Monthly Archives: February 2007

case of the tuesdays

Posted in angst, everyday kimli by

I’m strangely melancholy this morning, for reasons that utterly escape me. It’s beautiful outside, I have a cup full of icy Diet Coke in front of me, the phone is quiet, and stuff is overall pretty grood. So what’s up? Why am I beset with this rattling case of the blues?

Honestly, the only thing I can find even remotely wrong is my desperate need for a haircut. That might actually be the source of all my problems, as stupid as it sounds – I’ve gone a very long time without feeling even a little spark of “yay for me”, and that sucks.

I don’t have the most stable of self-images, and pretty much the only thing that keeps me afloat and not hiding in the closet are my occasional days of utter fabulousness. My sense of sublime has been sorely missing in action though, and it’s bringing me down. I *like* the days where I feel dazzling and cute. They don’t happen often, but I certainly appreciate them when they do. Lately I’ve been wallowing in the winter blahs, a zaftig serving of the drab housewife frump. I need .. something. A great haircut, some new ridiculous glittery thing, a kick to the rear with a 2×4 of pure glee. I hate being stuck in any kind of funk that does not involve rainbow glitter platform boots and feather boas.

pants on fire

Posted in everyday kimli by

I figger that most people have at least one big lie.

The lies are usually both major and insignificant – they don’t hurt anyone or break any laws; they’re just great big lies that have been around for so long they’re generally accepted as truth. I have one, and so does Ed. In fact, many people we know have lies.

My lie is pretty common knowledge – my name isn’t really Kimli. I mean, it is, but it’s legally spelled differently – “Kim Lee” vs. “Kimli”. I’ve been using Kimli as my first name for everything since I was 14 or so, with the exception of the things I need a legal name for. I think I’ve told the story before – things start to blur when you’ve got almost 6 years of content on the internets – but when I was a wee bairn I discovered that my “middle name” wasn’t supposed to be a middle name at all but the second half of my first name. To dispel some of the confusion, I changed the spelling of my name to make it all one word and I traded in two vowels for one. As far as I’m concerned, my name is Kimli. The government, however, says otherwise – but who cares what they think, anyway. It’s just the government.

Contrary to popular opinion, it is NOT a lie that I am an Internet Superstar – I totally am. It says so on my business card.

Ed’s lie is just as silly – his birthday is not really May 31st. It seems although he was born in the wee hours of June 1st, his mom started labour on the 31st and wanted that to be his birthday. So .. it is. It’s on his birth certificate and everything. His birthday celebrations are nothing more than frosted cakes of LIES!

We have three friends whose names are not their names – each of them go by a middle name instead of their given name. Oh, the intricate weaving of years upon years of LIES! It’s shocking, the number of people who hide behind a safety net of pure deception.

What’s your big lie?

flames of rage

Posted in everyday kimli by

Dear fucking jackass downstairs neighbour:

I would like to bring several things to your attention:

  • Before 5:30 on a Sunday afternoon is not “late at night”
  • Legally, we can bang on any old piece of furniture we like until 10pm
  • Coming up here and swearing your head off at us is not the best way to get us to feel sympathetic to your side of the story
  • Likewise, calling us “fucking assholes” makes me much more inclined to make even louder, more intrusive noises than perhaps being quiet
  • Asking why we can’t build furniture during the day in the middle of the week when you’re not home is really, really stupid: we also have jobs
  • Your smoking downstairs is a thousand times more obnoxious and toxic than the 20 minutes of hammering we just did
  • You think we’re bad? Try living below the fucking idiots in the penthouse
  • You’re a disgusting asshole, and fuck you

So. Angry.

utterly prismatic

Posted in everyday kimli by

Last week I got bored, and decided to put some colour in my hair. I tend to make most drastic decisions about my appearance when I’m bored – so far, boredom has led to numerous tattoos, several piercings, and many hair colours not found in nature. Sometimes these changes work out very well. Other times .. not so much.

I got a Do-It-Yourself streaking kit that promised to give me sexy highlights wherever I want them – framing my face to brighten things up; peaking through layers for a subtle change; spelling dirty words on the back of my head to piss off people taller than I am. I took a cursory glance at the instructions, but decided to forge my own path because they are not the boss of me and I do what I want, not what some company decides is the best way to use their product. Oh yes. I am hardcore.

I prepared the goopy solution and set about combing streaks onto my head. I envisioned a new me; a vision of sophistication and beauty that would open doors and leave drooling, stunned masses in my wake. It was going to be totally awesome.

Of course, things rarely work out the way I think they should. Instead of lovely highlights and a dazzling new head of confidence, it looks like I spent the better part of a week wearing an open can of root beer as a hat. Complicating matters are my inch-long white roots that were avoided because the instructions (okay, I followed SOME of them) were full of dire warnings about avoiding roots while streaking (good advice at all times, really) – my head is five or six different colours, none of which are particularly flattering or suited for the look I’m going for, which is “not a skunk”. I’m a mess. I need a haircut, too. I would really suggest you avoid looking at me if at all possible, because I am quite offensive to the senses.

It is Friday. The weekend holds fewer plans than usual, which is nice. One of the things we’ll be doing is Experimenting – we’re going to take Bjorn Jr. (my tablet PC, named after the person who gave it to me) around town and see how many different ways we can use it to freak out the squares. Portable internet! The future is totally awesome!

get yours today

Posted in everyday kimli, nerd by

I am selling off my worldly belongings so that I may pay for my newer, more advanced worldly belongings. If you happen to be in the market for a spanky new PDA or digital camera, feel free to check out my Craigslist postings. Say enough lovely things about me, and I might even throw in some extras.

Buy Kimli’s used stuff today! Quantities are limited! Be the first one on your block to own my crap!

