrote up. It never actually crossed my mind at all, because the lip balm and salve, while potent, would require you to swim in it to get blasted – you don’t really absorb that much THC from topicals. The MPTJ, on the other hand, is a straight-up buttload (metric) of weed infused into an oil, and depending on how you use it, could get you seriously high. We eventually remembered math, and calculated the MPTJ to contain 32mg of THC per 5ml vial. I also didn’t think to count the number of sprays you get out of the vial, and I shipped out every one I had so I can’t even count squirts. I AM BAD AT DETAILS.
Except I’m actually really GOOD at details, and I’m annoyed with myself that I didn’t think of this stuff before I sent the packages out. I’m designing new labels – my original ones are great, but they’re too big for the packaging I settled on – and I will make sure to at least include the product strength in the handout.
So, Round 2! Yes, there’s gonna be a Round 2. I have an idea for a fun THC-infused kit – the working name is the Halfwack Harlot Weekender Kit, please feel free to suggest something better – that I’m working on. I’m going to make up a new batch of things later this week and I am SUPER EXCITED about all the messes I’m going to make and the potential for fun sexy times (which will lead to messes of an entirely different sort).
I also realized something about this entire thing: basically, I’m playing shop. I’m creating a product line and labels and packaging and I am having a grand old time. Actually selling this stuff? Ehhhh if it happens, it happens. If not, there will still be pot balms in cute tins with adorable labels and questionable inserts, because I still want to MAKE things but .. y’know, give it away to people. Here, try these things I made! They are silly! I made STICKERS!
It’s a weird, expensive hobby that I am not entirely certain is legal – yes, cannabis is legal in Canada, but there’s an entire .. thing around making products for bodies with controlled substances that I know nothing about, and my brain is too full of things to want to go down that rabbit hole. I want to play with weed and oil and butter and Photoshop, not do legal paperwork stuff. That’s boring. I don’t want a boring, paperwork hobby. I just want to make people high and moist.
So, the signup sheet will be open again soon. I still don’t want to take money for these things, but I might open a tip jar or something to help cover the cost of packaging and postage. I am not good at this part. I just want to make stickers and messes.
I’ve been using my large stores of weed to experiment with making lip balm and salve. It’s super fun and messy and I like playing with ingredients to come up with new smells and flavours. It’s science! WEED SCIENCE!
That being said, I am only one person with one body. I cannot possibly use all the balm and salve I’ve been making by myself. That’s where you guys come in!
Starting in a week or so, I’ll have sample jars of the stuff I’m making (lip balms, a salve, hopefully a lotion-type-thing) available for anyone who wants to be my guinea pig. The jars are pretty tiny, but I’ll also have a few normal-sized things for people to try.
The main thing to note is that I am NOT SELLING THIS STUFF. I’m making it for fun, and sharing the excess with my friends. I’m happy to mail you some balm or salve (or both!) if you’d like to try it (within Canada only, I’m afraid – I really don’t want to get busted for international mail crimes). Everything is hand made in my kitchen using BC weed, organic ingredients, and probably a bit of cat hair. Not everything includes all of the ingredients on the list – for example, the salve doesn’t contain mica – but it’s all listed. I can even take pictures of the ingredients I’m using, if you’re curious.
I’ll make a post when I’m able to start sending out samples. If you have any allergy concerns, maybe sit this one out (or ask, and I can attempt a different flavour essential oil or some shit). Again, I’m not selling these and I’m not certified as anything beyond “hobbyist who likes making messes”, so don’t treat this as a product you’re buying. It’s a sample! A free sample, because I love you!
The first batches of stuff I made are hilariously potent, and the salve makes an incredible nipple balm. Just sayin’.
So, some backstory. As you might know, I spend most of my free time on my balcony, cultivating my new lifestyle as a cannabis aficionado. While the actual weed part is all fine and good, I find I’m far more excited about all the collecting and categorizing and displaying I get to do: tiny jars are absolutely my jam, and there are a lot of them. Not every provider labels products the same way, so I’m left with a disorganized assortment missing the important information that goes into making an informed choice about the strain you’re about to enjoy. This lessens my fun a little, because I like order. Organized order, with shelves and codes and coloured jars, and shit.
