Misreading an article suggesting that you “fill your plate with AIDS!” makes for an exciting morning.

Please sir, may I have some more AIDS?

You know, to go with the 17 other AIDS I have?

I jest, I jest – I only have 4.

Today’s “Slow News Day” headline of choice:

Who’s to blame when your children swear?

I am. Sorry ’bout that. What can I say – I’m an inarticulate motherfucker.

I need something to look forward to that doesn’t come in the mail. Any ideas?