Many years ago, my dad found an old teddy bear in with the stuff that remained after I left home. He dressed it his old baseball uniform, the shirt worn on his station’s ball team. Dad loved playing baseball and told me about the teams he had been on throughout his career – apparently Montreal had enough broadcasting stations with teams that tournaments were formed (think the Anchorman brawl, with fewer moustaches and more outs). Dad tried to instill that love of baseball in me, but failed miserably: turns out there is actually a LOT of crying in baseball. Anyway, dad loved baseball and dressed a teddy bear his jersey and the bear had a place of honour in the home for many years.
After my dad died, my mom kept it (.. because hoarding runs in the family, and we keep everything) and when she sold the house to move to her current weird ass-home, the bear came with. It retained a place of honour: the lounge chair in the living room. That’s the bear’s/cat’s chair.
Dad passed in 2005, and mom’s been in her apartment since .. 2007? 2008? A long time. Bear’s still there. We hung out in December.
I’m 3 months deep in a massive archaeological dig, and recently unearthed a huge teddy bear Ed had given me early in our relationship. I hadn’t decided what to do with it, so it hung out in the femur-sized pile of things in limbo: I needed to Deal with These, just .. later.
That said, today did start with a treasure hunt for a picture of a girl in a martini glass. We’re 6/7 in the quest when I found trove (look, this is pirate-themed now): yearbooks! amazing shoes! a single crystalline rose suspended in time! baby witch gear! copies of doom and doom II on floppy disk! an old t-shirt of my dad’s!
I think you can see where this might be going:
The shirt I unearthed was dad’s team shirt from his station in Victoria. I had claimed it after dad died, and stashed it away on a shelf I couldn’t reach.
Say hi to Bear next time you visit #halfwack.
I am exhausted from all of these feelings and onions.
Favourite restaurants: Magma Hotel Bistro, Salka Valka in Reykjavik (the Mamma Mia pizza was amazing, had it two days in a row), Fish and Chips Lake Mývatn, Bastard Brew & Food in Reykjavik, Sveitasetrin at the Hofsstaður Guesthouse
Best hotel breakfast: Fosshótel Mývatn (Kimli), Sel Guesthouse (Ed)
Waterfalls seen: 71042
Trips to the tomato soup and homemade bread buffet that one guy made in Friðheimar: 8
Pieces of hákarl consumed (total): 5 6 (I had 2, Ed had 4 for some reason)
Amount of Diet Coke smuggled into the country: 3.5L
Geysers seen making a statement about ejaculation: 5
Favourite portions of the country: Southeast and East Iceland
Puffins seen: 0 :(
Northern Lights seen: 0
Incidents of an unfortunate nature: The jetlag hit me really hard when we landed and it took 4 days to get over the extreme exhaustion and generic crud, several (new) pairs of underwear I brought were the incorrect size
I don’t know why I thought I’d be able to age gracefully – I haven’t done a single graceful thing in my entire life. Tuesday’s child, full of grace my ASS.
I’ve been trying, though. Over the pandemic, I grew comfortable leaving the house looking less than Full Kimli. I go outside all the time without makeup. Yesterday, I left the house wearing PANTS and a T-SHIRT and what the fuck is up with that? Anyway, I’m trying. I even stopped colouring my hair to rediscover my natural hair colour, because “unmitigated disaster” is too much to fit on a driver’s license. My brother and sister have both been rocking dad’s bright white hair, but my mother’s genes are too strong – I didn’t get the graceful plume of Gandalf hair that gleams from afar and flutters lazily in the breeze. No, I’ve got some sort of passive Medusa ombré vortex of black and white and .. orange? Great. I’m a fucking Halloween decoration, and I don’t even get to turn people to stone.
Ed says he really likes my grey hair, so I’ve been keeping it for him and not at all because I’m too lazy to figure out what I want to do with it. The grey has been growing on me (no pun intended), but I don’t love it – especially not in the current state of hopeless fuckery that it’s in. Luckily, summer is almost over, and I’ll inevitably be in a sequinned beanie from now until next June. That’s plenty of time to decide what I’m doing with my head, right?
