Monthly Archives: June 2008

those pancakes are bastards

Posted in angst by

I suffer from depression, anxiety, and a great deal of self-doubt. I’ve mentioned this before, albeit offhandedly – I make light of the situation by speaking of my crazy pills and giving cute nicknames to my afflictions. It doesn’t really change things for me, but it’s easy to forget that I am, by textbook definition, mentally ill.

My own special brand of crazy manifests itself in a number of different ways. The self-doubt, while pretty much a constant little voice in my head, becomes louder and more insistent. This leads to paranoia, which then breeds cattiness. This rapidly becomes bitterness and a blanketing sense of unhappiness. I try very hard to work past it and can be quite successful, but it’s not always evident. No one is around me 24/7; all people see are the fleeting glimpses of the crazy and form opinions about me that, while not wholly incorrect, are skewed and not entirely accurate.

I wish it was easier to explain my brain sometimes. It isn’t quite right in here, and sometimes I don’t see that my crazy has gotten stronger until something bad happens. I need some sort of Outlook plug in that will know when things are getting worse for me and pop up a little paperclip telling me “It looks like you’ve gone off the deep end! You should get help!” As far as I know, this software isn’t even at the alpha stage, so everyone – including myself – forgets about that whole depression thing, and suddenly my irrational behaviour isn’t a chemical imbalance, it’s obviously just me being a bad person. Not even Ed really knows when things are getting bad for me again; he just sees the storm and is bewildered as to why I don’t seek shelter instead of screaming incoherently at the stop sign.

Things are bad again. I realize this now, and suddenly a lot of things are making more sense. My reactions to perceived slights, my paranoia, my frustrations and twisted logic – I know why, now. It’s time to re-evaluate.

Unfortunately, this realization – as it always does – came a heavy cost. I lost two friends tonight. I am not blameless, but I wish it wasn’t easier to simply label someone as “not worth the effort” and “without quality” rather than taking the time to realize that this isn’t the same person you were talking to a month ago and maybe saying “hey, is everything okay? You aren’t yourself. Are your brain pills placebos or something?”

It’s a strange thing, having someone confirm that all the horrible things you tell yourself late at night are actually true. I’m glad I caught the edge of this vicious circle before it spiralled me into a much worse place. It’s just easier to hate on people, I guess. I just need to remind myself that suffering from worsening depression and mental illness does not equate a lack of quality.

AT MY LIMIT

Posted in everyday kimli by

I’m AT MY LIMIT!

It’s the one year anniversary of Steve being AT HIS LIMIT. Normally this wouldn’t be something to celebrate, except I’M AT MY LIMIT has become a funtime catchprase, of sorts. Therefore, it’s time to celebrate. Be AT YOUR LIMIT, people. Go hog wild!

And if you scare off any pasty loud skater boys, all the more power to you!

swatch dogs and diet cokeheads

Posted in everyday kimli by

Discount Pop Tarts and free milk can only be the most delicious way to start your work day.

Also good: using the words “suck it up, princess” and “it’s making me stabby” in work communication.

Lastly, I’m glad I’m not the only one who had a great deal of disdain for the small children protesting the gas prices because their parents had to cancel cable. At 7 and 9 years old, you should a) be able to spell “money” and “cable”, or b) know how to use a dictionary, or c) think to ask someone before making big signs. Then again, if you name your child “Pyper”, I’m thinking spelling may not be a strong suit in the family.

I am snarky and mean. Perhaps this is why my friends no longer like me.

nice people make things easier

Posted in vroom vroom by

Last night, Ed and I were driving around Kitsilano when his scooter fell apart.

I wish I could say that we were surprised, or that it was the first time something like this had ever happened, or that we were going to be fully reimbursed/receive a fair exchange for the faulty part, but nope. Ed’s had a horrible series of luck with his Dio, and last night was just another notch in the “time to go to Richmond” belt (the shop moved to Richmond last year).

We were riding along 4th when there were vibrations and clanging and other bad noises coming from the Dio. Ed pulled over, and CLANG! his exhaust pipe fell off onto the road. The bracket had snapped last month, and last night the vibration caused the pipe to break at the weld and fall apart. Fan-fucking-tastic. It’s only a two month old, $200 part that just decided to break – add that to the $250 console that just decided to stop working a few months back (and has yet to be replaced/refunded), and you’ve left a pretty great impression in my mouth about it all.

The Dio couldn’t be ridden without an exhaust, so we were sitting on the ground thinking about how we were going to deal with the situation. Normally we’d ask John Josh or Shan to bring the Delica around so we could pack up the scooter, but they left a few hours earlier for a weekend of camping. We don’t know any people with trucks, it was past 9pm, and we were 16km from home. Hooray!

Ed started asking people who walked by if they knew of anyone in the area with a truck, thinking perhaps we could buy a ride back home. No one had one, but one guy said “I just live down the street, and I’ve got some tools – do you want to bring your bike over and we can take a look?” Ed took him up on the offer, and they were off.

A quick glance told us that the pipe wasn’t fixable, and that a new exhaust had to be fetched before we’d be leaving that area. Ed had given his old exhaust to a Dio buddy who had the same problem weeks before, so it’s not like we had a spare lying around – we had to wait until the shop opened up in the morning and get a new one. House Guy offered to let Ed wheel his Dio into his garage, but I had a “better” idea that involved my scooting home, picking up tools and a lock and the car, and driving back to Kits to fetch Ed. We locked his scooter to some pipes outside the house, thanked House Guy, and drove home.

