Monthly Archives: October 2007

corn dogs and gravity

Posted in adventure by

I like fun!

Last night the 6 of us plus Special Guest Jeremy went to Fright Night at the PNE grounds. It’s a pretty good deal if you don’t mind the cold; discounted admission to the grounds, a limited selection of rides, and not very many children. Perfect for us because all we really wanted to do was go on the Wooden Rollycoaster – it’s been on our List for a long time now, and we can finally cross it off.

Shan, Miranda and I were braver than the boys and we hit up the Swings and the Corkscrew. I regret my decision to go on the coaster; I do not like being flung around by rickety mechanics. Still, I couldn’t very well get off the ride once it started and I made the best of it. Thankfully the rides were Timbit editions; you only got to go around once which was fine by me. Scary! I went on the other coaster after that, and regretted it almost as much. If I recall, my prominent line of the evening was “WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT THE TUNNEL WOULD BE A GOOD FUCKING IDEA????” and also a tragic picture of me was taken that will never, ever see the light of day. After we got off the coaster, we did other midway type things: eating corn dogs, playing silly games in exchange for crappy prizes, stood in lines, and had some good wholesome fun because we are good like that. I managed to get Ed on the Ferris Wheel, then we all decided it was time for real food so we left the park and headed to Denny’s. We ate questionable but delicious foods, had free refills on our much-needed hot chocolate, and left a giant tip for our awesome waitress. Oh, and we tried to spy on the police but we couldn’t get a close enough shot of their laptop screen through three windows and the dark. It looked like they were writing an essay. I hope someone proofreads it before they hand it in.

Good Times were had by all, and tonight we will attempt to have Fun with Explosives. Josh has his First Aid kit ready to go, and I am being strictly limited to sparklers, but it should be a good time. Yay for Halloween! Tomorrow, all the leftover candy will be REALLY CHEAP!

I took many pictures. Some turned out. Go see!

abrupt 180

Posted in everyday kimli, nerd by

I swear I am not bi-polar:

(Josh, don’t read this) We placed a huge Think Geek order on Saturday, and it arrived this morning. Holy shit in a flying whore hat, that’s fast. Plus! Although we paid the 300% increase in shipping to have it sent to Canada so’s we didn’t have to bother Ali again and it came by UPS, they didn’t charge us extra for the privilege of their services! This never happens; UPS likes to charge me a lot of money when they bring me things I’ve already paid money for. However, I’m starting to notice that the more you pay in ridiculous shipping costs OR the more expensive the item, the happier the boys in brown are to just give you the package and send you on your merry way. Cases in point:

  • Free swag sent to me by Speakeasy: $55 in brokerage fees
  • Necklace I bought online for $40: $7 in brokerage fees
  • Fancy and expensive jewellery with free shipping: Nothing
  • Giant box of delightfully geeky goodness and $40 in shipping: Nothing

I am starting to hate UPS a little less!

Since I am in a much better mood (Paul the Favouritest Postman also brought me two things off my Waiting List, plus the new issue of Nintendo Power), I will finally announce the winner of the Delicious Juice Dot Haiku Contest:

It dawned on me after I posted the contest that I *hate* doing contests because I always feel so bad picking one person over another. You would not believe the guilt I have – it is huge and throbbing. I’m sorry! I really am! Please don’t hate me for picking a favourite!

That being said, I cheated and picked two favourites.

The most excellent ‘nee hit the nostalgic chord with her entry of:

listening to RENT!
me mom and morgentaler
along Oak Bay Drive

And Ali made me squee with her entries, but especially:

Kimli is the queen
In her universe of juice
Ruled by heaving boobs

So I will send a copy of Transformers to ‘nee, and get another copy to bring to Ali’s place this weekend. Compromise! Thank you all who wrote me a haiku; they were completely awesome. If I was employed, I would have bought copies for everyone because I hate having to pick just one favourite, but I am poor so I can’t and I am sorry. :( !

I like being in a good mood much more than never-ending rage. I don’t even care that I just spilled a cup or so of salsa down my shirt!

drunk with fury

Posted in medical anomaly by

I am thinking about going back on my brain medication.

