Team No Babies

I was still fairly young when I made the decision that I wasn’t going to be a parent when I grew up. I didn’t have the best childhood, but that’s a story for another page. Still, I remember the promises I made to myself while young. As I grew older, my resolve only deepened: I was a firm member of Team No Babies.

Over the years, my reasons for the No Babies have changed slightly but the underlying sentiment is still strong. I’m of prime childbearing age, and my peers are all clamoring for infants or already have some. I’m not. I should be, I suppose – I’m supposed to melt and coo and get that ache in my heart when I see a particularly adorable kid – but I don’t. I often wonder why that is, because I admit that deep down even I figured that at some point my resolve for No Babies would crumble and I’d be just like everyone else. I’m not, though. I’m a member of Team No Babies in excellent standing, and not even my closest friend’s pregnancy has made me question my allegiance.

People often ask me why I don’t want children. Here are some excellent reasons why!

  • These are the names of my pets; past present and future:

    • Spot

    • Ozone Layer

    • Oatmeal Raisin Crisp

    • Java Nut

    • Sasha Isosceles Scrossle Triangle

    • Smoked Cheddar Cheese

    • Hobble Kazoo

    • Sir Bugford Perceval Wallenthrope the Third

    • Bartleby “Brown Sugar” Jones

  • Some strollers can cost $900 or more. Duct tape and bubble wrap, on the other hand, costs about $10

  • Apparently, you can’t take a baby home from the hospital without the appropriate car seat. My favourite solution: a cat carrier and a seatbelt!

  • There’s a public service announcement on TV about talking to your kids about Crystal Meth so they don’t experiment with it. When *I* was young (she said while shaking her fist at the whippersnappers on her lawn) the commercials were about talking to your kids about weed. Who the fuck experiments with crystal meth? Kids today, apparently. I don’t need that kind of hassle!

  • I enjoy my current lifestyle and don’t want to change it to accommodate .. anything.

  • I barely make enough money to keep myself in brand name fashions and expensive lotions, let alone buying diapers and stuff

  • Newspaper is, to my surprise, not an acceptable substitute for diapers

  • I don’t want pregnancy to ruin my awesome body

  • I enjoy watching and listening to things that children should not be exposed to

  • Cutting down on my caffeine is simply not an option

  • Neither is not dyeing my hairs

  • Babies POO. I do not like poo.


Don’t panic – nothing has changed; my membership in Team No Babies is as excellent as ever. I was just reading some older posts and realized that this post and all the comments that follow should definitely be included on this page. So, here. Further debate about babies, and many more words about my decision. Yay!

9 thoughts on “Team No Babies

  1. I’m also a member of Team No Babies, and I even did the hardcore body-mod to enforce it. I’ve never regretted it. You go girl. ; )

  2. I reluctantly am included in the Team Yes Babies, but would jump ship to Team No Babies anyday!

    BTW: these days, the way Hollywood is going with baby names, I think that Oatmeal Raisin Crisp would be smartly accepted.

  3. I am a failed member of Team No Babies. Actually, it was called No-Kidding based in the White Rock area.

    Any-hoo. I un-singled a mom. The easiest part was loving the child. The hardest part was ripping the ‘single-mom’ badge off her. There’s a T-shirt in this somewhere i suppose, and maybe even a book. “Un-Singling a Parent for Dummies” because there is very very little support in doing it.

  4. Is it wrong that I want to send a link for this page to my 22-year-old daughter? She’s a solid member of Team No Babies at this time (and has been since she was young, too – for many reasons…) But I’d like her to remain on that team from here on out. I’m of the belief there are ENOUGH babies out there already. She doesn’t need one, and I don’t need a Grandbaby, either!

  5. I can see why you might not want kids. People have different reasons for why they choose to not have them. Though I personally think I might have kids someday, I am in no way, shape, or form ready at the age of 22. It seems as though every single person I went to school with started having kids a few years ago. Maybe I’m immature but I’m just here thinking, “How the hell do they do it?”
    How can someone be content never leaving their hometown, and just being traditional? Heh, but hey, to each their own. On the other end of the spectrum, it ain’t my place to judge them. Nor theirs’, me.
    We’ve got but one life, so why not choose the path that makes you feel fulfilled.

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