Yesterday I went the entire day without speaking to or seeing a single person. Hooray! I’d try it again, except I need to go out today and deal with that traffic ticket and also I hated every second of it. You know something is wrong when you are sad that it’s only 7pm because it’s earlier than you thought and it just means more time to spend in utter isolation devoid of any human contact.

I changed my Facebook status to “Kimli is bored and lonely”, which prompted Ed’s cousin to send me a note saying “don’t worry Ed is home soon”. It’s very cute that he thinks that the entire reason I’m bored and lonely is because my husband is out of town for three days – in fact, if that WERE the reason, I would probably be a little less depressed. No, I’d still be bored and lonely if Ed were here, since he’s at work all day and not necessarily available for my various whims, and when he is home we don’t do .. stuff. My raging boredom and hollow lonely state has more to do with my joblessness. As much as I claim otherwise, I would apparently make a lousy hermit.

So, I am going to try to Dispute something. I really have no idea how to go about doing it, as I’ve never gotten anything more severe than a parking ticket before. In my head, the situation should play out like this:

Kimli: Hello, I have this violation ticket here and I do not want to pay it, okay?
Government Employee: Okay! Let me rip that up for you, and you have yourself a fantastic day!

Then I go to Starbucks and order myself up a Victory Chai and do a little dance.

This is not very likely, though. In my head, the situation should realistically play out like this:

Kimli: Hello, I have this violation ticket here and I do not want to pay it, okay?
Government Employee: Did you really think that would work? I mean, I half-heartedly applaud your effort, but this is the GOVERNMENT. We don’t work like that. So how’s about you open your wallet and hand over the $84 you owe us, and I won’t have to add a note here to your Permanent Record about your unrealistic and dare I say hostile demands?
Kimli: Oh, well, you see, isn’t not that I just don’t WANT to pay the ticket – I would seriously love to hand over 18.3% of my weekly contribution to our household with a smile and a giggle and maybe even some gratuitous cleavage, but – well, I just don’t think I should *HAVE* to.
GE: Well, I should really just tell you to go away so I can get back to work, but see above re: GOVERNMENT. Why don’t you think you should have to pay this ticket?
Kimli: First of all, look at this. The cop spelled “Vancouver” wrong – she wrote down my city as “North Vancover”. I don’t live in North Vancover. I bet you anything that the crime rate in this city would drop if you hired literate police; I know *I* would certainly be less inclined to commit crimes against humanity if The Man knew how to spell the name of the city we live in.
GE: Oh, I just love people with book smarts who think they are better than the rest of us because they use punctuation and proper spelling! Look, as much as I’d love to punch you in the crotch right now and make you go away, a spelling mistake just isn’t enough for me to throw out the ticket. Pay up, Brainiac, or I’ll take your unabridged dictionary away.
Kimli: See, I thought this would happen – so I actually have another reason why I shouldn’t have to pay this ticket prepared.
GE: What a surprise. Do, go on.
Kimli: Well, see right here where it says the make of the car? It says I drive a Mazda Alexa. There’s no such THING as a Mazda Alexa – for starters, the car is a Mazda 3. The cop misread the badge on the back, which says “Axela” – NOT Alexa – which is the Japanese name for the Mazda 3. So, I received a ticket for a car that doesn’t exist, so I shouldn’t have to pay it.
GE: Let me get this straight – not only are you a word nerd, you’re a CAR nerd too? Wow, the ladies must truly love you. Look, your car doesn’t say Mazda 3 anywhere on it, so the cop wrote the badge she DID see down. Now, we already know the cop in question was a wee smidge illiterate, so it’s possible she just spelled “Axela” wrong – after all, we now know that spelling wasn’t her strong point. If I’m not going to throw out the ticket because Vancouver was spelled wrong, why would I throw it out because there’s no such thing as a Mazda Alexa? Two spelling mistakes on one ticket doesn’t give you a free pass, it just gives you a great excuse to roll your eyes and straighten your pocket protector and mutter under your breath the things you would do differently if you were supreme overlord of the world. Pay up.
Kimli: Bitch, please – my pocket protector straightens itself; I installed a USB-charged auto-level.
GE: I’m happy for you. Give me the money.
Kimli: No.
GE: I hate you so much. Okay, why won’t you give me the money?
Kimli: See down here? Where it says “I hereby acknowledge receipt of a copy of this violation ticket” and there’s a spot for the “alleged offender’s signature”, and in red it says “Your signature indicates you have received this ticket and is not an admission of guilt”? The cop didn’t make me sign the ticket, so what proof do you have that I actually got it?
GE: You mean other than the fact that the ticket is in your hand?
Kimli: What ticket? Prove I got one.
GE: .. did I mention that I hate you? FINE. You don’t have to pay the ticket. NOW GO AWAY.
Kimli: You are so sweet. Here, have a look at my boobs!

Then I giggle and flounce away to Starbucks for the above-mentioned chai and dance.

Oh, if only. Here’s how it’s probably going to happen:

Kimli: I have a violation ticket here that I do not feel I should have to pay.
Government Employee: You can dispute the ticket in court; be there next week sometime and sit and wait until your case is called and maybe they’ll hear your story but more than likely it’ll just cost you time and you’ll have to pay the fine anyway.
Kimli: The joke’s on you; my time is worthless!
GE: Whatever. NEXT!

Stupid imaginary bureaucracy. Why does this have to be so complicated?