I do not want to do this. However, since coming off, I’ve noticed the following:

  • I just can’t live without rageahol – I am angry damn near all the time. I am angry at people and places and things. I find myself wishing someone would throw a punch at me just so I have an excuse to go all postal. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a punch, either – go on, cut me off on my scooter or change lanes into me. I WILL WISH THAT I COULD FUCK YOU UP
  • My casual swearing has increased by 400%, and has gone up in volume – I am no longer discrete about describing run of the mill things peppered with things like “holy mother of fuck”, “this is the best shit fucking son of a cunt sandwich I’ve ever had”, and “hey, your mom’s a whore – did I mention I saw an eagle yesterday?”
  • Things that may have mildly annoyed me while medicated are infuriating now
  • I am much more dissatisfied with my life than before, possibly because of my ongoing fury
  • I have much more disgust for the things, people, ideas, lifestyles, I find distasteful, rude or stupid. Normally this would be a non-issue, except see bullet points 2 and 3.
  • Normal people would be disappointed that they can’t get a dog. I am blindingly, wildly, viciously, fumingly, violently mad about it. Do you want to fight? I will fight you over it. I am small but insane, and my tiny mutant elf hands could do a lot of damage.
  • Angry. Angry. Angry. Did I mention that I’m angry? Maybe it’s just left over from last night’s festivities, but I am angry.

So, yeah. Maybe I’m not crazy after all, I’m just plain mad to an unhealthy degree. Good thing you’d never know it to look at me.

Cheery stupid happy updates will return soon, I promise.

unhappy

Posted in relationship drama by

This question may be about 30 years late in the asking, but how do you cope with not getting your way?

I want a pug, very badly. I’m presently at the stage where pictures of pug puppies make me sniffly – okay, let’s be honest, they make me actually cry – because I want a pug so very much. I’ve done all the research, I know what to expect, I can afford a pug, I happen to have oodles of free time to care for one. So why don’t I have a pug?

Well, contrary to this post made earlier this year, Ed is no longer open to us getting a pug. At one point in time he was actually (so he told me) okay with it. We were going to wait until our debt was taken care of, then look into getting a pug. Yay! Pug for Kimli! What a happy day that would be!

The year rolled on, our debts went away, and .. Ed doesn’t want to get a dog. Ever. Nope, not going to happen, never ever no dog for you. The end. No dog. Tough luck for you, but Ed does not want a dog so a dog we do not have.

I imagine this is somewhat similar to the “yes babies/no babies” discussion, except I can’t accidentally show up pregnant with a pug one day and suggest that some sort of higher deity willed it to happen.

I want a dog. I am increasingly resentful and bitter towards Ed for going back on his word that he’d be okay with getting a dog and for stringing me along until it was time then oops changing his mind. I am angry that his opinion on this matter seems to be the final decision, knowing that the reverse could be said about my decision to get a dog should I suddenly show up with one. I am sad and mad and not glad and did I mention the resentful and bitter because those two are really the important ones here. I am annoyed that I am married, because this would not be an issue if I was single. That may be a little irrational – talk to me again when I’m not so upset – but it’s also probably not healthy to daydream of packing up and running away and getting a dog and a Del Sol and a little townhouse in Kits and anything else that I feel my current marital status is keeping me from.

I know I could just show up one day with a pug, but that doesn’t seem like a very fair solution either. Maybe I could distract him and then sneak a pug into the house. Does someone have a car or a hockey I could borrow?

Seriously, though: how do you cope with not getting your way?

to serv and proteck

Posted in everyday kimli by

I am a hardened criminal.

Last night I picked up Miranda, and we headed to the airport to fetch Josh and Shan from their weekend trip to exotic Regina. We were most of the way through downtown when we were pulled over by a cop. I immediately checked to see if my lights were on – they were – then ran through the other possibilities for my being harassed by The Man. I wasn’t speeding, I didn’t go through a red or even yellow light, I didn’t cut anyone off, and I didn’t do that thing where you go around a corner on two wheels. I was confused but open-minded; perhaps there was a mistake. Maybe they were looking for a REAL criminal who happened to drive a white Mazda 3 and thought perhaps I was that criminal. Miranda fished my registration out of the glove box, I rolled down my window, and said hello to The Man (who was actually a young woman).

“Hello there, I pulled you over because you made a right hand turn from Richards onto Helmcken, and that is illegal between 11pm and 6am.”

It was 11:03pm.

Are you fucking shitting me.

She went on to tell me that I had tinted front windows and that was also illegal, and could I please hand over my license and registration.

WHAT THE FUCK!

Okay, the tinted windows – that is 100% Ed’s fault, as he actually paid money to have them slathered with illegality. But the turn? Three minutes into a really bizarre time restriction? On a Sunday night? On GRANVILLE, three days before Halloween? Seriously, isn’t there a bar fight or stabbing she should be breaking up instead of pulling me over? Grrrrr.

