My new motto in life is “That which does not kill me will make for one hell of an update later”.

I left the house this morning planning on driving the car into work. It’s wet outside, and I’m just plain tired of riding in the cold rain. We also need groceries, so I thought I would gently love two birds with one hug and just take the car in, outrageous parking cost be damned.

This is the setup for the comedy of suck; you’ll see why it’s important in a minute.

I gathered my belongings, opting to forego the coat and umbrella because hey, I’m driving and won’t really be outside. The instant I pulled our apartment door shut, it hit me – I didn’t have my apartment keys. Shit. Well, no worries – I’ll just go to work and worry about getting home later.

I walked out back to where we parked the car, and .. no car. It’s not there. Turns out Ed took the car this morning without telling me. He never, ever takes the car – but neither do I, so he didn’t think it would be a problem. I hadn’t communicated my grand plan to him – we’re not talking at the moment, but that’s another update altogether – so imagine my surprise when I realized there was no car.

I walked around the block and to the front of our building, planning on buzzing someone else to get inside. Good plan, except no one is home. I tried calling our building manager, but his phone went straight to voicemail. Same story for our landlord. I decided to empty my bag and look carefully, just in case I missed my keys. I didn’t find them, but I also didn’t find my scooter keys, which put Plan E – scoot to work anyway and deal with everything later – out of commission.

So, here’s my situation so far:

• No house keys
• Car keys, but no car
• No scooter keys
• I could take transit to work, but I have no money to take the bus
• I could walk to the sea bus, but I had no coat, no umbrella, and it was pouring rain
• No one could let me into our apartment: Building manager and landlord were both out of commission
• I couldn’t get to work without catching pneumonia
• .. and once I was there, I couldn’t get home – Josh/Ed/Shan all had plans after work and wouldn’t be back until very late into the night

I finally had to call Ed. See, the reason I didn’t want to call him in the first place (other than the “not talking to one another” thing) is that he took the car so he could drive to the boats. Today is his work’s annual boat cruise – an office outing on a rented boat with many foods and boozes and no working. It’s something they look forward to all year, and while the weather certainly isn’t cooperating, the trip is still on and still pretty much guaranteed to be fun.

We went back and forth for a while, but against my wishes he decided to bail on his work outing to come rescue me. While I appreciate not being trapped outside my apartment building like some sort of wet animal, I now am the direct reason Ed is at work instead of on a boat getting drunk on the company dime.

Frankly, I’d rather be wet and cold.

To add a final insult to injury, the very second Ed opened the gate to our yard, Blow Job came out of the building. If I had been able to get inside, I could have attempted to either break into the apartment somehow or at the very least continue to look for rescue while warm and dry. I could have even worked from my iPhone. But no – she only came to open the door when I didn’t need to get inside anymore. I know it’s not her fault, but as she is tall and skinny and graceful (and gives blow jobs in cars in the middle of the day), I hate her by default and so this is all her fault.

I’m at work now, and I’m at least 14 different shades of miserable. I have not had a good last couple of days, and everything is damp and smelly right now.

I think I will buy this to cheer myself up.