I am tired of having red hair. Later this month, I will be returning to black. I will probably get tired of that soon enough and go back to red, but in the meantime I am mousy and disapproving.

Also, I am hormonal. I’ve been sitting at my desk for about two hours, completely enveloped in a white paper bucket of sad – for absolutely no reason. I am blue and melancholy. I am knee-deep in funk. I am wallowing in drama that does not exist. Even though I am lending credence to Ed’s theory that I often complain about having nothing to complain about, I am in fact sad that I am sad. Since that is obviously not anything a normal person would do – yes, I know I’m not the poster child for normal, but still – it must be hormones. I am pre-menstrual. Bring on the ice cream!

As much as I would like for this funk to disappear so I can go back to being jolly, it is in some small way a welcome sign of things to come. You see, last weekend I experienced .. things. Odd things, happening to my person. Since there was no logical reason for the nausea, vertigo, cravings or huge mood swings, I automatically self-diagnosed myself a pregnancy. To say “umm, oops” is but a drop in Understatement Ocean – but there was nothing else I could find that would fit. It didn’t help that over the course of my many accidents and injuries, I had been less than mechanical about taking my anti-baby medication. In fact, I fucked off probably close to a week’s worth of estrogen, skipped and then made up doses at random points during the week, and had unprotected sex with thousands of men, women and monsters with penis-like tentacles. All of this just added to my “Whoops, Baby” theory – it’s not just me being paranoid and overdramatic, it’s grounded in unlikely-but-still-possible truth. My current funk, delightful acne, and general all-around bloatie, mood-swingie self makes me think that perhaps the Festival of Menstruation will take place as planned. Ultimately, that would be a good thing. I’d just like to stop being sad, is all.

So! Who wants to cheer me up?