I also like electronics, and needlessly complicated solutions to problems that aren’t really problems at all.
Yeah, you know where this is going.
Over the past week, I’ve been wracking my brain to think of how I can display information about what strains are currently being smoked, which bong they’re in, and what’s in the grinders, in addition to knowing what is in each unlabelled stash jar, and what’s on hand as part of our (Ed started it, I’m just here to complicate things) collection.
I have the Raspberry Pi and Hyperpixel display I set up as a Sonos album cover display last summer, but I couldn’t find any projects online that would do what I want. I thought about making a Twitter account that just tweeted the weed information I sent to the account, but nothing seemed quite right. The following list of ideas were tried and discarded:
Setting up the Raspberry Pi as a Twitter board
Setting up an Android tablet as a Twitter board
Using iPhone widgets to display a single Twitter account
Use a whiteboard
Set up a wall iPad that displayed a Google Doc
.. none of those worked. The Twitter account idea seemed solid, but when I tried it I didn’t like the character limits – and I’d have to mentally remember which tweets were out of date and which were still valid. Using a whiteboard was probably the easiest solution, but I don’t like easy and I have ridiculously large handwriting so I’d have to basically make a chalk wall that Ed would just draw dicks all over so that idea was out. Also, it turns out there ARE no iPhone widgets for Twitter, and the ones I tried (Aviary and Twidget) weren’t great: one wants to show a random selection of your entire timeline, and the other made me log into the separate account I made (@halfwackhoots, although I’m probably going to delete it soon) every day. Using Twitter as a public message board would technically work, but it wasn’t the most attractive application of my idea.
I needed to think bigger.
Like, digital signage bigger.
Obviously I don’t want a billboard for my balcony, but what about a small screen? All I really need is something that can play a slideshow of images, and accept them from a wireless source. Something like .. a digital picture frame.
I found a small, wireless digital photo frame that I can send pictures to with an app. I’ve been spending most of my free balcony time not smoking cannabis, but making little posters of our collection and what we’ve been using, so there’s no more guess work about what you set up last night but can’t remember in the light of day. I have minimal graphic design skills, but I have another app that provides me with thousands of templates so I just pick something that looks cute and then waste an evening making dumb little signs:
It’s not a perfect system. These cards have a limited shelf life in that the text expires, so when we’ve finished with a particular strain or bowl and change to another, I need a new poster. I can’t imagine I’ll be doing this every single time, but for now that’s exactly what I’m doing and it’s the stupidest thing ever but it makes me laugh every time.
Stop on by the Halfwack Smoke Shack! We have a great selection, no prices, and many cats to pet!
I really need to teach myself Swift so I can make the organization apps I want but don’t exist. I’d like an app that allows you to track the strains you’ve tried and how you liked them, then suggest other strains you might enjoy based on your list. This exists for craft beer and wine, but not for cannabis. I’d also love an app that I could insert some text and have it generate me a poster and automatically send it to the frame. I can’t control the contents of the frame remotely, so when it’s time to hide a poster because it’s no longer in use, it’s a manual process to hide it via the frame’s UI.
I’m still working on a poster that shows the contents of the unlabeled stash jars, and one for the No Fun Box (we don’t often find strains that are a no-go but there are some. they’re kept in the “polite company” airtight container.) At this rate, I’m going to get really good at early Web 2.0 graphic design. If this whole tech writing thing doesn’t work out, maybe I can fall back on posters.
I’d say I need a new hobby, but that’s what led to this. At least it’s not a spreadsheet.
This may come as a shock to some of you, but I have problems with anxiety.
No, really. I know I’ve had major anxiety episodes in the past, but in my head I had equated “anxiety” specifically with those actual, textbook panic attacks. I think there was even a paper bag involved, once.
It’s only recently that I’ve realized I’ve suffered from some significant anxiety this ENTIRE TIME – like, if I thought I’d been going from 0 – 10 to rate those attacks at a 6 or 7, but I’d actually been going from 5 – 14 the entire time – and I’m just starting to understand how and why I’ve been feeling so .. introspective lately. This is going to sound exactly how it sounds, but I’ve been figuring out the insanely buried truths behind some fundamental aspects of who I am, and it. is. fucked.
