#metoo

I hate that so many people have chimed in with #metoo.

While I don’t at all agree with or condone Mayim Blalik’s ridiculous, ass-backward “feminist” rant, a small part of me nodded when she wrote that she’s never been a victim or target of sexual harassment or assault because she’s not “Hollywood pretty”. I’ve never been a victim because I’m not pretty enough to harass or assault. I get it. I feel safe travelling alone, because no one would look at me twice. I know it’s not about sex but power, but I’m not really worth the effort, so I’m good.

Then .. I remember. Being 12, and having strange men ask me if I want to be their girlfriend. The stares I’ve gotten since my breasts developed. The long-running jokes about my chin, and how good it would look dripping with cum. At 17, being coerced into sex I didn’t want and tried to get out of, and finally just going along with it to get it over with. Being drunk and given to his cousin for sex. Having a friend come out to the car to check on me after drinking too much at the bar, then start kissing me. Another friend, draping his body across mine on his couch. Waking up at a party to someone going down on me. A friend’s birthday, when a goodbye hug ended with a hand down my dress and a tongue down my throat. Slut-shamed by men and women for my cleavage. Hands groping my calves and caressing my legs while I stood behind their chair. Bus boners. My tenth grade math teacher who hunched over me from behind to “help” me with algebra. “I didn’t think you knew how to dress like a professional” from a boss. Being stopped on my way to work by a man who wanted to make love to me for 8 hours. Forcefully groped in public by a boyfriend. Trapped in a makeout session by someone bigger and stronger. Men trying to touch my breasts while corset modelling. Hiding in bathrooms from men trying to corner me. Comments. Stares. Coersion. Threats. “How about a smile, gorgeous?” Accidental grabs. Things thrown down my shirt. The times I just gave in, too scared or tired to fight. Hands on my face. Cab drivers insisting they escort me to my hotel room or rerouting to “show me the city”. Praying for a red light so I could jump out of the car.

I hate that this has made me remember. I hate that I know there are more that I’ve forgotten, or didn’t realize were wrong at the time. I’m smart but oblivious. I believe everyone has only good intentions. I thought the impossibly strong drinks purchased for me were a mistake. I thought he was just being friendly. I thought I had spinach in my teeth, or he was just admiring my necklace. I thought I asked for it by smiling too much, wearing too little, laughing too hard. I should have been more, or less, or tougher, or invisible. I hate realizing just how much #metoo there is. I hate that hundreds of thousands have shared their pain to try to prove and point – and that some people are STILL ARGUING AND DISMISSING IT.

What have we become?

#tbt

It’s October, which means every goddamn thing is pumpkin flavoured. It reminds me of that time I had a Squash Blizzard:

It’s no secret that I enjoy pumpkin pie. I’ve been known to enjoy it year ‘round, thanks to the marvels of deep freeze.

Every year I get excited to see commercials for Pumpkin Pie Blizzards from Dairy Queen. I like pumpkin – I like pie – I like ice cream – in theory, it can only be a small frozen cup of deliciousness. There is no possible way you could screw up something so simple. Right?

Oh, but no. Last year I was delighted to find myself in a position to actually try a Pumpkin Pie Blizzard. I ordered it, almost bouncing with anticipation – pie! Pumpkin pie! Smooshed up into ice cream! This is gonna be SO AWESOME!

As I watched her prepare my treat, I found myself filled with a sudden trepidation. The pumpkin part of the blizzard was being scooped out of a can – okay, that’s fine, I wasn’t exactly expecting them to slice up a pie and toss it in the blender – but something didn’t look right.

I took a closer look at the can she left on the counter. It was pumpkin.

JUST pumpkin.

As in, not pie filling.

As in, canned plain non-spiced uncooked unprocessed pumpkin.

All jack-o-lanterns and delicious fall treats aside, a pumpkin is no more than a festive member of the squash family.

The Dairy Queen made me a Squash Blizzard.

