I have a terrible suspicion that my crazy pills are not working any more. I’d like to increase my dosage to see if that helps, or talk to a doctor about changing things up. Unfortunately, I have no doctor – I have a guy I go to whenever I need my prescription renewed, and I just used my allotted 75 seconds for this quarter.

I’ve been on Effexor for 7 years, and all the research I’ve done tells me that it’s not unusual to be loved by anyone for people to experience their medication sleeping on the job after being on it for years without issue. This frightens me, because I’ve had an excellent relationship with my crazy pills until now and I don’t want to experiment with a bunch of other drugs to see if something might work. I was really lucky when I went crazy; the first thing we tried worked on my brain like a charm and I’m afraid of the reported side effects of everything else.

I also want to tell my boss. I feel like I’m noticeably losing it at work and not performing with my usual amount of energy or productivity, and sooner or later someone’s going to notice that it took me 17 hours to write two paragraphs on Substance Abuse. I don’t know how to have that conversation, though – how do you tell your boss that you’re nuts and you know it’s negatively affecting your work? I am not good with awkward conversations. Someone do this for me, please.

I would love and think I need to take a few days off and arrange to visit my doctor by force to discuss my brain. Logically, I know I should do this. I’m struggling with it, though – I have deadlines to meet, company events to plan, and getting to my doctor is an enormous hassle. I don’t want anyone at work to find out that I’m not just quirky insane, but clinically as well. I don’t want to let my boss or my team down. Why bother getting a professional opinion that will likely not be to my satisfaction when I can just tinker with my dosage on my own? That would be so much easier than, you know, dealing with all this shit. I don’t NEED this right now. I am busy.

This is not the right way to think. I owe it to myself to do the right thing here, but I don’t WANNA.

I also don’t want to revert to the stage where bus wheels have an irresistible and dreadful fascination.

Internet, tell me what to do. At the very least, I can go the chicken shit route and just send this link to my boss. It’d be pathetic of me, but at least I could get the words out without having to verbalize anything.

Is it too late to exchange my brain for a new one? I think I still have the receipt around here somewhere.