During this latest bout of unemployment, I’ve been trying to streamline my life to make things a little less chaotic. I’ve finally had to admit to myself that keeping my passwords organized in my head is probably not the best way to go about it, so I spent most of my Saturday setting up a password utility to remember things for me. I suppose I’m really late to the game on this one, but I’ve always prided myself on having a good memory and lately I’ve just been .. forgetting things. Passwords, dates, why I went into a particular room. I’ve forgotten what I was doing while doing it. This is all new, and I don’t know if it’s simply a symptom of age or other, leafier reasons. I don’t want to make myself sick worrying about my memory, so I’m going to try using lists and tools to keep shit organized. Progress. Small steps. Prune juice.
A life of leisure is surprisingly boring, so I’ve been passing the time with science.
Making tinctures is great fun and I love sharing the fruits of my labour, but the anxious weasel in my head had a lot of angst over math and philosophy (my calculations of potency were derived using some reeeeally sketchy math, the kind after school PSAs warned us about). To give the anxious weasel a rest, I splurged and spent my stock payout (lol) on a tCheck, a small device that connects to your phone via Bluetooth, runs some tests on the sample you provide, and spits out the potency. It is super neat.
Armed with science, I started two more batches of tincture. ANA-001 is 250ml of Everclear infused with 14g of Ancient Freezer Weed, provided by the divine MizAnna. She wasn’t sure if the weed was any good, so I didn’t really know what (if anything) to expect – and while I stripped out all the literal sticks, there were a lot of leaves and stems and it looked far different than the stuff I usually worked with.
The final yield of the plant matter was around 45g. I only used 250ml of Everclear in this batch, so after weighing out 14g, I soaked it all in the dark. I tested every two days to see how the longer soak time affected the potency.
Verdict: Most of the action happens within the first day of infusing, but a longer soak does increase the potency (albeit by very small amounts).
The very first test I did was after two days of undisturbed soaking. It tested at a girthy 10.7mg/ml right out of the gate, meaning I should have started testing a LOT earlier. Still, not bad.
Here, have some data:
48 hours: 10.7mg/ml
144h (harvest): 11.9mg/ml
The final yield after straining the tincture twice through a coffee filter was 170ml of ANA-001, which is 11.9mg/ml. It’s a dark, evil green and it is entirely awesome. I think. I haven’t actually tried it yet – I don’t really consume my science, the fun is in the testing. If I ever get a job, I’m thinking about saving up for an entire Science Laboratory so I can make potions of an exact nature all day long. I’ll need a lab coat.
The second experiment was far more humbling, and I did an additional learn. Batch SCP-001 started out as 17.44g of Cherry Pie, a hybrid I bought on sale. Then I got lazy: I find hand-grinding the flower to take a really long time and it makes me uncomfortably sticky, so I found a small coffee grinder to try and speed the process up. This may have been my undoing, because the coffee grinder is insanely powerful and it essentially turned the dried flower into dust. I think this destroyed most of the trichomes, because 12g of weed dust has been soaking in 500ml of Everclear for 4 days now, and it’s clocking in at 3.9mg/ml – and that’s only after I gave up on the original method (Ikea teapot), dumped it all into a mason jar, and added the remaining 5.44g of pulverized Cherry Pie.
Lesson learned. I’ll let this batch soak for another day, and then strain out the mulch. I didn’t bother reducing the alcohol content of ANA-001 because there was so little of it to begin with, but I’ll strain and reduce SPC-001 before I report a final potency. I’m not expecting any miracles, so I’ll reserve this batch for anyone who wants to dip their toes (not literally please) into THC tinctures – it’ll be super mild and mostly guaranteed (not a legal statement) not to destroy your weekend.
Beyond the science: I’m still unemployed, I officially turned down a position with a company based out of Texas for at least 3 reasons, and I’m 5 interviews deep with another company that I’m really hopeful about. I still miss my former team terribly, and I’m glad-but-sad that I finally got to meet them – the Vancouver work trip we had been planning when we got laid off actually happened, and I had dinner with the crew. So many faces were missing, but I hugged the hell out of the faces I got to meet and then sniffled all the way home.