There was a chance I was wrong, but I was pretty damn sure she had made me a blizzard using not pie filling but regular canned squash that may eventually have been turned into pie by someone who wanted to control the flavour explosion but was definitely in no way meant to be poured into a shell and baked at 400 degrees for 45 minutes as is. I didn’t know how to bring it up – “hey, you made my Blizzard wrong!” – so I just took it and went on my way.

It looked about right – orange and creamy with pieces of cookie meant to simulate pie crust. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.

Then I took a bite.

Picture yourself eating a zucchini.

Now picture that zucchini mashed up into ice cream.

Yeah, that’s about how good it tasted. It was fucking HORRIBLE. It was a goddamn Squash Blizzard! It tasted like frozen death! I got through two bites before I had to throw the thing away; the pumpkin was too thoroughly mixed with the ice cream for any of it to be salvaged. I was very sad. My delightful treat turned out to be an unholy terror from beyond the grave.

I hate it when that happens.

#neverforget

once and forever kimli

Things I’ve Done While Bored:

  • Book flights halfway around the world
  • Enroled in college
  • Tattoos. So many tattoos.
  • Bought random sex toys off Amazon
  • Made flowcharts
  • Applied for life-changing programs and activities without really thinking them through
  • Adopt small animals
  • Drastically change my look

Basically, I do Big Things in the name of bordom. Big, expensive things. Big, expensive things with legal ramifications. You know, typical stuff. Like this:

Image uploaded from iOS

embossed for extra boss

One lazy Sunday in August I was (more likely than not) naked and splayed out on the loveseat, classing up the joint. I don’t know what triggered it, but I leapt off the couch with parts a-jigglin’, ran to my computer, and applied to legally change my name from Kim Lee to Kimli. I don’t know why it had to be done at that very moment – I’d been sitting on the decision for literally 30 years or so – but I was struck with urgency and boredom, so I pulled the trigger on the long-overdue name change.

I started the process with zero research under my belt, which, in retrospect, was pretty dumb. For starters, changing your name is expensive and frustrating. Here’s a rundown of the hoops I had to jump through:

  • Application to change my name. Cost: $137
  • Requirement: Get fingerprinted. $60 for fingerprinting at the Vancouver Police Department; $25 to send the prints off to the RCMP to ensure I have no nefarious motives.
  • Requirement: A notarized copy of your birth certificate and, if married, your marriage certificate.
  • Gathered all the paperwork and receipts and went to a Service BC office to submit it. Service BC could not help me, because I wasn’t there to collect government assistance. Had to go to the Vital Statistics office downtown.
  • Finally get to the right office. Oops: my marriage certificate is not a legal marriage certificate. You have to apply to Vital Statistics Alberta to get it. Go away and come back with the right paperwork.
  • Apply for my marriage certificate. $39.64 for the application, plus $30 for priority service .. because the application for name change expires within 30 days. If you don’t gather and submit all the paperwork 30 days from the time you pay the initial fee, you have to start all over again and repay all the fees.
  • Marriage certificate finally appears. Contact a random notary and have my birth and marriage certificate copies notarized. Cost: $50
  • Revisit the Vital Stats office, this time with all correct paperwork in hand. Submit it all. Am told to wait 4 – 6 weeks.
  • Wait 4 – 6 weeks. Going on vacation in the middle of this helped pass the time.
  • Today: GET CERTIFICATE OF NAME CHANGE! YAY! All it took was 4 weeks of running around and $341.64!
  • But wait, we’re not done! Now I get to apply for a new birth certificate ($91.50), get a new driver’s license ($27), and a new passport ($160)! All this to change nothing but the spelling of my name!
  • At least I’m really good at forms now?

As ridiculous as all this was, I’m a little bit thrilled to be really totally me for really reals. I’ve been meaning to do this since I was 13, it just took me a bit to get around to it. I kind of can’t wait to have ID issued in my shiny new legal name, too.