She came back and handed me my stuff along with a nice $109 ticket. The ticket wasn’t for the turn, but for the windows. We get a lovely $25 discount if we pay the ticket within 30 days, but that’s still a $84 fine for something Ed insisted we pay for the privilege of having installed. Guess how awesome this is? That’s right; it totally isn’t at all.

I would so make Ed pay this, but all our money is linked and I’m the one who’ll actually have to go through the process of paying it anyway, so why bother.

I looked over the ticket while we were waiting for the flight to come in. To add insult to injury, the cop thinks I am very old (she didn’t check off the Young Person box), and she SPELLED VANCOUVER WRONG. I should get a 100% discount just for that alone – any respect for her authority I may have had went flying out my tinted windows when I saw that. Spelling mistakes infuriate me. Spelling mistakes made by people with guns still infuriate me, but there’s less I can do about it. How do you spell the name of the city you live in (and serve and protect and have plastered all over your CAR) wrong? What the hell, dude. I am more disgusted over that than I am the ticket itself. Illiterate bastards.

The winner of the Haiku contest will be posted this afternoon, I promise!

cheap in more ways than one

Posted in everyday kimli by

Awesome: finding a supremely flattering dress in your size
Awesomer: finding TWO supremely flattering dresses in your size
Awesomest: getting the two supremely flattering dresses in your size for $35 total, tax in
Super Hyper Mega Awesome: local designers clearing out the last of their summer stock for super cheap!

Hooray! Now I have something to wear to Ed’s Corporate Holiday Event next month, and something for the fancy champagne reception at Bodacious on Thursday night! I just need to find a way to make the one dress show slightly more cleavage and I’m good to go. After all, you know my motto: “It’s not cleavage unless it makes somebody uncomfortable”.

Don’t try that at home, kids.

With the good, however, comes the confusing. Contrary to logical belief, Pumpkin Pie Blizzards are not at ALL delicious. Not one bit. An excellent idea with a tragic follow-through, I’m now tempted to drop everything and make up my own tasty pumpkin treats that do not taste like cold baby food with mystery chunks.

I have a Plan: I aim to be done my holiday shopping by the end of November, and then spend the month of December baking. I love baking but I’ve avoided it because our oven sucks. I might invade Miranda’s house and use her oven instead, or perhaps run double duty between our apartment and Shan’s – at any rate, baking will be done and it will be delicious and confusing or somewhat disappointing like my non-good Blizzard treat.

Now I am off to nap before heading to the airport at super late times to pick up Josh and Shan.

zzz

hate my neighbour; win a prize

Posted in everyday kimli by

Hey, everyone! Here’s a little quiz!

It’s 1 in the morning on a weeknight. You’re drunk, you’re old, you’re having a conversation with a deaf man outside your apartment door, in the hallway. If someone asks you to please take your conversation inside, should your appropriate answer be:

a)    “Oh I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize what time it was!”
b)    Say nothing, but go inside your apartment and close the door
c)    “Put a sock in it, I’ve lived here for 14 years and I’m talking to a deaf gentleman”

If you’ve answered C, then you are Drunk Betty and please stop reading the internet and instead oh I don’t know, stop being so damn drunk and old and loud. Living here for 14 years does NOT give you any kind of power over us impertinent whippersnappers; you’re TALKING LIKE THIS right outside our apartment door and it’s so loud I expect to find you in bed with us. I hate you, Drunk Betty. You are quite beyond belief.

Hello to the lovely people who seem to be descending upon my humble juice box in large numbers – I don’t know where you’re coming from or why, but I am certainly not complaining. Hello to you! Pull up a chair and grab a bottle of wine!

So hey, it turns out that I somehow – completely unintentionally, of course – bought two copies of the new Transformers movie on DVD. It’s not like I bought one, then went to another store and realized THEY were selling an exclusive edition in a fancy tin case or anything – no, it was a complete accident. Quite embarrassing. How silly of me. Anyway, I have two copies of the film and I’d like to give one away. Of course, I’m going to make you work for it because I am mean like that. If you’d like a chance to have me send you stuff, here’s what you have to do:

Write me a haiku about Delicious Juice Dot Com and post it in my comments below. I’ll keep it going until Sunday at 6pm PST, then pick my favourite and you’ll get a prize. Please try to keep the haikus to a maximum of three entries per person, and I’ll be quite offended if you censor yourself in any way. I know it’s not the grandest of prizes, but haikus are easy to write and really fun. So, um. Yes. Have at it, then.

