Ed pulled a disappearing act on me yesterday, and I freaked the hell out.

Granted, the situation was a little odd. Ed rode his scooter into work yesterday, and at the end of the day we rode home together. Everything was fine – traffic was normal, the weather was overcast but dry, and no one tried to kill us on the way. We rode through the Stanley Park Causeway, and started to ride over the bridge.

I pulled ahead a little because my scooter is more powerful than his. When I approached the crest of the bridge, my attention wandered while looking at the mountains – no more than 2 seconds, at most. I looked in my rear view mirror to check that Ed was still behind me (as I do almost compulsively in my natural role of Navigator), and .. he wasn’t. Ed had turned into a large pickup truck. That is odd.

I kept riding, glancing into my mirror every second or so to see if Ed would catch up. After all, there was nowhere else for him to go. I slowed down a little, and continued to look. No Ed.

I safely landed on the North Shore, and was startled to see still no Ed. Confused, I rode up to the information booth on Capilano and pulled in to wait for him. Minutes passed – no Ed. More minutes – still no Ed. Now extremely confused, I opted to drive Oscar back up Marine via the bike lane to see if he was in the pull-out area. This was a little risky, as it meant I was driving against heavy traffic in a tiny bike lane and then onto a sidewalk. I made it without getting run over, and arrived at the usual stopping lane.

No Ed.

Now I was worried. I tried calling his cell phone, and got his voice mail. There was no sign of him anywhere on the bridge, he wasn’t in the only stopping zone, he hadn’t passed me – he just wasn’t there. Traffic was still flowing out of two lanes, so there hadn’t been an accident. Where the hell was he?

Now completely panicked, I called Josh to see if he was near a computer. My logic told me that the traffic cameras on the bridge would tell me if Ed had been flattened, as there was no way for me to travel back up the bridge from the spot I was in. At this point, I half expected Josh to ask “Ed who? I’ve never known an Ed” and tell me that my missing husband was clearly a figment of my imagination. He didn’t though, and while he wasn’t at his computer, would be along the same route shortly and would check for a flattened Honda Dio and my missing spouse.

I made some more phone calls, waited some more, and still no Ed. There was nowhere he could have gone. I feared the worst – that he hit a bump on the bridge and went sailing into the Burrard Inlet, scooter and all. It was the only explanation.

Finally, my phone rang. It was Ed, who was past me along Marine and in the parking lot of Save On Foods. What the holy fucking hell? It turns out that as I waited in the information booth parking lot, his scooter died at the top of the Lions Gate Bridge. He managed to coast down to the bike path, then follow it down and under the bridge to end up on the Secret Road where he was able to start the scooter again and make his way to the grocery store. I was right in that he hadn’t passed me – he had gone behind and around me, and scared the living hell out of me in the process. I was almost in tears on the phone, because I do not like it when Ed turns into a pickup truck and then disappears completely.

He was safe though, and we picked up our groceries and made it home. Unfortunately, my anxiety lasted well into the evening and I had a very bad headache that led to a very long nap, effectively fucking my sleep schedule right in the ass. I’ve had better Wednesdays, to be sure. And I think I’m going to put Ed on a leash when we scoot so he doesn’t disappear on me anymore.

The HR lady swatted me with paperwork when she saw my sign below. I called her on it, but apparently it isn’t an HR violation when HR beats you up.