I’ve been purposefully avoiding writing about Sasha because I can barely get the words out before the tears start and then I get all red and smeary and broken.

She’s still around, but I don’t know for how much longer. We had basically written her off in December, telling ourselves than any time past all the tests was “extra” time we should be grateful for. And I am. She still shows signs of her old self – climbing onto my desk to cradle herself in my arms when I’m at the computer. Yelling and finding a way to climb onto the bed and into my face when she’s hungry or deciding she wants some love. Licking my hand and forgetting to put her tongue back in her mouth so she looks all silly and makes me laugh every time. The insanely obvious sneaky creeping she does when she thinks you can’t see her try to steal your food.

Then there’s the rest of the time.

Before Ed and I left for San Francisco in May, Sasha started having .. accidents. Instead of using the litter boxes placed strategically around our apartment, she was going into the bathroom and doing her business on the floor.

Okay, we thought. She’s getting old and she’s trying to tell us something. We moved one of the litter boxes into the bathroom just for her use, and that seemed to work for a while.

Then it stopped working. Shan, who is a saint amongst hipsters, dealt with more than any person should ever have to deal with while Ed and I were away – she cleaned up Sasha’s crap for an entire week. It must have been horrible, and I can’t thank her enough.

We thought maybe Sasha was just stressed out – all the activity while we were packing, then we were gone for a week. Perhaps she was just acting out, and once she realized we were back to stay, maybe things would get better.

Things didn’t get better. Perhaps the litter box is too hard to get into – I’ll take the lid off so she can climb in easier, and maybe things will get better.

Things didn’t get better. Maybe the litter box is all wrong – let’s replace it with one just for her that’s easy to get into. We’ll clean it daily and scrub it out and maybe things will get better.

Things didn’t get better.

Since early May, Ed and I have cleaned two to three piles of cat diarrhea EACH every single day. At first it was just poop, but now she’s not even using the litter box to pee and she’s going in sneaky places. It’s always contained to the bathroom (as far as we can tell), but this is insane – we’ve gone through so many cleaning products I’ve lost count, and every day there’s more and more horrible things to clean up.

I don’t know what to do. We’ve done everything the vet has suggested – new food, new litter, private box, positive reinforcement – but she won’t or can’t stop shitting on the floor.

Ed and I know we need to have the conversation, but I can’t bring myself to do it – it tears me apart to even think about it.

Am I being unfair to Sasha? She lies around listlessly, barely moving – but then she’ll be fine and almost normal and happy.

What do I do? I’ve never faced this before, and I’m so lost.

please don't leave me