The good news: Yep, there’s definitely something there. It’s kind of squishy. Does it hurt when I pinch it really hard? It does? Huh. Interesting.

The bad news: It’s not what you thought it was – those are usually located lower and on the inside. I don’t actually know WHAT you’ve got there – it’s definitely a cyst, but it’s nothing I know about. I’m not sure what to tell you. Maybe .. take a bath? Yeah, that’ll help. Take a bath, and uh .. massage it? Sure, massage the area. Get right in there and force the toxins out. You can do it!

Great – even the vagina expert doesn’t know what my cyst is, or why they appear. The only advice she could give me basically amounts to a great deal of bathtub masturbation, which while I can absolutely appreciate and plan to follow doctor’s orders to the point of needing an intervention, does not get to the bottom of my mystery. This is no good.

Still, a suggestion is a suggestion. I think some new waterproof toys may be in order. After all, the doctor told me to do it so clearly it’s in my best interests to follow her knowledgeable recommendations to the very best of my ability. I may need help with this.  I should get a bigger bathtub.