Contest is void if you’re Drunk Betty, because I don’t like you.

confession

Posted in nerd by

I almost feel bad for building hype about my horrible, shocking confession – it’s only going to shock one or two people at most, and in the grand scheme of things it really isn’t *that* horrible. Still, this is me. I can’t get the mail without it being a big production. Seriously, ask me sometime what happened when I went to get the mail today.

Okay. Ready? Deep breath taken? Sitting down? Legs spread in case you need to place your head between your knees? Here we go, then:

Continue reading →

fight fight fight

Posted in everyday kimli by

Can someone be your nemesis if they don’t really do anything to nemesize you?

There’s a lady who lives on the bottom floor of our building, and it is generally known that she is crazy. She is not crazy like I am crazy; my crazy is more “manic cheerleader” whereas her crazy is talking to herself, forcefully engaging strangers in uncomfortable conversations, and having her kids taken away from her because she lives in a utility closet kind of crazy. Not at all the same, really.

It dawned on me recently that none of us actually know her name. While I admit we hipsters are a standoffish sort, we honestly could never get a word in edgewise to introduce ourselves so she’s been known as “The Crazy Lady Downstairs” since day one. She’s the one who insists that we live in the ghetto of North Vancouver, that the landlord is a horrible slumlord because he lets her rent the half apartment half utility room she lives in, and that as soon as she gets her baby back she is so out of here and that the one time we lost a cat out the window it definitely went back to Calgary because it doesn’t want to live in the ghetto of North Vancouver. She has a lot to say. Not very much of it makes sense.

When I was checking the mail yesterday for things that will never arrive, I saw an envelope attached to the free for all corkboard. It was addressed to #14, which is where the crazy lady lives, and it had a name on it. Finally! A name to put to the crazy lady’s face!

The letter was addressed to Kimberly Lou Last Name.

Her name is Kimberly Lou.

Kimberly is commonly shorted to Kim.

That means her name is Kim Lou.

I am Kim Lee (even though I spell it Kimli).

CLEARLY, WE MUST FIGHT!

She is totally my archenemy, my nemesis, the Bizarro Land version of me! Kim Lee versus Kim Lou, live in the Ghetto of North Vancouver! This will be a close one. She is crazy, but I am feral and I fight dirty. Also, I am clearly the more awesome one so I am not at all worried.

FIGHT!

Oh, right – I promised a shocking confession. Well, that will have to wait. I am too busy plotting my attack.

FINISH HIM! I mean, HER!

mostly shower curtains

Posted in nerd by

Someone write a song about me, please.

There are lots of songs with girl’s names as the title and some of them are awesome. I’ve been sort of addicted to The Plain White T’s “Hey There Delilah”, in part because there’s a real Delilah and a backstory and everything (and now, a response from “her” lawyer! Heeeee, brilliant.) . I wish there was a song about Kimli, but only sort of – I’d want it to be an *awesome* song, but not one that was so awesome that it would make people name their babies after it. I want my delicious, moist cake and I would like to eat it too: someone please write a hit song about me, but put a strange line in there that would make people think twice about using it as a name for a kid. I’m not demanding at all, really. Oh, and if it could have a Rock Flute in it, that would be awesome.

I should probably explain why the site has gone from Juice to Cake, too. I’ve been playing a game on the 360 called Portal, which is only the best game to be released this year and quite possibly ever. It’s an action/puzzle/FPS/comedy game, which would be an impossible genre to wrap your head around unless you’ve played it (and even then, you will be saying “what the FUCK?!” while playing it then laughing hysterically). Anyway, a major plot point in the game is cake. The temporary title of my site refers to that, and also to this song (don’t listen or read the lyrics if you’re planning on playing Portal, but I swear it’s worth it even for non-gamers), which appears over the ending credits and is utterly genius. It was written by Jonathan Coulton (he of the Ikea song, the equally brilliant Skullcrusher Mountain, and so much more) whom I have oft admired but now absolutely adore.

It’s sunny outside, and warm-ish. I need to pick up more special cat food for Sasha, so I will scoot there. Yay! She threw up early this morning, but I’m pretty sure it’s because she was hungry and got into Cheddar’s food, then realized it was gross and purged it. She seems fine, if indignant that I left her to starve while I dozed away the wee hours of the morning.

Next up on Delicious Cake Juice Dot Com: a horrible, shocking confession!