With a flurry of preparation mostly done by talking mice dressed in tiny aprons and hats, Castle Awesome had never looked better. The walls gleamed, the floors shone softly, and Princess Zanzibelle herself was decked out in all the finery the pumpkin patch could create. At long last the day had arrived, and Princess Zanzibelle was determined that everything would be so far beyond perfect that Castle Suck would cower and hide their shame.

After the initial pleasantries were exchanged, a look of disconcerted recognition flashed across the face of Castle Suck’s elder statesman. This was the moment Princess Zanzibelle had been waiting for, and it was as though a beautiful daydream had come to life: never before had she been so praised with flowery prose as at that moment. It was so nice to see her again! Princess Zanzibelle really was their favourite princess, you know, but we had to give the castle to our princess from within! Castle Awesome sure is lucky to have you! You are highly skilled and beautiful to behold! We clearly made a mistake haw haw!

Princess Zanzibelle smiled a beatific smile, winked slyly at her people gathered behind her, and sagely suggested they get down to the business at hand.

Sometimes, it is satisfying to be me Princess Zanzibelle.

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, there lived a princess. She was, as princesses go, a fairly subversive princess – while all the other princesses would regularly get together for tea and tiny sandwiches to talk about love and marriage and how beautiful and lucky they were to be princesses and not regular folk like you and me, this particular princess would usually be found out in the gardens on her hands and knees, looking for bugs and talking to them. Instead of learning etiquette and proper social graces, this princess would be in the armoury alphabetizing all the weapons by size and ammunition. Instead of dances, there was Dance Dance Revolution. Instead of horse riding, there was horse groom riding. This princess was unpolished. Also, she was kind of fat.

The princess – whom we shall call Princess Zanzibelle, for that is a great name – lived in a time of turmoil. Her once peaceful kingdom was at war, and before long, Zanzibelle found herself in need of a new home. She longed to stay at the castle she had known and loved for so long, but evil had settled in and poisoned that which she had once held dear. Zanzibelle was cruelly cast out of her home, and with a princess-sized cash settlement (plus bi-weekly stipends from the Royalty Assistance Program), she set her sights on finding a new home.

Zanzibelle looked long and hard for a new castle, but times were tough all over. Being a rather specialized princess, it was a little more difficult for Zanzibelle to find a new home than most. After all, she was royalty and could not be expected to settle for anything less than her station. She searched high and low; near and far. At times, she grew desperate and scared. Through it all, though, the princess held up her fat royal chin and bravely soldiered on.

After many attempts, Zanzibelle saw a castle that seemed perfect. The location was great, the minions were pleasant, and best of all, it was a near-perfect fit. Zanzibelle rushed home after seeing the castle, confident that she had made an excellent impression and would be offered a place to live promptly. At last, a home! Zanzibelle was beside herself with excitement. She started packing her things, waiting for the phone to ring. They had to want her. She was perfect for the role castle. How could they possible pass her by?

Of course, that’s exactly what happened. Zanzibelle waited and waited and waited, but no phone call came. Finally, in confusion, she called the castle to inquire. It was then that they broke her heart – they didn’t want her, after all. They had decided to give the castle to another princess, one that was already living within the high stone walls. Zanzibelle was indeed perfect for the place – but this other princess has been there *first*, and the castle went to her instead. Zanzibelle was devastated. She sobbed into her Princess Flakes, and thought about finding a bridge to live under. She was very, very sad.

But then, something happened. Zanzibelle’s phone rang – another castle wanted to see her! Still upset but always optimistic, Zanzibelle made the appointment and went to see this new castle. And even though she didn’t think it possible, here was an even BETTER fit than the previous place! Once again, Zanzibelle’s spirits were buoyed. She might have a home after all! She may not have to live under a bridge like a common troll!

Within a day of Zanzibelle’s visit, the castle had made up its mind – she was the only princess for them, and they would have her. Contracts were signed, hands were shaken, new gnomes were appointed as guardians. At last, Zanzibelle had a castle to truly call her own, and she delighted in every minute.

As the weeks rolled on, it came to light a very peculiar connection between the two castles. The first castle, which we shall call Castle Suck, actually WORKED for the second castle, Castle Awesome. In fact, Castle Suck provided backup and overflow princess services for Castle Awesome! This was a very strange turn of events indeed, as Zanzibelle came to learn that although she did not get Castle Suck, she was in an even BETTER place in Castle Awesome.

The weeks had blurred into months when Zanzibelle was contacted by Castle Awesome’s elders. It came to pass that Castle Suck, being the backup and overflow princess dispenser, wished to visit Castle Awesome to get a refresher course on how to be a great princess. In fact, coming to visit would be one of the elders of Castle Suck (who, it should be noted, had turned down Zanzibelle when she needed a castle of her own) and – and this is the really good part – their current princess. Would Zanzibelle mind receiving these visitors and be so kind as to guide them on their journey to knowledge? After all, the denizens of this castle pick up our leftovers and crumbs and it is in our best interest that they know how to do it properly. Only Zanzibelle has the mad princess skills needed to show the people of Castle Suck how to deal with the issues beneath us, and we turn to her for guidance.

And so Zanzibelle did let out a mighty laugh and pledge to honour Castle Awesome by showing up Castle Suck so hard that they would immediately realize their folly in turning her away. Princess Zanzibelle, with all her quirks and idiosyncrasies, is not a princess you would easily forget. She knows very well that the elder of Castle Suck will remember her as the one he did not choose, and with a glimmer of petty princess pride sparking in the depths of her heart, she knows that she has to do everything in her power to ensure regrets are felt on the behalf of Castle Suck. She will show up this other princess, and it will be glorious. Zanzibelle cannot *wait*.

Zanzibelle is totally awesome, after all, and princesses can be among the most petty of all those with a constant striving need to be better than those who have done them wrong.

This should be great.