One of these days, maybe I’ll get around to finishing high school!

ireland in numbers

We’re home! Ireland was okay I guess. :P

  • Distance driven: 1286km
  • Places we stayed: Galway, Doolin, Killarney, Kinsale, Kilkenny, Dublin
  • Tiny islands visited: Inis MórInis Oírr
  • Pints of Guinness enjoyed by Ed: 14
  • Pints of Guinness not enjoyed by Ed: 1
  • Sheep storms: 3
  • Most types of potato served at one meal: 4
  • Caves explored: 1
  • Lens caps lost in caves: 1
  • Times I heard “Forever in Blue Jeans” by Neil Diamond before I realized it was playing on a loop: 5
  • Gaps driven through: Moll’s Gap, the Gap of Dunloe (number 1 favourite good time gap), Sally Gap
  • Legit haunted places we stumbled upon: Leamaneh CastleDerrycunnihy Church
  • Bangers eaten: 36
  • Primarks visited: 3
  • Unsettling things in Kildare: 7
  • Gingers ogled: 147
  • Faerie villages visited: 1
  • Incredibly boring films about Irish wildflowers viewed: .81
  • Burger King visits: 5 (they’re the only place in all of Ireland that serves an actual American-style “large” drink)
  • Emergency trips to the pharmacy for sticks to pee on: 1
  • Statues with comic-book-style boobs that gave me an inferiority complex: 7
  • Hidden roads driven down that led to incredible scenary and my favourite place in all of Ireland: 1
  • Jaw-dropping, epic vistas: 293

Ugh you guys Ireland was so awesome. The driving tour was better than we hoped: we saw incredible things, like sheep. And .. more sheep. And ridiculous landscapes, rugged mountains, breathtaking valleys, terrifying cliffs, and and and. It was so great. I would highly recommend the trip to anyone (maybe don’t get sick at the end) – we used Discovering Ireland for the arranging, which was frankly brilliant. Every place they booked us into was perfectly located, the rooms ranged from old school to modern but they were all comfortable, and breakfast was included at each location (which went a long way in ensuring we ate reasonably well the entire time).

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we joked about this place being haunted when we found it. turns out it totally is. ahhhhhhhhhh

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oh what a cute abandoned church we found that is also TOTALLY HAUNTED FOR REALS

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this was my favourite place on the entire trip

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another view of favourite place

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the gap of dunloe was also incredible

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sally gap was not too shabby

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anyway, here’s wonderwall

Where to next? That is to be decided. The next few months will be dealing with the move, and Ed is going on a man cruise in February. Will I solo travel to Japan? Back to London? Somewhere else entirely? All of the above! I just .. can’t plan anything at the moment, which is frustrating. I should probably sell the condo first. Anyone want to buy a condo? I’ll throw in a free coffee table!

Okay, back to work and daydreaming.

we’re off!

Adventure: Ireland begins today! We leave for the airport in a few hours, flying first into Heathrow and then taking a short hop into Shannon where we pick up our rental car and drive to Galway. I’m not looking forward to flying into London and then immediately leaving – there will likely be tears, because I am a ridiculous creature. Still, I’m very excited about our upcoming trip. We’ll be driving around Ireland for 10 days, then hanging out in Dublin for a while before coming home. ADVENTURE!

We’re also celebrating some milestones on this trip. On September 10th, Ed and I will have been together for twenty fucking years jesus christ that is a long ass time. If that’s not scary enough, the 21st of September will be our 15th wedding anniversary. We are celebrating with literal shamrocks and shenanigans (this remix is better than the original).

The hashtag for the trip is #kimligobragh. I’m not crazy about it, but let’s be honest – nothing will ever top #kimlichiwa as a trip tag. Also, the future is weird. Follow along on Facebook and Instagram, where I will undoubtedly post a zillion pictures of epic cliffs and roaring seas.

