swed: the live blog

I am very concerned about what modern Mickey Mouse looks like. Is he the round flat, or the retro modern pointy nose?

It took me an inordinate amount of time to calculate the modern equivalent of future time LMM’s writing about you today – this some no math bullshit.

Too high to say sausage roll. Very sad day.

Trifecta high for 4/20: Lilac OG+Dutch Crunch+Sky Cake.

Being very confused at how to explain my Future Hamilton timeline starring your life right now
What will the rousing statement in the big opening number introducing you be?

PSA: this is not a regular Tuesday high I think I 420’d too hard


random ASBO thoughts

Over the weekend, a friend of mine shared that she drove around to a bunch of Free Little Libraries in Vancouver and topped them all up with donated books. I am 100% in love with this idea and thought maybe I could do the same thing out here in the sticks.

Then I remembered that I donated most of my books before we moved, because they were taking up a LOT of room and I had digital copies of everything. I did keep some books, though – maybe I could go through them and make a donation pile?

THEN I remembered that I am me, and the books I kept are not appropriate for free little libraries. Or children. Or people over 50. Or anyone.

.. then I started to think that it would actually be really funny (to me) to secretly donate like 6 copies of “Bear” to every FLL in the area and see how long it takes to make headlines about the bored pervert flooding neighbourhood libraries with weird CanCon smut.

It would be very, very funny to me to do this.

Can you be a bad influence on yourself?

forgotten title

I live on the balcony now.

Not just because the balcony is the best place in the house, but also because holy fuck I need to sleep.

Ed snores. Loudly. The situation is now reversed, as he used to complain nightly about my own snoring. I probably still do, but he can sleep through it because his own snoring is so thunderous. I tried to go to bed early so I fall asleep before he does, but we’re both night owls and it never works. He’ll purposefully stay up super late to give me time to fall asleep, but I also stay up and then it’s a million o’clock and suffering happens. He’s one of those annoying ass-humans who can fall asleep the second he’s in bed, but I toss and turn for ages before I drift off. And once he starts snoring, it’s game over: my misophonia kicks in and I cannot. fall. asleep. no matter what I do. Sometimes I’ll move to the couch. Other times I’ll just lay there and hope he quiets down for long enough for me to fall asleep. If I’m lucky, I’ll get around 4 hours of sleep before the alarms go off – and that’s a big fucking if, because the game has just gone up a level.

I’ve been fucking exhausted for most of this week because I’ve had to get up hell damn ass early for various appointments or meetings. Night before last, I actually made myself fall asleep “early” – before he came to bed, at any rate. Only problem: I wake up around 6am to pee, and then I can’t fall back to sleep because he’s snoring so loud. Friday morning sleep was so pointless that I was awake, showered, and at my desk working by 6:15, because what the hell else am I going to do? This morning, same thing. 6am, I have to pee, I’m still super tired, but oh now I can’t think because his nose sounds give me giant anxiety. I got up and made a Complicated Breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, dealt with the clean then dirty dishes, washed the bongs, did some laundry .. and it’s not yet 9am. On a Saturday. This sucks at least 17 balls.

It’s very nice outside, I guess.

So tired.

birb found a food

doom and gloom

It’s been a hell of a week.

After a luxuriously long weekend, I awoke on Tuesday ready to take on the world. First up: a call with my cardiologist! Okay, not what I was hoping for, but away we went. I have to go back in for an echocardigan, and next week I get to wear a Holter monitor for 24 hours. Turns out my heart is somewhat all fucky again, spiking randomly for no apparent reason and beating way, way too fast. That is .. not good. Thumbs up, heart. You have ONE FUCKING JOB.

The face crud I was left with after my ophthalmologist appointment 12 days ago is FINALLY starting to clear up. I had to resort to basically moisturizing with an antibacterial ointment for my skin to stop flaking and hurting, but I’m at a point now where I can go outside and not scare children or the elderly. It was a miserable not-quite-two-weeks. I’m looking forward to using normal moisturizer again.

On the vaccination front, I’m officially a Pfizer baby. I got my first dose on Wednesday night, and it took about 20 minutes total (with 15 of those minutes just sitting in a chair as they make sure you don’t keel over and die after you get poked). I spent the time talking about cats with a delightful volunteer who estimated my age to be around 24. I would basically die for her at this point. Just sayin’.

Overall, I feel .. okay. I’ve heard that the second and third days after your shot are the worst, and I’m definitely feeling kind of cruddy today (which, to be fair, could also be caused by my EXTREME DISAPPOINTMENT and/or the fact that I haven’t really eaten today). No sign of any super powers emerging, which is disheartening, but I’m more concerned at how incredibly slow the Canadian rollout is. I’m glad my US friends have their shots, but most of them seem to already have their next round scheduled for sometime within the next month (and some have already had both doses), when Canada is barely at the 65+ age group. I’ve been saying for months that the US is going to close the border to Canadians before we get around to opening it back up again, and with the CDC’s travel advisory against going to Canada in place, it’s just a matter of time. It’s frustrating. Every day the people in charge of getting BC sorted make baffling, insulting decisions: open the churches! open restaurants! oh wait we’re up to 1250+ new cases a day? okay, close the restaurants! except if you sit outside, then that’s fine. And also outside still counts if you put a tent around it. And people between the ages of 20-35 are to blame for everything, and also aren’t eligible for vaccines yet even if they’re a frontline retail worker. Don’t worry! We got this, everyone just needs to dig deeper! And if we don’t, our leadership will shake their heads and be very disappointed, but what else do we want them to do?