On the whole, things are good. I’m trying to be calm and patient and understanding, but I usually end up on anxious and pacing and kinda lost. I also miss working, and not only because Everclear is really expensive but a) I need to be occupied at all times or I get into trouble doing SCIENCE and b) all this sitting around being useless is starting to affect my mental state.
I was laid off from Shopify on Tuesday. It was unexpected, although the writing had been on the wall for a while. Management kept saying layoffs weren’t happening, but the stock didn’t bounce back after the split and the questions were starting to get pointed. I’m not gonna lie – I was very upset when it happened and I cried for hours. Losing your job sucks. Our team went from around 24 people to 8, so most of us got cut and I feel terrible for everyone – those who lost their jobs, and those who have to pick up the slack of 16 people. I don’t think this is over, as we were drowning with work before they cut the team by two thirds. Fewer people does not equate to fewer work.
However, now that I’ve slept on it and did some math, I’m much better. I’ve been given a paid summer off! I will enjoy it for as long as my brain will allow (I get very very antsy when I don’t have income coming in), and I’ve got some interesting leads to follow. I’m sort of stalling on the resume update because it is probably my very least favourite thing to do in the whole universe and is impossibly hindered by my inability to sell myself seriously, but that’s my goal for today. Yesterday I mailed out tincture, returned something I panic-bought, and bought mushrooms for tonight’s dinner. Today, I will do laundry, make cannasugar, and update my stupid resume. One day at a time. How do you be a Lady of Leisure? I feel like this might require some fluffy mules.
I’m not all that torn up about leaving Shopify. They’re no longer the tech darling in Canada, and the mission was starting to get messy. I definitely miss my former co-workers, as I worked with some truly amazing people that I never got to meet in person (something I’m going to be sore about for a long time). The whole team was supposed to come out to Vancouver at the end of August for our long-overdue in person meeting, and I was really looking forward to it (albeit terrified at the whole “meeting new people” part) – if they still come out with the tiny team, I’m gonna crash the meeting to say hi. It won’t be the same, but it’s as close as I can get. I’ll have to stalk the others online.
I am sad, but not broken.
I will eat the cannasugar until I am less sad (and way more broken).
Anyone need a technical writer? I know where you can get 16 or so. I’m the shiny!
Several weeks back, a friend told me about tinctures. I am nothing if not easily swayed by complicated arts and crafts, so I did some reading and set about to make some tincture. And I did! Here are words:
My COVID became less detectable with every test I took, and last night’s test was totally clear. Ed’s tests have remained negative throughout my COVID, and so with our matching double negative (the only acceptable kind of double negative) results, we threw caution to the wind and hugged. We hugged hard, guys.
I won’t lie: when I first tested positive, I was terrified. I’m clinically extremely vulnerable, according to our local health organization. My comorbidities have comorbidities. I ended up having COVID for a total of ten days, and it was hard. I was tired, headachy, and once I coughed up a gross wad of grey stuff.
.. and that was fucking it.
Thanks to my three doses of the Pfizer vaccine, when I finally caught COVID, it felt like a cold. An extremely minor cold. In the grand scheme of Diseases I have Experienced, COVID ranks somewhere between “bad week for allergies” and “pulled a neck muscle sleeping”. It was nothing.
I didn’t come out of it unscathed, though: I still have a (tiny) cough, and my appetite and subsequent blood sugar levels are fluctuating wildly. And .. that’s it. Two years ago, this would have killed me. Thanks to the vaccines, all I went through was a week or so of mild headaches, and no hugs for 13 days.
I don’t think I’m doing a very good job of explain just how much of a nothing my covid experience was, because I’m frankly amazed. I’ve had paper cuts that were worse. Science is incredible. Thank you, modern medicine, for developing a vaccine that kept me alive through a global pandemic that has killed millions. We don’t deserve you, but you’re basically our only hope.
The end of May is around the corner, and for the first time in over two years, I’m excited about what lies ahead.
