This is not a plea for random compliments. I don’t want my angst to be read as my fishing for love; I’m just typing words to make myself feel better because that is what I do.
I’ve been struggling with my self image lately – more than usual, I mean. On any given day I’m generally unhappy with my overall appearance but I can usually find something about myself that doesn’t make me want to break mirrors. Lately though, the whole angsty emo self-loathing has just been out of control and I’m not quite sure what to do (which is where, as always, the internet comes in).
The more involved I become with the gaming scene and in particular girl gaming, the worse my self-image and chronic rage seems to get. There are dozens of reasons why this is so, and I’ve helpfully narrowed it down to the worst offenders to my ego:
- The “Miss Video Game” pageant that clearly states that girls need not have any gaming experience whatsoever to apply – they’re just looking for a face and body, making the entire thing pointless and rather offensive
- The negative feedback from the peanut gallery and subsequent stage terror I get when I find out I have to be on camera
- Opportunities going to people who have less to do with gaming and less talent (at everything other than shameless self-promotion) than I do because they’re more marketable than I am
- And you knew this had to be coming, but the realization that the Mama Cass episode from January has affected me and my unhappy headspace a lot more than I thought it did – it’s one thing to shrug it off with a “their loss”; another when the people I was told to try to look like have the opportunity to make a career out of video games because they’re blonde and pretty and it’s looking less and less like I’m ever going to be able to go anywhere with this entire thing because of how unattractive I am
The entire thing makes me terribly sad, and I berate myself for both feeling this way and having the misfortune to be who I am and look like I do yet have too much stubbornness and anger to want to subject myself to that kind of environment, no matter how much I may want to be one of the pretty girls and cool kids. I can’t boil it all down to simply saying “I hate myself”, because that’s not really true – even in the pits of my angst I know that I’m fabulous – I’m just sad and angry to live in a world makes me feel so worthless because my talents are overlooked because of the package I come in and I constantly get passed over because let’s face there’s no (you’re not worth) marketing Mama Cass.
if you can’t change the world, change yourself
if you can’t change yourself, then change your world
delicious juice dot com 
((hugs)) Kimli, you know you rock, sistah!
But, I totally get what you’re saying. As a former size 6’er, I constantly wonder and worry about what the world thinks of me now. All my friends…thin. And I know they love me for stuff other than my body (obviously!), but seriously, just how far can a sense of humour and a dirty mind take a girl? ;-)
Am I happy where I am now? A big, fat (pun intended) no. What I struggle with is why I’m not more compelled to do something about it. Actually, I pretty much *know* why, I’m just still in denial and don’t really want to admit it to myself (or anyone else).
Anyhoo, this is obviously something I should work out on my own blog (or in therapy!) Didn’t mean to overwhelm your comments. Just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone.
Trying being older, as in, oldest person at work, old enough to have 5 grandchildren. Can I change that? No! Does this condition get worse every day? Yes! Does it change the fact that I’m the best at what I do there? No!
Your condition is temporary, and amenable, but don’t change it for the sake of the masses, do it for your long-term health. You have a lot longer time left to make a difference for yourself, and for the world , than I do.
Stuff happens, and people are prone to ignorance, but nothing brings back your Time.
I was there, in the era you are re-living, and I remember Mama Cass for her music. The other thing… can’t have been too important. Roll back a few centuries, and Bach was larger than life, but his music is the only important thing.
Ken
xoxo
You know, I was wondering if this would come up, because I’d visited the House of Chrome (congrats, by the way on being a g0d), and I’d noticed their overwhelming tendency to be nineteen, blondish, and underfed. (If I’d gotten a twinge seeing them, having nothing to do with gaming, how must you feel? — **NOT** that I’m implying for a second that they’ve made you feel that way, or that you in any way should feel that way, just that I know how fat girls think, what with being one and all, and that the compare-and-despair mindset is not uncommon amongst us.)
You have so much talent, sweetie, and such a spark. The world is unfair, and stupid, and shallow not to see it and reward it.
** hugs **
I’ve liked everything I’ve seen thus far…
hawtness is an attitude milady. :-)