Basically, we’re fucked. It’s hard to keep optimistic about this. I want Ed vaccinated, I want my friends vaccinated, I want my entire fucking country vaccinated. I want my life back. I want YOUR life back. My rage has never been this impotent and I didn’t get that flavour a Pfizer shot so I’m just stewing helplessly.

This is a much less fine Friday than last week. It’s grey and gloomy outside, and my mood is no better. This is not the exciting future we had envisioned, and no amount of fairy lights will make things better any time soon. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to try, but my heart really isn’t in it (because it can’t keep a fucking beat, apparently).

a pretty place from which to watch canada crumble

normalize normal eyes

The good news: my eyes are super. No sign of impending death by diabetes in any of my eyeballs. The tiniest suggestion of an inkling of a whisper thinking about maybe becoming a cataract one day, but it isn’t even a solid thought let alone anything that can be treated at this point so it might as well not be there. Hooray!

The bad news, and you knew bad news was coming because I am the very model of a modern medic mystery: I appear to be having a pretty severe allergic reaction to the gamma rays they dosed me with yesterday.

When my vision eventually returned (sorry, Wanda), I was startled to see my face (beyond the usual reasons): from my eyes to my upper lip is bright red and puffy, at times really itchy, and rough. It’s sort of like I’m experiencing two summer’s worth of eczema all at once, which .. I dunno, is that how they look at the back of your eyes? Is this just a weird sunburn rash thing? I originally thought this was caused by the eye drops they administered, but those didn’t go anywhere near my cheeks. Lights and lasers did, though. Shit. I think I have a radiation vibe burn going on. I don’t like it.

Still no word on what beats betwixt my heaving bosom, nor when to expect the hemogoblins to come a-callin’. No vaccine appointment scheduled yet, because the Fraser Health website runs on decaf hamsters. Have spent so much time talking about words I’ve forgotten how to use them, which is becoming somewhat of an issue at work. Making a flowchart to outline my plan to get over my wordnesia for fun. Thinking about bleach – not that one, the other three.

Still alive.

words aplenty, guess who’s twenty

Twenty years ago today, I sat at my enormous CRT monitor in our gaming room in Calgary and desperately wished that, 20 years in the future, I’d be basically doing the exact same thing.

Good news: mission accomplished!

Delicious Juice Dot Com is officially twenty years old today. I feel like I should write a big eloquent page talking about where we started and where we are now, but my emotions surrounding this milestone can basically be summed up as “wtf”. How the hell have 20 years gone by? The passage of time both confuses and enrages me.

Okay, if I’m going for totally honesty here I’m a little chuffed that I actually made it to 20 years with this thing. I’ve almost shut the site down so many times, but there’s always that little voice that says “but what if something happens and you want to tell a story?” and I back off from the plan. Weird stuff happens to me all the damn time, and I think if I didn’t have an outlet – no matter how infrequently it’s used, although I’m trying to change that – I might explode. And in the process of exploding, I would want to share my thoughts about exploding. It’s a vicious cycle, but what is over-sharing if not love in word form? Nothing. I overshare because I love you. You’re welcome.

So, hooray for Delicious Juice Dot Com making it 20 frickin’ years on this series of tubes. It’s been a wild ride, one that I hope continues for years to come. I’d love to, in 2035, randomly wonder what was up with my genitals way back in 2011, and have a readily available answer. I envision a future where knowing what was up with your junk two decades ago will be very valuable information. It’ll still be a dystopic world struggling to return to the prosperity of the Before Times, but in between the nightly hunts for food and supplies and dodging the hostile brain-eating aliens that caught us all unaware and unprepared in 2027, I’ll be able to see what was up down there in the not-so-distant past. I’ll be a cannibal, but an informed cannibal. What more could I ask for?

Happy anniversary, website. I’d have exploded long ago if not for the outlet you provide.

how it started
how it’s going

girls, what’s my weakness?


I really love spicy Tom Yum soup. Tom Kha is okay, but the coconut milk cuts the spicy and tang and those are the two things that make me live (along with aspartame and low-cut dresses). When we live in the Big City, I had a favourite Thai place I’d order from at least once a week, if not more. Yes, I would like two family-sized portions of soup, please. No, I only need one spoon – actually, just give me a straw.

Since moving out to the middle of nowhere, the options for good Thai food are severely limited. The most popular place around us puts bean sprouts in their Tom Yum, because apparently they were raised in a barn. I also really hate bean sprouts (and sriracha sauce) because of trauma, so there’s that whole .. thing. Basically, I’m not a fan of the local favourite – soup aside, the rest of their offerings are just not good. I can make better stuff at home with some paste and a handful of mushrooms.

