The topic of midlife crises came up over the weekend, and I started thinking about what my own inevitable crisis would look like. Apparently only 10% of the population truly experience one, so I’m of two minds on this: will I be affected because I’m missing the things people consider necessary to live a successful life, or will I escape the crisis because I generally think I’m awesome? According to the internet, the unlucky 10% have problems or regrets over:
- work or career (or lack thereof) – I seem to have stumbled onto a career for myself, and I kind of like it. Yeah, I’m not saving lives or rocket sciencing, but I never really had grand aspirations to heal the sick or send them to space so I think I’ll be okay.
- spousal relationships (or lack thereof) - I have one of these and it is a-ok. Will my lack of dongs lead to a crisis? Better get more dongs, just to be safe.
- maturation of children (or lack of children) – This is an interesting one to think about. I don’t *think* I’m going to wake up when I’m 50 and cry myself inside out because I have no kids, but I can’t see the future (yet) so I don’t know how this will play out. I’m certainly not going to drop trou and make babies to ward off any regrets I might experience later, so I’ll just keep on keeping on. It’s certainly not unheard of for people to switch Teams, but as the thought still fills me with nausea and terror, I think I’m okay.
- physical changes associated with aging – not worried.
It doesn’t sound like stability or lack thereof is necessarily the trigger for a midlife crisis, so my confidence in my awesomeness doesn’t really play a role. You have to imagine, though – what on earth would my crisis look like? Here are some common behaviours in a normal midlife crisis:
- acquisition of unusual or expensive items such as motorbikes, boats, clothing, sports cars, jewelry, gadgets, tattoos, piercings, etc.
- blaming themselves for their failures
- paying special attention to physical appearance such as covering baldness, wearing “younger” designer clothes etc.
.. this sort of describes my normal life, actually. Most people don’t do the things I do on a regular basis, so does that mean my crisis will look like THEIR definition of normal? Will I wake up one morning in the distant future and:
- Buckle down
- Straighten up and fly right
- Dress my age – not everyone needs to see my boobs
- Sell my scooter; buy a silver Honda Civic sedan so I can fit in
- Look into tattoo removal
- No, thank you, I do not need extra dongs
- Take things Very Seriously
- Switch to caffeine-free Diet Coke
- Keep my secrets and dirty laundry offline
- Unpack my emergency Running Away bag once and for all
- Empty my Optimus Prime shrine and use it to display collector plates
All those things are horrific to me (but give me a great idea for an April Fool’s joke at work). I live my life with by rule (don’t be a dick) and one goal (be happy); things that people often wait for years to discover. What will be waiting for me when I come to my own realizations?
Whatever it is, I hope it involves jetpacks.