Hey, internet: is this illegal?

Upstairs has a lot of parties – for the last two nights, our building has been the most popular dorm on campus. On Saturday night around 2:30am, a trickle of sluts came tramping (hah!) down the stairs like a herd of finely coifed elephants and waited outside for a taxi, shrieking the entire time. They are loud and obnoxious and clearly do not understand the meaning of the terms “inside voice” or “pants in winter”.

My devious solution is as follows: when the gaggle of drunken ninnies start their shit outside our building at incredible volumes, I would like to snipe them with a water gun. I wouldn’t fill it with ketchup or cat urine or vinegar; just water. Then I’d shoot at them from the darkness of my own apartment (not that their addled brains would be able to triangulate my location anyway). Think about it. They’d be drunk, stupid, barely dressed, loud, waiting outside at 2am, and wet. HILARITY! There are few things I can think of right now that would be funnier!

Would this be illegal? I’m not technically causing them harm, just making them cold. I’m pretty sure it would make them even louder, but I’d be awake anyway so what’s the difference. You can’t tell them to shut up – they giggle and say OOPS SORRY then 10 seconds later they’re screaming again. It would do me a great deal of good to see the little whores shivering and pathetic on my doorstep in the wee hours of the morning – after all, they’re disturbing my peace. Why shouldn’t I be able to disturb theirs?

I think I’ll buy a water gun tomorrow.