Two specific examples from the last 3 months sort of kicked this all off. I have had full-on sobbing in a heap ugly cries borderline hysterics that were really unusual even for me lately, and I’d been thinking about them: a) when my bloodwork came back from a routine checkup was so bad that I was sent to Every Specialist including a cardiologist and had to do multiple overnight tests and my upcoming echocardiogram, and when I received the letter from BC Health saying I qualified for an early COVID vaccine because I’m extremely clinically vulnerable. Both times, I melted the fuck down entirely. I sobbed so long and hard I gave myself the hiccups. I was a snotty, horrible, mess for hours. It sucked.
It wasn’t until I read this article that it dawned on me that my extreme reactions to potentially unsettling – like, not even actually unsettling, but something that might turn out that way later – medical things isn’t just a run of the mill worried about the spectre of death sort of thing, but actual PTSD from my 2.5 Major Medical Issues in the last several years.
I know I pretend to be a smart person, but I am really quite dumb. The article and existence of medical trauma make perfect sense to me, but I legit thought I was having some sort of psychotic break. I was scared by and of my reaction, which was to a reaction in the first place, so this was like Inception-levels of meta brain shit.
That stunned epiphany has actually changed how I handle these things. I can tell when I’m about to lose my shit, and either calm myself down knowing that I am not actually this scared, or warn Ed I’m about to erupt in a totally non-pornographic way and to please help me cope.
It’s not always successful, of course. Right now, I’m worried and anxious af because I’ve had NO reaction to the second Pfizer dose I received on Friday afternoon. Everything I’ve heard from friends and internet strangers alike is that the first Pfizer dose is pretty mild but the second one knocks you on your ass. I didn’t have much of a reaction to my first dose, so I prepared for a thorough ass-knocking – like, did groceries, got my affairs in order (look, it’s a work in progress), made sure Ed had enough things to eat over the weekend, stored up an ample supply of Diet Coke and chicken noodle soup – and yet I’m fine. Went out yesterday afternoon, did a bunch of errands, made neighbourhood queso. Okay, maybe day two is the worst and I’ll really feel it tomorrow? So far today I’ve made blueberry pancakes and bacon for breakfast, cleaned out two kitchen cabinets and two drawers, ate some queso leftovers in my balconic oasis to the tune of a Broadway showstopper, wrote up some self-serving psychobabble, and made several smaller, less life-changing epiphanies about Greek yogurt and Tupperware lids. I’m supposed to be sick and miserable. Why am I not sick and miserable?!
What if I didn’t actually get the vaccine at all? What if I’m not actually protected from covid?
What if my slight headache and extreme weariness ARE my symptoms, and I’ve been having them all along?
That doesn’t seem right, as I’m not suffering all that much so I must have done something wrong and I’m still vulnerable.
.. and why am I worrying about whether I’m suffering enough to be deserving of the label of “having symptoms”, anyway? This is one of the reasons I also didn’t think I “deserved” to think I was suffering from PTSD, I’m just a stupid broken baby who can’t handle minor life stuff.
Yeah, it’s been an interesting few months.
Did I say interesting? I meant exhausting.
I honestly can’t tell if I’m just being good ol’ Insufferable Kimli, if this is a stereotypical stoner line of thinking, or if it’s a valid realization.
Up next: why I can’t watch TV, and why I hate sharing my age!
I need to preface this story with a confession: we were both high. THAT BEING SAID, this was super weird.
Last night we were hungry, but I had forgotten to take anything out of the freezer and none of the other in-house options were exciting, so we decided to order in. We were also bored of our usual suspects, so we went through our delivery options to find anything that looked universally appealing.
Way, way down on the list of restaurants, we found a place we hadn’t tried before. It was highly rated (9.8/10), had reasonable prices, and offered free delivery. Great! From that moment on, though, everything was .. suspicious:
The place had a very generic name, like “Good Food” – something hard to Google
There was no address for the place listed, just a street name
The menu was huge, which always makes me suspicious of a place
The food they sold was unusual – not that the available items were weird, but that everything was described oddly:
“Breaded munchies”, with no description of what a “munchie” is
Each pizza listing started with “popular pizza sauce” as an ingredient
“Spaghetti noodles mixed with ..”
