no blood for you

There’s a job title that I hadn’t considered but is obviously perfect for me: Vampire Hunter.

I finally managed to scare myself into going to the doctor to ask why I am downtrodden with the Verts all the damn time. The doctor took my blood pressure (after deciding she needed to use the Fatty McFat Arm Cuff on me because I am so obviously corpulent, except it promptly fell off my less-huge-than-she-thought arm – take that, Dr. Skinny) and asked a series of invasive questions (honestly, by the time she got to asking my thoughts on the reverse cowgirl and how I feel about tea bagging as a sport, I began to wonder if I had mistakenly walked into the other kind of clinic). She told me that she didn’t think I had anything deathly serious and that I was probably low on iron (dashing my hopes that I am Iron Man) and sent me along for some blood work at the lab down the hall. Super! Off I went.

Except the primary side effect of having blood withdrawn is feeling weak, faint and dizzy. I am already AT the weak, faint and dizzy stage – getting blood drawn on an empty stomach was, quite frankly, not the best idea I’d had since I used to walk along the lower breakwater during violent windstorms. Also, there’s an inherent danger when I have to get blood drawn – namely, I don’t have any.

(this is why I would make a good Vampire Hunter, get it? I don’t have any blood, so vampires could suck until dawn and they would still be hungry and I would still be un-undead)

I warned the Blood Taker that I am without blood, and she chuckled politely. Then she couldn’t find a vein in my right arm, so she went to the left. Nope, no vein. Back and forth between the two arms until she thought she felt a pulse, so she whipped out a baby needle – I HATE baby needles – and started poking away. I’m not squeamish or anything, but she lost the vein and started fucking my arm with the needle to try for red gold. She eventually gave up and went back to my right arm, this time using a grown-up needle. Same problem. No veins, no blood, and all the arm fucking in the world wasn’t going to make blood come out of me. She finally gave up on me altogether because a line was forming in the waiting room and people were staring at me in horror, and called in the expert – Randall!

I gave Randall the same warning about the no blood, and he laughed. Oh, he was going to get blood out of me – he was going to take it out of my HANDS. Out came another baby needle (ow ow ow), and Randall’s magic touch made my juices start flowing. He got three vials of blood out of me and sent me away with three band aids, a pounding headache, more holes than when I started, and anticipation that I will soon stop having to plan my day around how many hours of vertical time I can manage.

My hand hurts. However, I have Tiger Tiger ice cream and that just about fixes anything at all.

camping (the good kind)

I hate abusing the right not to use complete paragraphs, but too much fun stuff happened this past weekend for me to obey the rules of grammar. You’d be here reading until next Thursday if I wrote it all out in story form, so you just get bulleted lists of delight:

  • Big group breakfast at the Tomahawk. Almost everyone was hung over; I skipped the previous night’s festivities but due to my vertigo I was as unstable as the rest
  • The weekend weather promised to be gorgeous, and there were no set plans made. Hey, let’s go camping! Everyone agreed to go home and get ready for an afternoon departure
  • Ed and I had errands to run at the mall so we scooted there after breakfast
  • I got my phone fixed, and a “fun bundle” added on – yay for mobile browsing!
  • A post-apocalyptic sweater was purchased
  • Ed was a witness as I was asked to produce my Status Card at the drug store. This has only happened to me once before, at a gas station in Duncan in 1994 and none of my current crew were around then. It was the stuff of legends, because to my friends and most people I am very clearly some sort of Asian and not Native Canadian – but I was vindicated; some people DO think I look Native! I relayed the story to others, and for the rest of the weekend “my people” were brought up at every opportunity. Sadly, I still had to pay tax on my razor blades and chewing gum.
  • I opted out of the camping trip because I still wasn’t feeling very good and I didn’t want to potentially pass out from the Verts and have my friends not know what to do with me
  • I pretty quickly changed my mind; I didn’t want to be left out. Ed wasn’t able to come because of his hot date with Mike at the hockey game, which meant I would have been left all alone while everyone else was out having fun. I got my stuff ready and was picked up on the way to the ferry for some camping goodness
  • We hopped the boat to Gibsons and drove through Sechelt, where I want to scoot and stay one weekend I am not even kidding.
  • We were stuck behind a large truck carrying two trailers worth of Emergency Hay – we arrived to the other ferry just as it was pulling away from the terminal
  • Josh spun the Delica around as we were going to go with Plan B – camping somewhere on that side of the water – when a Ferry Man stopped us; the boat was COMING BACK FOR US
  • Anyone who’s ever dealt with BC Ferries – the omnipresent cold impersonal corporate monopoly that makes people pay through the ass to get around the BC coast when there are no other options – would know some inkling of the shock we felt. BC Ferries don’t just turn around because someone missed the boat. Any anger we felt towards Emergency Hay Man was quickly turned to reverence; although he definitely made us miss the boat he is probably also the only reason the boat opted to come back and gather him and the four other vehicles trapped behind him as he drove very slowly through the one-lane winded roads along the coast line
  • My personal theory was that we were allowed on the boat because there was a horror movie being filmed and we were to be the next hapless victims of the Sunshine Coast Slasher – the boat was eerily deserted, and it was fucking creepy
  • Five nerds are harder to take out than you might think, and we all made it to Powell River in one piece
  • We stopped for weenies and marshmallows and other camping necessities in the oldest grocery store known to man
  • After following sketchy directions – “go 15.6km from the Petro Canada that DOES NOT EXIST” – we found our desired campgrounds at Dinner Rock
  • We set up camp – roasted weenies – roasted marshmallows – enjoyed the fire – and went to bed around 1am; Miranda and Reilly in a tent (they are hardcore) and Josh, Shan and I in the Delica (slightly less hardcore)
  • Up at the crack of dawn, made a quality breakfast, then went exploring
  • The town of Lund is the most awesome place ever – it’s the furthest point along the Sunshine Coast and is a small quirky harbour town
  • I stopped to take some pictures of some dahlias growing in the wild – they’re my favourite flower, and I’d never seen wild ones before
  • I turned the giant flower around for a better shot
  • And there’s a snail cozily sleeping in the center of the flower
  • I just about peed myself
  • I LOVE SNAILS !!!!
  • I snapped many pictures, then realized that Lund had snails EVERYWHERE – tiny ones, big ones, gorgeous ones with shell patterns and colours I’d never seen before
  • I am going to buy this house and move to Lund and buy a pug and take pictures of snails all day long and it will be super
  • SNAILS!!!!
  • I was eventually pried away from the snails
  • We explored more of the coast, then got on the 3:30 boat to head back to Gibsons where we had to get on another boat to get back to home
  • We saw some yurts!
  • And a man-child wearing dragon-themed bling – he was freshly shaved, but you cannot hide the Neck Beard
  • After dropping Miranda and Reilly off downtown and unloading the Delica, I was home and showered and clean with cats and Ed at 9pm last night, exhausted but giddy coz I want camping for the first time in about three decades, I saw snails, and I was home which was super

Um, that’s about it. I took about 400 pictures but helpfully only uploaded 53 of them – go see my snails! And other stuff too, but SNAILS !!