Thanks to the pandemic, we’ve been abusing food delivery options like no other and I did manage to find a decent, “local” option for good soup. The catch: delivery from this place costs $6.49 each time, + Skip fees, + the “you’re in BC” fee, plus tip, plus taxes – a bowl of soup for me and some Pad Thai for Ed can easily come out to a $50+ order. I’m a rich bitch, but I’m also a cheap bitch and I just don’t want to pay $50+ for what I used to be able to get for $25 in Vancouver (and it was better – I miss Thailicious so much dammit). And yet, I crave. What’s a girl to do?

Find and try every single “instant” Tom Yum option there is, of course.

I’ve spent the last few weeks ingesting an inhuman amount of soup. I’ve tried kits and mixes and pastes and cartons and packets. I’ll find something with a decent broth but awful ingredients, or instant noodles that look promising yet taste like boiled asses in a paper cup. I’ve mixed store-bought with homemade to try and find the perfect balance of so-spicy-my-tits-fall-off and so-tangy-my-cheeks-go-numb that is so enticing yet so elusive. I get so close, but not close enough. Frustrating. I have soup blue balls and I need to release my seed.

During one of my drug-fueled fits of pantry organization, I found a box of instant Tom Yum packets that I bought years ago and promptly forgot about. The best before date passed sometime in 2018, but yolo so I boiled up some water and made a mug of soup. As usual, it wasn’t right – not even close actually, as Tom Yum broth isn’t supposed to look or taste like chicken noodle soup. Still, it had a promising aftertaste and I’ve gotten quite good at adding things to not-quite-right broth to make it .. still not right, but closer. I added more boiling water and a heaping spoonful of Tom Yum paste, some galangal powder, lime leaves, and a liberal amount of True Lime crystals and ..

It was great.

Spicy, tangy, warm, full of flavour, deliciousness.


The box had 5 packets of instant mix in it, and they did not last long. I went online to look for more, but because this is me and nothing whatsoever in my life can be simple and full of joy, I discovered the packets have been discontinued for some time now. There were a few places online that had it in stock, but they were all in Europe and didn’t ship to Canada, the US, OR to the UK so I couldn’t even order a case and redirect it to Friend Jen. I used every ounce of my Google-fu and kept coming up soupless, until I thought to try an internal tool at work — and found a gourmet ingredient store in Ottawa that still had the boxes in stock.

Reader, I bought them all.

I used the last packet I had yesterday, and upped my game by preparing it on the stove in a significant quantity then added an entire forest worth of mushrooms. It was wonderful, and I enjoyed my lunch very much, until I didn’t – I had hit the soup wall with a very loud splash. Tom Yum soup is actually pretty healthy, but having too much of anything is a bad idea and for the rest of the day I suffered greatly with soup belly, unable to eat anything else. I have no regrets, though, and as soon as my 30 packets of soup arrive, I’ll do it all over again with a smile. I really like this soup, y’all.

Even if my tummy hurts.

it me
chaos magic is nothing more than dried galangal

story time

Hey Kimli! Why are you so anal about RTFM?

When I was in Grade 4, our teacher handed out a test. He told us to carefully read the test first before we started filling in the answers. This was also printed on the top of the page. Naturally, everyone immediately started completing it, including me .. until I got to question 9 or so, which was to “stand up and shout ‘I’m first!'”.

I’ve always been a very fast reader, and I’ve always had social anxiety. When I got to that question (first, because speedy teacher’s pet), I froze. I couldn’t do it. I scanned the rest of the questions, and they all involved making some sort of spectacle of yourself: sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star aloud, run around the room backwards, do a dance beside your desk. I was horrified. Nine-year-old Kimli was not there for any of that shit.

I read until I got to the end of the page, where the full instructions were. The test was 20 “questions” long, but the directions specifically stated you were to fill in your name and answer the first two questions, and STOP. That was it.

After the test (which I’m sure was just an excuse for “quiet” time for my teacher), he asked the class “okay, who finished the test?”. Everyone put their hand up except me. “And who DIDN’T finish the test?” My hand went up, and the class went “whaaaat” because I was the best student in the class (remember this is grade 4 so basically it meant I could do basic multiplication and conjugate things). I was the ONLY ONE who read the entire quiz and followed the instructions*. The quiz wasn’t testing our ability to sing off key, it was testing our ability to RTFM.

I never forgot that lesson, even if I only “succeeded” (test didn’t affect our grades obviously) because of extreme social anxiety.

And that’s why you always leave a note read the fucking manual.

*: I did actually complete the first 8 questions, but in pencil and I had a really good eraser. When I realized what was up, I erased my answers past #2. So the lesson here is really “RTFM and cover your tracks”.

Apologies if I’ve told this story before. My blog is nearly 20 years old with around 15 years of DAILY content, so I’ve long since run out of things to talk about.

photo bomb!