“Popular veggie sandwich”
You could add toppings to your pizza. In addition to toppings you’d normally find on pizza, you could add:
We decided we were just high enough to be adventurous, so we ordered some food. The weirdness did not stop there:
The ordered arrived quickly, but there was absolutely zero identifying details on the packaging. The food came in a plain paper bag, a plain container, and completely blank pizza boxes. No logo, store name, menu, receipt – nothing but generic, blank containers and the food itself.
Speaking of the food, it was eerily perfect: three identical pizza bases with evenly spaced, totally uniform toppings. Honestly, it looked like what you’d get if you worked on the Enterprise and asked your food replicator for a 10″ Margherita pizza, warm.
We did, in fact, order the “breaded munchies” because we couldn’t imagine what they could possibly be. They were parmesan-garlic bread bites – not breaded, but actual bread.
The food tasted fine! Nothing to write a big blog post about, but perfectly edible and quite good – we’ve absolutely had far, far worse food delivered. If it wasn’t for the fact that a) we were evidently Conspiracy Theory High and b) all the things listed above, it would have been a routine, run-of-the-mill dinner order from a place we hadn’t tried before.
My current theory is that we stumbled upon a mid-range catering outfit doing pandemic business as a pop-up pizza place. Fake restaurants were all over the news a few years ago when food delivery started outpacing dine-in service, but mostly in big cities like New York and San Francisco – definitely not on the outer edge of suburbia, a stone’s throw from another country.
It was fucking weird, and it just kept getting weirder.
A Sunday afternoon in the middle of a stay home order called for a trifecta of Lilac OG (a new favourite from Mota Cannabis), 10th Planet (heavy hitter also from Mota), and a smidge of Sky Cake (an excellent AAA Strain from Budmail).
I spent the afternoon as the clumsy, quirky, loveable, and perpetually single best friend of Paul Rudd’s wife (TBD, but probably Leslie Mann because why mess with a working formula) in a Judd Apatow coming-of-middle-age comedy, in the scene where the couple (who’ve been having marriage issues), find their teen kid’s weed stash and decide to smoke it in a montage set to an album Paul Rudd puts on and dances around the room to. I really hope I’m Margaret Cho. I love her.
It wasn’t my intention to post these on 420, but that’s how it all worked out and I’m gonna go with it.
Before I begin, I’d like to stress that I did not just smoke a great deal of pot all at once. I’ve been collecting little snippets of strain reviews as they happen, but the Case of the Missing Post from April 2nd broke a LOT of things in my website and I’ve had to do some disturbing, possibly illegal things to get access to my high rambling. I am pretending it was worth it.
I started out reviewing specific strains of pot for my own amusement, but I’ve come to realize that the real magic isn’t in my sober edits but rather the actual, heat of the moment shit that goes through my brain. This content serves absolutely no purpose to anyone, but my own stupid stoned thoughts make me laugh so now you have to suffer through them too.
A blend of Lilac OG and Oregon Golden Goat: This is a political statement high. Would be great if you are looking to fan a spark into a flame to overthrow a government or stage a musical.
Slap n’ Tickle: When I close my eyes, I’m inside the Price is Right’s set designer’s nightmares. It also made me a bit paranoid: Ed did an overly dramatic cat litter sneeze, and I started worrying he was dead. It made sense at the time.
Gas MAC: I AM at least half A WITCH. I discovered you can have symptoms of Reynaud Syndrome occur in weird ass-places, like one nipple. People would have been hard pressed to claim they were “colder than a witch’s tit”, because my tit was painfully cold. I ended up trying to thaw my boob out with a USB hand warmer, which just made things worse because then I was impossibly cold and burned at the same time. I don’t actually remember anything about the high, just the massive panic attack because my right boob was having a stroke and I didn’t know what to do.