In other news, I am in a good spot right now. August was made of stress around here, but things have resolved themselves to managable-if-not-outright-satisfactory and I can breathe heaving sighs of relief. I’ve also had some fun: last Saturday was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time. I spent the weekend in Seattle with Ali, and our day started out with breakfast with the girls (complete with avocado theiving) and a trip to the new Funko store in Everett which holy crap that place is made of awesome. I was fairly proud of myself for not going nuts in the store and buying everything in sight, but Ed saw through my ruse and knew it was because I actually own most of it already. Still, the store is packed with life-size Funko figures which are super cute. The Japan section has a great Godzilla scene going on, you can visit Hogwarts and Gotham, and .. just go check it out. It’s worth the trip, promise.

That evening, Ali took me to Art of the Table for my very first visit. Ed has been to AOTT many times, as have most of our friends – but somehow, I’d never gone in the 10? years it’s been a part of our social circle. I was getting pretty grumpy about it, but this past weekend I got to experience the whole thing.

It was probably the best meal I’ve ever had. I wanted to try everything as it was meant to be enjoyed, so I didn’t let any of my food pickiness dictate my meal. We had the tasting menu, in which small plates come at you continuously until you basically can’t move – and as a special request Barman Mitch gave me an introduction to the world of Gin (as I have previously decided that I am going to enjoy gin). I got very drunk but in a sophisticated way (there may have been some drunken facebooking about my boobs, sorry about that), but I managed to keep myself upright and thoroughly enjoyed each of the drinks Mitch made for me. Ali had a paired wine with her plates that I also tried and actually liked – that brings the total number of wine I enjoy to TWO. Yeah, I’m all fancy now.

If you’re a foodie or just want to try something special, I highly recommend a visit to Art of the Table. Seriously, I can’t really do the experience justice with mere words – it was SO FUCKING GOOD.

After food, it was time for burlesque! One of my favourite people ever was performing in a show in downtown Seattle, so we went to see some beautiful people take off their clothes. We were a bit late and missed part of the first act, but the show was three hours long so there was plenty for us to take in. Also, burlesque raffle: I won! Boobs were involved, and other substances. It was great. We were there to see Lauren perform, and her act was so great – completely different from the other performers, it was hilarious and adorable. I love Lauren. Have I mentioned that?

It was such a good, good, day. It’s been way too long since I’ve had quality Ali time.

Oh and on Tuesday, Ed and I went to a live sex demo. It was live! Live sex! Demonstrated!

More on that later, if I remember: I need to go triple-check the number of cardigans I’ve packed, and probably put on some clothes for the plane.

ADVENTURE HO!

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cliffs for daaaaaaaays.

punk rock feels

Once of the first (PG13) things Ed did when we started dating was introduce me to punk. Until that point, the only punk I had really listened to was some early Green Day courtesy of a boy I had a huge crush on (which was unreciprocated because his “type” was the complete opposite of everything I am but dang if I didn’t try), so the music Ed played for me was utterly new and totally fascinating. I loved the music, and bands like Descendents, ALL, Bad Religion, Lagwagon, Strung Out, and No Use for a Name became the soundtrack for that period of my life.

Last night we saw the Descendents play the Commodore Ballroom in Vancouver, and I was immediately hit with ALL THE FEELS for those early, confusing, libidinous days. The show was a bucket list item for Ed, and I’m so glad we went (we have a really bad habit of buying tickets to shows but not going) – they sounded amazing and it was a high energy show with multiple encores. Lots of old songs mixed in with the new, a comfortable venue with great vantage points, and just plain fun to be at a punk show with old friends. I mean, it wasn’t a white boy rap show, but it was still a good time – just faster.

I can’t help but wonder if the not-insignificant amount of longing I am experiencing for the early days of our relationship aren’t caused by the current upheaval in my life, our upcoming Big Anniversary, and my wayward hormones. I recently went through 25 years of non-digital photos to weed out duplicates and things that should never have seen the light of day, so those early years are fresh in my mind. It’d be easy to say “life was simpler then”, but that’s absolutely not true: life was messy and confusing and complicated as fuck. I like the now much better.

I do not know what to do with all of these feels, so I will go back to packing boxes and suitcases. We leave for Ireland in 24 days!

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us in a few weeks