HP1940 Pocket PC – $150 obo
HP R707 Digital Camera – $150 obo

panic! on the internet

Posted in everyday kimli by

Water-proof shoes, when I remember to wear them, are totally awesome. I don’t think my feet have ever been this dry!

Wonderment at dry feet aside, I am totally ready for spring. Everything is perpetually damp and steamy, and I forget what the sun looks like. I think bringing Sally out last weekend was dreadfully premature – she’s soggy and sad, parked on the street like that. Tonight we’re going to bring her back up onto the sidewalk and wait to see if it’ll ever be nice outside again. I have faith that it will, but my faith and my patience don’t really see eye to eye. Spring needs to come NOW. I am truly tired of wearing pants.

I signed up to go to Northern Voice a couple of months ago. Unfortunately, when I registered for the conference I conveniently forgot that I am utterly terrified of meeting new people and also of crowds. I’m attending by myself, and I’m freaked right out – I don’t know anyone! I’m afraid of people! Why did I do this to myself? What if no one talks to me? Oh god. All this hyperventilating is making me dizzy.

Internet, force me to suck it up and go to the conference so I don’t chicken out and stay home hiding under the covers where, most of the time, there are neither crowds nor people I do not know.

urine trouble now

Posted in everyday kimli, nerd by

I park in an underground lot several blocks from the Space Station. It’s pretty secure, but it’s also quite possibly the smelliest place in the entire universe. Every day I have to go up and down a flight of stairs to buy my parking pass, then return to the car to place it on the dash (face up please, or it’s a $30 ticket for you .. not that I’d know anything about that). That in itself isn’t the issue, it’s the staircase: every night, a thousand hobos and a thousand hobo sons gather in this staircase to pee out their woe. The air in that staircase is thick with the smell of urine, almost as though people were purchasing jugs of wolf piss and going to town. I’ve been in outhouses that smelled more pleasant than the Staircase of Perpetual Human Waste – it is beyond foul. I’ve tried breathing through my mouth instead of my nose, but that just leads to situations I’m not mentally or physically prepared to deal with – smelling the urine of a thousand thousand hobos is bad; tasting it through mouth breathing is a horror I cannot face. The staircase is bad. Very, very bad.

It seems that someone actually took offence to the stench to the point of Doing Something About It, though – today as I prepared to hold my breath until I saw spots I noted a definite tang of bleach in the air. I cautiously took a small sniff and affirmed my nasal findings – bleach. The Staircase of Perpetual Human Waste had been hosed down with a pressure washer full of Ajax, and while it’ll never be somewhere I’d want to hold a romantic picnic, I can at least breathe a little easier every morning. Not too deeply, though. The last thing I need is to pass out and be subject to mouth-to-mouth resuscitation by the (albeit very nice) morning parking lot guardian dude.

I slept very poorly last night – too much excitement before bed. We spent much of our evening down at Josh and Shan’s, checking out Wii Play and engaging in some XXXTreme Mario Kart 64 action. I won two races – never underestimate the quiet power of the Toadstool! It’s easy to take the lead when the boys are busy mauling each other. I’ve heard rumours that our very own Wii is within city limits, after only three months of searching. Josh sniped one online for us and offered up his credit card to secure it – just one more person to whom we owe money. The list is getting disturbingly long, but at least we’ll have a Wii. Wiis work in cardboard boxes, right?

pocket-sized sex appeal

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I honestly thought I knew what sexy was. I mean, I was so confident that I had an excellent grasp on what was and was not sexy that I frequently brought forth my own notions of sexy; ideas that were completely independent of what society and “The Man” force down our throats on a daily basis. I am an individual; a unique snowflake with thoughts and ideas and notions all of my own and not delivered to me monthly in glossy magazines crammed full of airbrushed lies.

Of course, I don’t know squat.

Yesterday I received a lesson in sexy delivered by, of all people, UPS – my very own Samsung Q1B Ultra Mobile Tablet PC thingie, featuring the VIA C7-M processor. I spent a large part of my day and night playing with it – setting it up (it runs Windows XP), trying out programs, playing with the screen (it ROTATES), and generally just being in awe of it. It is, hands down, the sexiest thing I own. It’s completely wireless, has two USB ports, a 40 GB hard drive, a touch screen, and a thousand other things I haven’t even begun to discover yet. It has an on-screen keyboard, but also accepts handwriting done with the stylus which it can then translate into text characters. I can quite literally go anywhere with this thing and write updates or check email or even draw dirty pictures of Ed in various delicate situations of extreme nudity. I can watch movies! I rarely do, but I’m totally tempted to start now! It has sound and video and weighs like 2 pounds and HOLY CRAP IT’S THE SEXIEST THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD AND I LOVE IT

I know I sound like a dork, but seriously you have no idea how much I love gadgetry and this is super cool and unique and brand new so I am ultra leet as well as ultra mobile. The only downside is having to keep my eye on it at all times so Josh doesn’t steal it from me. He’s already tried twice.

So. Fucking. Sexy.

YAY!

die hipster scum

Posted in everyday kimli by

Then there are the days where you just have to laugh helplessly at yourself: I’m about the leave the house to ride my scooter to my job in Yaletown, armed with my Nalgene bottle, pinstripe Converse All-Stars, and a MacBook.

I made it, ma! *snort*

awash with technology

Posted in nerd by

I’ve been in a pretty wicked bad mood all week. The space station was bringing me down, things at home are a little tense for reason I’ve promised to not go into online, and I am in a general funk about my appearance. In short, it has not been a ball of fun to be me lately. I am cranky and petulant and more than a little fed up with the universe around me.

It’s amazing how quickly all that can change, however, when you have NEW! TOYS! to play with.

Slightly sheepish pictures and details to come.