Dutch Hawaiian/Lilac OG: I’m on the verge of understanding how people use weed to help them concentrate instead of just being all floaty woo all the time. I actually kinda like getting high and doing a chore instead of always having trippy 1970s drugsploitation acid dreams. Don’t get me wrong, they’re suuuuper fun, but it’s also nice to get high and tackle a boring or unpleasant job. I usually smoke after work to unwind, and I’ve been creating some crazy dinners because of it. It *might* just be that I really like cutting stuff with knives, but I think the weed had more than a little to do with it all.
Grateful Breath/Slap n’ Tickle: I am super paranoid. I’ve searched the entire house multiple times to make sure all four cats are present and accounted for, but by the time I find #4 I’m worried about #s 1-3 again. I’m on the verge of a Bad Time, but no time to freak out: I gotta slice a ham.
Dutch Crunch/Grateful Breath: I’m so high I’ve forgotten Rush.
.. there were more, but I seem to have lost them. Thanks, WordPress!
It’s almost 420. I’m gonna go chop some vegetables.
I am having a fiiiiine Friday. Friday holidays should become a regular thing. Much less stressful than holiday Mondays.
I was going to share a whole whack of pot reviews at once, but I’ve also been wanting to put in my own words the differences in dry pot vs wet (called “sticky” which is marginally less fun), and indica vs sativa. This information is online several thousand times over, but this time it’s in MY words (which are clearly better than other, more boring words). You ARE here for the words, right? The nudes are on my OnlyFans.
I’ve been doing a lot of reading to learn more about the world of marijuana, because I’m finding my new hobby so very interesting. Starting with the word “marijuana” – did you know it has roots as a slur, because it was demonized by politicians in the 20s and 30s who associated it with Mexican people to make it seem like foreigners were bringing deadly drugs into the US? It was the start of Reefer-Madness-like propaganda to make marijuana out to be a very, very bad thing (how’s that war on drugs going? good?). This is why it’s routinely referred to as “cannabis” everywhere you look today, because although marijuana is no longer considered a life-destroying devil plant, that name is heavily associated with people being awful to other people. So, cannabis it is.
Dried weed vs sticky weed: I was under the impression that dry weed is bad, because Ed always made noises about how dry his old pot was. That was an assumption on my part, because all his weed is dried so I thought that’s what “bad” pot looked like. Turns out, dried weed is fine – ALL weed is dried to some extent – but OLD dry weed is pretty bad because most of the good stuff has leeched out. You can rehydrate it with some moisture packs, but it’s better to have fresh flower on hand. Why? That comes in the curing of the plant: after it’s been harvested, it’s dried for some time. “Sticky” weed, the stuff that comes looking and smelling like a dang salad, still has all the resin visible on it. This kind of weed is preferred for smoking, as it’s extra dank thanks to the resin still hanging out on the trichomes (wiggly bits). It’s apparently the holy grail of pot, and highly sought after.
This is where I complain that it fucking figures that I’d gravitate towards the expensive fancy pot instead of the cheaper stuff.
What’s the deal with dried pot? It’s basically the same stuff, but has been cured for longer resulting in a much drier (and harsher) smoke. It’s not BAD, but it just doesn’t have the same level of tastiness when compared to sticky pot. It’s definitely not something to be avoided, though, for one very good reason:
Dried weed is much lighter than sticky weed, meaning you get more of it for the same price you’d pay for sticky weed.
I can even science this shit out for you right now!
It doesn’t look like a big difference at this scale on this scale, but scale up quickly it does. If you’re looking to get the most bang for your buck, dried is the way to go. It’s also the preferred kind of weed for use in edibles. I might be wrong on this, but I think the only kind of flower you can get online from OFFICIAL DISPENSARIES is dried – at least, that’s what I found on BC Cannabis. YMMV.
Before I decided to start my own collection of weed and weed peripherals, my only exposure to any of it was through Ed and I didn’t ask any questions. A couple of months into this, I now have a favourite type and a favourite strain and a favourite way of doing things. Excessive? Probably, but what the actual fuck else am I going to do? Nothing, that’s what.