I never understood the appeal of colouring books. The perfectionist in me was horrified that I’d be responsible for, let’s face it, ruining how the image looks with my clumsy colouring skills, and my hands cramped in protest: I can’t physically write or draw or colour for long without my weird elf hands just seizing. I loved the aesthetic of beautifully coloured images, but hated the pain I’d have to go through to not even come close at making anything pretty. Nice idea, but not for me.
I also fucking love building pretty Lego sets.
There’s something deeply, intensely relaxing about letting go and following instructions for the sake of beauty and joy. If I do it right, my reward is this odd, colourful little piece of art that fits right in with my entire aesthetic and I can’t kill it. I am in control of the speed at which the project is completed and the preciseness of instructions followed, but not the beauty of the outcome.
Assembling Lego is my colouring book. It makes my world a little bit quieter and a little bit brighter at the same time. It keeps my hands occupied. I can listen to music. I don’t have to think or listen or focus or create, I can just tune out and accomplish something for fun. The end result affects, and is for, no one but me – and there is no pressure about it. It is, or it isn’t. That’s it.
Is that what true relaxing is?
Anyway, if this is the same reason people love colouring books, I totally get it. This is niiiiice. My brain is napping.
The irony of finding following instructions the most relaxing thing is like 3 extra layers of fucked up that I am not yet ready to face thank you.
First is first: my COVID is progressing mildly. I’ve had some instances of Feeling Gross, but for the most part it’s a chest rattle and some l33t light hacking. I’m still infected (extremely and immediately, according to the last two rapid tests), but otherwise fine.
That doesn’t mean I’m not not ENTIRELY MISERABLE, though. My entire week has been a towering inferno of disappointment and salad dressing, the details of which I will now describe in agonizingly inane detail.
So, this COVID thing. I can’t leave the house even more than I usually don’t leave the house, and it’s giving me significant cabin fever. Amongst my COVID angst:
Ed’s been home since Wednesday, and we haven’t been able to hug or kiss or make an mockery of procreation. I need hugs! Although tbh I really like the separate bed thing as it turns out I enjoy getting enough sleep.
I had plans for tomorrow that included three things I was looking forward to:
Hanging out with Shan (Shanging)
Breakfast at Deacon’s Corner which is my favourite and it’s been so long and I’ve been ever so good
Running around downtown Vancouver on a spectacular spring day, just existing
Side note – missing out on any one of the three items above would have been keenly felt, but all three of them together is just a dick move, universe.
On Monday, I’m missing lunch in Vancouver again (!!) with friends I haven’t seen (in SIXTY YEARS no lie at) my other favourite, Anton’s, to celebrate Shan’s belated birthday. I’m extremely sad to miss this for basically the same reasons as above, except with pasta for daaaaaaays. I’m actually double missing this one: even if I didn’t have COVID, I’m doing an online conference all day Monday. The COVID just makes it extra layer of fun, because Ed probably shouldn’t go either even if he’s negative, just in case.
That’s all bad, right? WELL THERE’S MORE!
An interesting development I was courting fell through and it made me sadder than I had anticipated
A pair of shoes I ordered are too big and an item was missing from the order (sold out and oops)
I’m insanely busy at work and this is the worst possible time I could have picked to get sick, so I’m stressing out about my work not getting done
.. and the same time, I’m still working except now I have guilt that I’m not working at my best or quickly enough which Jesus Christ woman pick a neurosis and stay in one fucking lane
.. and that whole “stressing and working myself into Scary COVID” thing hovering back there somewhere
*ahem* all that to say I was supposed to go to a work retreat thingie the week after next and I was nervous but really kinda excited about it – but because of my covidity AND my workload, I decided it be best if I didn’t go
I think that’s it. All the big ones, anyway. I could probably go on for an hour, but that sounds exhausting.
Basically, I am a very sad duck and I am allowed to be so. Feeling sad is a natural reaction to disappointment, and no one is judging me for my sadness.
Anyway, join me next time when I explain how my special flavour of damaged is a paradox and that’s so on brand I could just fucking spit !