Today we drove to Richmond so Ed could pay another $200 for a new exhaust (go on, ask me what I think about that arrangement), then we drove back to his scooter to put it back together. It didn’t take long and soon Ed was on his way back home on the Dio, with me driving the Mazdabator. The new exhaust works well enough, and our trip next week may not be in jeopardy after all – it just cost a lot of money to fix and was yet another stupid frustration in the saga of Ed’s scooter.

House Guy and his band of merry neighbours were great, though – if he hadn’t offered to lend a hand, we’d have had to leave the Dio unattended and unlocked in Kits and just hope for the best. He offered tools and advice and a secure Dio home for the night, which was just awesome. Thanks, House Guy! You were the one bright spot in this otherwise steaming pile of crap!

I am beyond grumpy about the amount of money Ed has spent on shitty scooter parts, though. The two exhausts and the console come to $650, and all he has to show for it right now is the new exhaust ($200) and a generic stock console (worth about $50, tops). So far he hasn’t been offered any refunds or exchanges or even store credit, and the store owner is out of town for another 2+ weeks. It’ll be interesting to see if he does anything for us this time.

is it still selling out if you don’t get anything

Posted in everyday kimli by

I tried to be a corporate shill, and failed miserably.

Miranda let me know that Dove (the chocolate people, not the soap people or the bird people) was looking for some bloggers in large Canadian cities who a) were female, b) enjoyed chocolate, c) between the ages of 25 and 55, d) frequented a networking site like MySpace or Facebook, and e) had a blog that was updated with some regularity. I am all of those things, so I filled out their survey.

A couple of days later I received a phone call saying I was what they were looking for, and would I like to be sent some FREE CHOCOLATE so I could try it, share it with my friends, and write about it? Well, hell yes. I enjoy chocolate, and I enjoy things that are free. She took down my information, and said I would receive my chocolate in 2-3 weeks.

It’s been more than 5 weeks, and I have no chocolate. Miranda got her chocolate, and Tanya got HER chocolate, and I am sad and alone and without chocolate. I would have totally shared with people, since they were supposedly sending me enough to distribute and discuss amongst my many close friends and acquaintances. I was even going to have a contest so I could send chocolate to people! I could be very good at spreading words!

Maybe they read through my archives and decided that I did not deserve chocolate.

Phooey. I blog way more than most people, even those that already received their free bounty. I should get chocolate for the sheer quantity of words alone!

You’re mean, Dove and Matchstick (the actual offerers of said chocolate). And I was all ready to sing your praises, too.

I *suck* at selling out.

vacation redux

Posted in adventure, everyday kimli by

Let’s try this again.

I’ve made reservations for Ed and I to go to Victoria next Thursday, returning on Sunday. We had to make a couple of concessions – hotels are now in “summer” mode, so the price of a room almost doubled. We’re still going for three days, but we’re going to spend a night at my mom’s place and only two nights in a hotel. My neck is already sore in anticipation of sleeping on the leather and steel love seat from hell, but two nights in a king-sized bed should make up for it nicely.

I am excited once again. I would probably be MORE excited if my headache would go away, but I am reasonably full of glee despite my growing dependency on Tylenol Ultra. Fun times ahead! Set sail for adventure! Let’s all get naked and dance!

I think I will celebrate my upcoming vacation plans (v2.0) with the adding of bacon and tomatoes to bread.

vampires, helicopters, north vancouver

Posted in everyday kimli by

I hate it when I’m watching TV and something comes on that I don’t recognize. After my cartoons were over, a movie started playing. It was a Marvel Comics movie, so I watched the intro expecting my pop culture telepathy to kick in. After the Marvel logo, there was a desert – and then some army people and a helicopter – and then someone giving the helicopter the finger, and some sort of metal beast, and .. what the fuck is this, anyway. I called Ed over, and we kept watching. Okay, there are some explosions .. and a car .. and the North Vancouver train yard, complete with a Saskatchewan grain train that, at this exact moment, is about 3 minutes from my house .. what the hell?

Turns out it was the first few minutes of Blade: Trinity, which a) was apparently filmed down the street from me, and b) is a Marvel property. Then I turned the TV off. I don’t particularly care for either leather trench coats or the third movie in a series I’ve never seen, but it was neat to see my train yard.

not pictured: vampires; Wesley Snipes

justify my kimli

Posted in everyday kimli, medical anomaly, science by

I’ve been stressing since yesterday afternoon about a Big Important Meeting with my boss that I accidentally missed. We had the meeting this morning, and SURPRISE! EMPLOYEE EVALUATION! Gah.

However, I am apparently awesome. The evaluation was glowing, none of my upcoming goals were a surprise, my boss is delighted with both my work and my pleasant odors, and I am just great. I work well with others! It says so in my review!

Take that, elementary school teachers!

Hah.

In other news, I saw a 6-storey Mr. Peanut on my way to work this morning.

I am not sure if I was hallucinating, or if it was real – it could have gone either way as I am now in hour 22 of a nasty localized headache. Everyone tells me it’s not a toomah, but what if it IS and it’s making me hallucinate giant corporate spokesnuts? I would not be surprised if the Michelin Man started waltzing through downtown Vancouver. In fact, I would welcome it.

My head hurts.

Also, Ed loves me. I know this because yesterday when I was feeling terrible he went to the post office to pick up my gay porn. Any man that would voluntarily fetch his wife’s extreme hardcore gay homosexual man-on-man porn collection without protest and with a smile is totally a keeper.