Oh god! I’m working on Catastrophe Documentation for Dummies (what to do in case of a fire, power outage, etc), and my BossBoss gave me a copy of the company’s Disaster Recovery Plan to incorporate into my own work. My guide isn’t as high brow – it’s really for the night and weekend staff so they know who to call when shit goes down – but this other document is TERRIFYING! I’ve never had to create any kind of instructional manual that deals with actual death:

Level 7: Wide Area Destruction; Most Staff Incapacitated or Killed

• Remaining staff will ..
• Surviving executives will ..

I am absolutely traumatized by this. I started my morning in my usual happy-go-lucky way – tra la la, it’s Tuesday and I’m wearing ridiculous barrettes in my hair and I have a salad for lunch and some outrageously delicious cookies and oh look the sun is out and that girl is cute and there’s a bird and I have to pee and I like my shoes and BAM DEATH AND DESTRUCTION ALL UP IN MY FACE. This report should come with a warning or something: Makes You Confront Personal Mortality. I am distressed. I think I need to take a Mental Health Day to think about how I’m going to DIE in a FIERY PIT of MANGLED DATA CENTER, buried up to my adorable neck in SHARP POINTY ROUTERS.

Of course, if that happens, my next issue is somewhat moot. I am trying very hard to be a college dropout so I can complete my hilarious trinity of fail – didn’t graduate high school, diploma’d at one college, dropped out of another – but The System is making it really hard for me to be a shiftless bum (and let’s not even talk about the logistical nightmare of my plan to backpack around Europe for the summer). For starters, it would appear that my college has no email address. I’m trying to submit my Failure Papers, but I don’t know where they go. They have a form online, but it’s a PDF – you’re supposed to print it out and either snail mail or hand deliver it to the office. This is inconvenient at best, as the office keeps really crappy hours. All I want to do is drop out of college! Why must they make it so difficult? Obviously I cannot handle the difficult, or I wouldn’t be dropping out of school!

I’ve set up a Crafting Party for this weekend, and I am excited. I don’t think the supplies I’ve ordered will be here by then – I’m suddenly passionately in love with teardrop briolettes in gloroious colours, and I want to decorate my magnificent cleavage with ridiculously lush gems – but I’ve got some things I can tinker with until my pretties arrive. Also, Heather rented a button maker from Blim so I need to design some obscene buttons to make and share. Did I mention that I am excited? Drunken crafting sounds like so much fun!