I’ve been buying most of my weed from Bud Mail, which I really like. I’ve previously mentioned their black tin series, which is expensive af but you get a ridiculous amount of extremely good weed for your money. I sort of thought all pot was the same, but that is apparently like thinking all wine is the same or all beer – s’not true. Armed with a little bit of knowledge, I was able to determine that I’d been buying some top shelf stuff – and other online vendors also had their OWN kind of top shelf stuff, and it was all different and new. A large tax return later, I have a pretty impressive collection. Some recent finds have been from Mota Cannabis (where I’ve previously bought a lot of edibles) – their top shelf collection is called Mota Exotics, and out of the four flavours I bought, I’ve tried three and really like them. Today’s choice is Lilac OG, a very smooth indica that apparently makes me wordy but without the teeming pretension of my other notable wordy highs. Note to self: use this more often. It makes you a great deal less insufferable.
Okay, sticky > dried. What about sativa vs. indica?
Sativa weed is happy time social fun weed. It makes both Ed and I very talkative, which sounds good except then all the weird circular thoughts I have come out of my mouth instead of staying in my head or going on Twitter where they belong. It is very fun when you’re in a group, even if everyone else is sober, because you can and are willing to carry every conversation at once. I think I’m funny when sativa high, but I also have a greatly inflated sense of my own hysteria, so I could be vastly mistaken about that.
Indica, on the other hand, is a quiet, introspect high. It’s no less of a ride than sativa, because you’re still having all the same weird thoughts but you just sort of .. enjoy them by yourself. People often use indica for concentration or sleep, because it can be very relaxing and you sort of like being all quiet and alone with your thoughts, without distraction. The downside of this is the couch-lock: you will reeeeeeally like your couch. And you’re kind of hungry. Do you want salty or sweet? Yes. You want both, and maybe some of that, and this looks good, and now you need to do groceries because you ate everything.
Indica is also used as an appetite stimulant, if you aren’t getting your eat on.
I don’t have a preference for indica over sativa, because I associate my favourite buzz with the particular strain. I’m starting to be able to tell the difference in hybrid weeds as well, which are a mix of both. Some will have more of one than the other, leading to descriptions like indica or sativa-dominant hybrids.
I’ll save the nonsensical pot reviews for next time. Time for me to enjoy the rest of my Good Friday in my oasis!
Today’s pot is a fancy times: Dutch Crunch, a hybrid of Dutch Treat and Jack Herer. I got my tax return, so I splurged* and treated myself to some small batch AAAA oak barrel triple aged stuff cultivated by dudes with long beards and $200 fades. They wear starched aprons over khakis and button-downs with the sleeves rolled up to show off the ink. If this was beer, it’d come in growlers served at a splintery plank counter and some kind of gimmick like they’re technically not allowed to sell beer so instead they sell $20 banana muffins that each come with a free bottle of brew. Everything is plaid.
Anyway, the weed. It is actually very super awesome. Dutch Crunch might be my new favourite by a lot. It came in a fancy vacuum-sealed tin with a pull tab, like top shelf cat food. It smells insanely green – I would wear it as perfume or eat it as a salad. Those are complimentary things, right? I don’t think I know how to praise a plant.
Stunned amazement brought on by the weed aside, I’m not entirely surprised that I like this strain so much. Before I took over management of the household vices, Ed had once ordered some Dutch Hawaiian that I enjoyed until it was all gone. I’d been on the lookout for something similar when I came across Dutch Crunch, so I ordered it on a hunch that all things starting with “Dutch” would be similar. I could tell because they have the same name, you see. I am very deductive.
Incidentally, if you find yourself a strain that you really enjoy, I recommend getting an ample amount. I have yet to be able to restock a specific strain once it’s all gone, which leads to a lot of rueing on my part. Unless you have time to rue, order more. You’ll thank yourself later.
I keep getting distracted for some reason .. . Back to the weed. The high is very visual – these are many words and they are not coming easy**. It’s a much different high when I’m Obnoxious Word Kimli because I don’t even really have to do anything my fingers just make nonsense go. In this case, I can visualize what I’m trying to describe, but the words are super stilted and I’ve rewritten parts several times. Still fun, tho. I’m on our balcony, listening to the creek and some horny birds. It’s really very quite nice.***
*: In this instance, “splurge” meant $150CDN for half an ounce/14 grams which is an astonishing amount of weed.
**: The words were not coming easy when this was originally written on Facebook, several weeks ago. They are much easier at the moment. Sorry.